Without
by Raphaelfanguy4real
Summary: With Leonardo critically injured and Raphael presumed dead, the brothers must find a way to live without the things they need the most. And once they get the things they need back, will they ever be the same? Rated T for torture and blood - lots of not fun stuff :D
1. Without Fear

_**Hey guys! It's been a few weeks and I'm sorry - but I'm back with one of my personally favorite things I've written! Not a Human AU this time, just regular turtles being tortured. :D. I have a dark mind, okay? ANd yeah, this one's Raph-Centric. What do you want from me? I love him. Lol, but I gotta be careful of spoilers lol! Enjoy!**_

 _ **Disclaimer: I don't own TMNT**_

 _ **Warnings: Fighting, Injuries**_

* * *

Raphael spun wildly, grinning like a maniac. Michelangelo jumped over him, cutting down enemies left and right. Donatello was working on hacking a lock and Leonardo stood over him, cutting back enemies angrily.

"Hurry Donnie!" the leader in blue yelled, stabbing a robot through the heart. They weren't quite sure yet who these people were, but they seemed to be a kind of foot-kraang-ninja mix. Odds were that Baxter Stockman had some hand in this, but then again who knows?

"I'm hurrying I'm hurrying!" Donnie said waspishly, "you can't rush this, Leo!"

"Oh for the love of shell!" Raph snarled, "get outta my way!" he pushed Donnie aside and the purple masked turtle let out a shriek.

"Raphael!" he said indignantly, but Raph paid him no mind as he stabbed his sai into the lock over and over. To everyone's surprise, the door swung open. "How did you-" Donnie began in confusion, But Leo grabbed his arm.

"Not now Donnie." he ordered, "c'mon team let's go."

"Guys wait!" Mikey shrieked, they all turned. Raph had forgotten to watch Mikey's back as he unlocked the door, and the young ninja was pinned against the far wall of the lab like area. In what must have been a few seconds, Raphael ran toward his brother only to be stopped by the impending wall of Robots, he slashed through them, trying to create a path for his youngest brother you use.

"Mikey go!" he hollered.

"But-"

"I said Go!" he snarled, making sure his brother got to the door safely, Leo and Donnie looked at them anxiously as Mikey finally raced over, after giving one of the things a few good whacks with his nunchucks. The only problem was the fact that now Raphael found himself in the same predicament Mikey had been.

"Raph come on!" Leo called, the sai-wielding turtle opted to ignore his leader for some reason, and continued hacking his way through the robots. "Hamato Raphael!"

"Get outta here fearless!" he shouted, "I'm not done with these jerks just yet! Besides, you need to get that stab wound checked out!" Leo winced, remembering the large bandage made from Raphael's mask and hand wrapping on his upper thigh. "I'll make sure none of these freaks follows you!" the green-eyed turtle demanded. Leo swallowed, sighed, and backed up a step.

"Alright, come on guys, Raph you better come home."

"You bet!" Raph said, slashing through another. "Get outta here guys!"

"But Raph!" Mikey protested. Unfortunately, as his brothers retreated, tactically, the large iron door swung shut.

"No!" Raph gasped, flinging himself at the door. "Oh come on! Open up!" when he turned to the electrical box containing the lock, it sparked and fritzed. Great. On the other side, Leo and Donnie were frantically trying to open it again, their panicked faces always flitting up to the window where they could see Raph.

"It is a useless attempt." a chillingly familiar voice growled. They all froze and the ninja on the other side of the door stared over Raph's head, Raph turned, TIgerclaw.

"What are you doing here, you overgrown housecat?" Raph snarled, pulling out his sai. Tigerclaw did not react, only watched him in interest.

"It is useless to open the door." he finally sneered, "because once the lock is broken, it seals itself until the creator comes. And unfortunately for you, he is not here."

"Get outta here fearless!" Raph commanded though he didn't think they could hear him. As if on cue, Leo stumbled forward from dizziness, he'd lost too much blood. "Don't worry about me!"

"Raph, Leo." Don murmured under his breath, helping his older brother stand, all the while watching Raphael anxiously.

"I said go!" he howled, Leo looked mortified, but nodded, barely.

"Come on, Raph can take care of himself," Mikey said, lifting a manhole cover, Don bit his lip and helped Leo down into the sewers, where he leaned against a wall for support as they made their way through. All three of them were terrified and upset that they had left Raphael there, but it was also true that their hotheaded brother could take care of himself. Mikey whimpered as they ran through the tunnels, nearly dragging Leo, who was delirious from pain and blood loss, kept muttering under his breath.

"Raph...time to come home…" Donnie swallowed thickly as he pressed a button on his staff, he had just rewired the shellraiser with a kind of homing device. It would hopefully find them in the sewers and they could get home faster, if not, Leo would be very bad by the time they returned. The purple-masked turtle glanced downward at Leo's thigh, which was wrapped tightly in a bandage of red and white cloth. Raph's mask and the wrapping off his hands, Raph hated not having his mask. He would never have done that if it wasn't serious.

"Donnie! Look!" Mikey pointed ahead, to where the shellraiser was barrelling toward them. Don hit the button again and it halted.

"Come on, Mikey, Leo, into the shellraiser," he instructed. "Mikey, You drive, I have to help Leo with this." Mikey grinned momentarily and nodded before his face fell back into a grim frown. If Donnie would let Mikey drive his baby, Leo was in very bad shape. Don stuck his tongue out in concentration as he began applying pressure to stop the blood flow to his brother's leg. These new contraptions of the foot clan's were bad, especially if they could inflict so much damage in one fight. Leo was injured badly, Raph was who knows where. Don shook his head. Focus, he had to focus. Raph would get home in at least a few hours, and Leo needed his full attention right now.

"You still awake?" he asked the leader, though he was afraid of the answer.

"Donnie?" Leo asked drowsily, to Don's surprise. "Wha's going on?"

"Just keep talking to me, Leo." Don insisted, "you have a severe leg wound and you lost a lot of blood, we're almost home. What's your favorite tv show?"

"'Snot stupid." Leo murmured, "not stupid, Raph." Don bit his lip harder, but as long as Leo was talking and staying awake it was good. The vehicle careened into a stop and Mikey was beside him in an instant, sliding the large doors open. They carried Leo into the lair and lay him on the couch, Don was afraid to move him farther than that.

"Mikey, I need you to go get my medical kit, I have to stitch up this wound so we can move him into the lab." he applied pressure once more, and Leo grimaced, though his eyes were closed.

"Ow…hurts Donnie," he complained, half conscious. It was completely terrifying to see his usually stoic older brother like this, weak and confused.

"I know it hurts," Don said as Mikey dashed to the lab, frantically searching for the medical supplies. "But just hold on, keep talking. What's your favorite fruit?"

"Strawberries?" Leo asked, confused. "Why, Donnie… you know I like strawberries…" his voice trailed away and Donnie looked at his brother's face desperately.

"Leo, stay with me, Leo. Leo! Leo!" he said urgently, slapping his brother's face with his free hand. No response. "Leonardo, wake up!" the leader in blue didn't stir, Donnie cursed inwardly and put a finger to his brother's neck, please let there be a pulse! Mikey came running out of the lab as Donnie started to panic. He had to stitch Leo's leg wound, but Leo's heart had to be pumped!

"Mikey, chest compressions," he demanded, Mikey's eyes grew wide as Donnie took out a needle and thread, gently taking off the makeshift bandage Raph had created, expertly. The freckle-faced turtle obeyed, they all knew how to perform these sometimes life-saving procedures, Donnie just had no clue _why_ Leo's heart had stopped. Blood loss, yeah, but how much had he lost? It was a good thing Donatello took a yearly collection of their blood in case the need arose, but he wished he would never have to. As he cleaned out his older brother's wound, he noticed a strange white powder on his skin. His heart must have skipped a beat when he realized what it was. That powder must be some kind of poison, on the sword blade, to make Leonardo's heart stop. He washed the wound, setting a swab of the powder aside, and started stitching, gasping when a new oozing of blood occurred, though it meant Mikey was doing his job.

"He has a pulse again, Donnie," Mikey whispered, Don nodded, eyes trained on his work. As soon as he got this stitched up, he would move Leo to the lab, where he could hook him up to some life support systems.

"Help me." the purple masked ninja demanded, Mikey understood and gripped Leo gently and tightly under the arms, Don gingerly took his legs and they carried him into the lab. Leo lay motionless on the cot, though the rise and fall of his chest comforted Donatello as he hooked his brother up to oxygen, a heart monitor, an iv drip, and other things that would help him stay alive. Mikey hovered about nervously but stayed out of the genius turtle's way for once. As soon as Donnie saw Leo was stable, after giving him more blood, he sighed and collapsed, exhausted, into the chair beside the cot.

"Is Leo gonna be ok?" Mikey asked softly now, Don looked at him.

"I think so, Mikey," he replied. The weight of the situation crashed down on him. Leo was not going to be fighting anytime soon, Raph was missing, he and Mikey were the only people who could help Leo stay alive. But, where _was_ the green-eyed turtle? A glance at the clock told Donatello that Raphael had been missing for nearly four hours. He should be home by now, but he wasn't. With A glance at Mikey, and then a glance at Leo, still unconscious on the cot, Don felt a thrill of fear in his heart. Mikey depended on him for leadership, until one of the older turtles awoke or returned, and he wasn't sure he knew how to handle that. What if Raph had been injured? His blood could very well be poisoned as well, and he could be dead already, somewhere they didn't know. But with a look back at Leo, Don banished such thoughts from his mind. He had to focus on the here and now, Raph could take care of himself. He hoped.

"I hope Raph's ok," Mikey said softly, from where he had taken a seat on the floor, beside the cot. Don looked at him and felt a thrill of fear race through him. He wanted Raph to be alright too, but at that moment, a vision of his older brother burst into Donnie's head. Through that window, Raph had stared out and ordered them to leave, to get Leo back and keep him alive, to get out of danger. It had been startlingly similar to when Leo himself had ordered them to leave him in that technodrome, he hadn't been worried about himself, at that moment. He had three brothers who he knew already were, and from what Donatello saw, Raph hadn't cared much whether he made it out. He only cared that his brothers got out safely, and that terrified Donnie. He didn't want anyone to sacrifice themselves for him! And Raph wasn't the leader, Leo was. But when Leo had been injured, Raph had taken up the slack, he had helped Mikey get out of a sticky situation and had gotten the other three out of that building, he knew Leo was hurt, he had bandaged Leo with his own mask. He never would have done that if it hadn't been bad. Don blinked back tears and looked at the floor. He had a horrible feeling, deep in his gut. But he replied to Mikey anyway.

"If he doesn't come back by tomorrow night, you can go look for him by the warehouse," he promised, Mikey nodded glumly. He too had noticed Raphael's change in demeanor, though he recognized it from many times before. After Leo had fallen from TCRI, Raph had instructed them on how to help him. After he had gotten nearly killed, and they were at the farmhouse, Raph had pulled himself together for them, and taken charge where there was a gap. Maybe Raph shouldn't be the leader of their team of four, but when they were in danger, he would take the lead anyway. Leo twitched in his sleep, making both younger brothers look over at him, but the leader in blue then returned to his motionless state. If there was anything Michelangelo wanted at that moment, it was for all his brothers to be here, safe, uninjured, and together. The only problem was that he knew it wouldn't be like that for a while, even when Raph got back.

What Donnie really wanted was to make sure his older brother wouldn't die because of this poison, he brought out the swab and wheeled his chair over to the desk, beginning an examination of the substance. He immediately found that it was definitely not a common poison if it was from earth at all. He compared it to almost all he could think of, arsenic, Cyanide, Hemlock, methanol, none of which would have made his heart stop as it did. Don groaned, looking over at his motionless brothers. Mikey sat unusually still beside Leo, though the occasional blink of his baby blue eyes told Donnie that he was awake and fulfilling a rigid watch over Leo, as Raph had done in the farmhouse. Raph...Donnie looked up at the clock. It was nearly eight AM already, they'd been out late before they found that secret warehouse, and then even later with the fight, the trip home, keeping Leo alive, and of course, his current project. With a small sigh, Donnie sat back, and his gaze fell on a canister they had taken from the kraang, a long time ago. It was filled with a white, shimmery, powder-like substance. Don felt his breath catch as he gingerly took the small container in his hand and opened it gently. He had been scared to test this substance, afraid of what it would do, but now he took a small portion and compared it to the chemical swab he'd taken from Leo's injury. A match. Of course! It had to be a kraang poison, what else could be so odd as to stop one's heart within an hour of bloodstream introduction? His heart sank as Donnie realized he had no idea what to give Leo to combat the poison, and could only hope that cleaning the wound and giving him the chest compressions would be enough.

"We should eat." Mikey murmured, still looking at Leo. "but I don't wanna leave, Don, what if he wakes up and we aren't here?" Don sighed, running a hand down his face as he checked over Leo's vitals again.

"How about this." the brainiac decided, "you go make some breakfast while I run a few small blood tests on Leo, and then we can eat in here. Alright? I'll call you if he wakes up." he did not add that it was really very unlikely for Leo to wake up so soon, much less this week, but he stayed silent and Mikey sighed.

"I guess." he stood. "Be back soon, bro." though Don wasn't completely sure Mikey had been addressing him, as opposed to the unconscious turtle on the cot. The freckle-faced turtle walked out, and Donatello began his tests, relieved to find that while there were trace amounts of the poison in Leo's blood, it seemed to be diluted. Even so, Donatello hooked Leo up to yet another Iv drip, which would help fight off any lasting damage, and that was really all he could do. Donnie hated it. He wanted to know exactly what to do to help his brothers at all times, well, in this case, he had no clue yet, and Raph was gone to who knows where, and Mikey...he needed his brothers.

"Food time!" Mikey sang, slightly more cheerful, as he walked in with two plates of what appeared to be homemade, chocolate, jelly bean pizza. Don accepted his plate and took a bite, despite the insane flavors bursting in his mouth now, and watched Leo sleeping, supposedly peacefully. He wondered, however, if the leader in blue was having a dream. Don didn't understand dreams, meditation or other, but he knew that they were very often better than the real world, and he hoped beyond hope that Leo was currently having a very good dream.

* * *

Heat. intense heat. It burned, oh it burned. Where was he? Who was he? He groaned, wondering if he actually made a sound. He just wanted to go home, wherever that was. Why couldn't he just go home? He wasn't afraid, he just wanted to get out of this heat. It was hazy when he opened his eyes. Burning orange, and blue flames flickered over him. Why was it so intensely hot? He just wanted to be fine, he wanted to be home, he wanted something he couldn't say, what word was it again? He just wanted...was it...brothers?

* * *

 _ **Hmmm curious about that last POV? RIP you probably see right through me lol XD Sorry to say you'll be held in defense until Chapter Three! Hehehehe. Anyway, yeah. That's this, I hope you guys are excited about it!**_

 _ **A little thing you may have noticed… I changed my username. Just a bit! It's the same idea...just more accurate. I'm a trans-guy, and I've started coming out online. So, it's 'Raphaelfanguy4real' now. Also, I'm going to go by C.J.L. which will be my author name when I actually publish. I expect you all to be respectful, but if you are rude or you don't like that I'm trying to be myself, you don't have to read my works. Thanks so much for understanding!**_

 _ **Until Friday,**_

 _ **-C.J.L.**_


	2. Without Closure

_**Hey guys! It's Friday, and I'm here! YAY! This chapter is really sad...MWAHAHAHA. Can't say much or I'll spoil the whole thing, so yeah. That's all from me today!**_

 _ **To my Guest Reviewer: OMG I'm glad you like it! Here's some more for you friendo!**_

 _ **To Only Hope No Fear: haha, I'm glad you enjoyed it! I love being able to make people feel strong emotions while reading, and it seems I did that with you! Uh…. Raph didn't lose his memory… Leo will survive…. That's all I got without spoiling. :D**_

 _ **Warnings: Mentions of injury, mentions of death, mentions of fire**_

 _ **Disclaimer: I don't own TMNT!**_

 _ **And now, enjoy!**_

* * *

Donatello was sitting beside Leo, though he glanced at the clock every few seconds, terrified. Mikey had gone out at sundown, searching for Raph as Don had promised he could, and the purple masked turtle couldn't fight the growing sense of dread and worry. What was he thinking? Letting Mikey go off alone like that? He didn't trust Mikey alone in the _lair_ let alone New York City! Don took a deep breath. This was different than skateboarding expeditions, this was Raph, their brother, who had, for all Donnie knew, died for them. For Leo. he hated not knowing what had happened to the red-masked turtle, and Mikey had been gone for two hours already, Leo was stable yet still asleep, in a coma probably, and Donnie felt completely helpless. He pulled his legs up to his chest, resting his feet on the edge of the cot, and sighed. It had been a long day, full of tests, calls, and long explanations. But he had gotten a surefire antidote for the poison from bishop, and the last blood test had shown it was completely out of Leo's bloodstream. That was very good, he just wished he knew his other two brothers were safe. He bit his lip anxiously. He would call Mikey in ten minutes, he promised himself. Ten minutes. Mikey usually answered his phone anyway, he would know Mikey was safe in ten minutes. The thought comforted Donatello, but the dread settled in his stomach like a stone.

He didn't have to wait ten minutes to speak to Mikey, however. Because five minutes in, when he had gotten up to pace, Don heard the distinct sound of a sad Mikey gait, slow, padding into the sewers without a straight line. He dashed out to where Mikey was by the pit, looking at the ground, something cradled to his chest.

"Mikey? Mikey what happened?" he asked in worry, racing to his brother's side. "Did you find the building again?" Mikey looked up, his face was streaked with tears and soot. Don felt the worry grow. "Mikey?"

"It's gone." he said numbly, "the building, everything, just gone. All that was left was charred wood and bricks." Mikey's voice sounded hollow, Don frowned.

"Why were you gone so long, then?" he asked gently, though he was afraid he knew the answer. Mikey choked back a sob.

"I was looking through it, I had to know." he gasped, tears streaming again, disturbing the ash and soot on his face. Don shuddered a bit.

"And?" he didn't want to hear the answer. Mikey didn't speak, he just held out his hands, showing what he had been holding when he entered. Donatello's eyes grew wide in dismay.

"No, oh no." he choked back a sob, "Mikey…" he hugged the younger turtle tightly. In Michelangelo's hands were the shattered and scorched remains of two very familiar twin sai, which had been their green-eyed brothers' pride and joy. He would never leave them, however broken they might be.

"They were right next to a big pile of timbers, that was still burning." Mikey sobbed into Donnie's shoulder. "I couldn't dig through it but... I couldn't find him anywhere." the two brothers stood for a long time like that, simply embracing, crying, and trying not to lose all control. Finally, Don stood back, wiping off his cheeks.

"He always wanted to die saving us." he whispered, "come clean that soot off you, Mikey, we'll put them in the dojo." he didn't speak Raph's name, only gestured to the remains of his beloved weapon. Mikey nodded and followed Donnie into the dojo, where they placed the sai gently on the rug in front of the tree, where they had knelt so many times in front of sensei, before moving to the lab to clean the youngest turtle up. The pair remained silent as Donatello gently sponged Mikey with water, washing soot and dirt out of the younger turtle's scrapes and small cuts he had acquired when rifling through the still-smoldering wreckage of the warehouse. Neither of them knew what to say, what could they say? Raphael was, dare Don even think it, dead? Was the hotheaded, green-eyed, red masked, sai-wielding brother of theirs really truly dead? Gone from existence? Never to be heard from again? Was he with their sensei, was he at peace with his death? The last they had seen from Raphael, besides his mangled weapons, was the burning intensity and power in his face as he stood between them and their enemies, with a wall behind him and his brothers. Had Raph known, even then, that he was to die? Don shivered, as he applied ointment to a small burn, he hoped his brother had not felt too much pain before it ended. Shell, he hoped Raph had lived, but from the evidence he had, he knew it was impossible. What Mikey had described was a collapse of the building, and Raph wouldn't have left his Sai in the building had he made it out. He was gone, any remains of him that existed were burning, slowly smoldering under that heap of timbers and bricks. Even the humans, if they found anything, would not know he was a mutant.

Donnie bandaged around Mikey's burned hands and then stared into his baby brother's eyes. Right now, he was the big brother Mikey had to turn to, he was the leader, he couldn't give in to despair. But as they stared at each other, a mutual understanding was met. No one was the bigger mutant, concerning this. Shaking with sobs, Donatello grabbed Mikey in a hug, which the orange masked turtle gladly returned, hot tears spilling down both of their cheeks.

"Donnie, what are we gonna do?" Mikey sobbed, "what are we gonna do without Raph? I can't live without Raphie!" Don, for one of the few times in his life, had no answer. How could he have one? He had never in his wildest nightmares found himself in this predicament, Leo in a coma and Raph...dead. He took a shuddering gasp, blinking rapidly.

"I don't know, Mikey, I just don't know," he replied, hugging his brother tighter. Don glanced at the screens that read Leo's vital signs, he was alive. Leo was still alive, he needed them, he would need them to be strong to recover. A sudden tremor passed through the two turtles as they came to the same thought. How would they tell Leo? Don took a deep breath, sitting back and holding Mikey's shoulders firmly. "Let's go." he breathed, blinking back tears. He couldn't lose hope in Raph like that, not yet. He wanted to search the site himself before he told their oldest brother. Mikey understood and glanced to where Leo was sleeping peacefully, most likely unaware of what had happened. "I can put him in a medically induced sleep for the rest of the night." Don said numbly, "he won't wake up while we're gone, Mikey." Mikey nodded, wiping tears from his eyes.

"Then let's go, I don't wanna be there too long," he whispered, Don hugged Mikey quickly once more before the two brothers prepared and left, in search of anything that remained of their brother.

* * *

The pile Mikey showed him, which was indeed still burning, slowly, was taller than Donatello's head. He sighed, kicking a burned log out of the path. This was completely useless, nothing would be left of Raphael after the fire stopped and they couldn't search the pile while it was burning. Donnie looked sadly at Mikey, who was crying again.

"Let's go home, Mikey," he whispered, hugging Mikey's shoulders. Mikey nodded and they walked away, soon entering the sewers and making their way home. Neither of them felt any desire to return to that cursed place, ever again. When Donatello entered the lab, he looked at the clock. The anesthesia would have worn off of Leo by now, and he could really wake up any time. On life support and oxygen, Leo was recovering as well as he could while unconscious. Don just hoped it was enough. The two brothers seated themselves beside the cot, watchful for any movement. Don stared at Leo's closed eyelids, silently willing his brother to wake up, but then looked at Mikey, seemingly distraught.

"Mikey, we can't tell him," he whispered, Mikey's eyes grew round with shock. "At least at first, he won't heal as well if he's grieving. Please, Mikey, don't let him know until I say he can. We'll think of excuses, but please?" Mikey stared at him, and Don worried that he had invoked anger in the light-hearted young turtle. Mikey sighed, laying his head on its side, on the cot next to Leo.

"Ok. just not too long, Dee? I suck at keeping secrets," he whispered, Donatello nodded, it pained him enough to make the decision, but he had to do what would help Leo heal. The small family returned to silence, listening to the steady beeping of the heart monitor and watching the comforting rise and fall of Leo's chest. In fact, it took them a moment to notice when Leo's arm started to move. It traveled slowly up to his arm, where the iv was stuck in, and then back down to his leg, which was heavily bandaged. They both held their breath, staring at Leo's face when the leader in blue's cobalt eyes snapped open.

"Leo!" Mikey exclaimed, face lighting up. "You're ok?" it came out as a question, and Leo managed a weak smile underneath his oxygen mask.

"Hey, Mikey, ow…" he winced. "Leg hurts."

"I know." Don soothed, putting a hand on Leo's shoulder. He momentarily forgot any concerns except to bring his older brother comfort. "It'll hurt a bit, but you're going to be alright. Anything else hurts?" Leo blinked, and then his eyes grew wide in worry. That's when Donatello knew something was desperately wrong. "Leo?" he lifted the mask gently, since Leo was now conscious, and set it aside. "Talk to me Leo, what's wrong?"

"Leg…" Leo breathed. "Where's my leg?" Don looked down at the pair of legs on the cot next to him, still very attached to Leo.

"Your leg's right here." Mikey said in a squeaky voice, "see?" he tickled the base of Leo's foot, to no reaction. Leo reached down and pawed the bandage.

"It's gone, the rest of it's gone." he gasped, "Donnie, I can't feel the rest of my leg. Why can't I feel the rest of my leg?" Don swallowed, tears filling his eyes.

"I don't know, hold on." he gasped, reaching to pinch Leo's calf. "Feel anything?" Leo shook his head, eyes wide.

"Donnie, it's gone. Why is it gone?" he asked pleadingly, "is the bandage too tight? Why can't I feel my leg?!" he was panicking, and his heart rate sped up.

"Leo, sh, sh, calm down." Don pleaded. This was just what they needed, he's been worried of course, about the future mobility of Leo's leg, but not being able to feel it? It was just a cut, a deep one at that, but just a cut. Then he blinked. Or was it? That poison had stopped Leo's heart, was that it's only function? How did Donnie know that Bishop's antidote wasn't wrong, that the poison hadn't also paralyzed his brother's legs? What did Donnie know, really, about the poison?

"Yeah bro, it's ok." Mikey comforted, "you'll be ok."

"Then why is it gone, Mikey?" Leo pleaded, "I mean, I can feel it under my hand, but I can't feel my leg!" he was growing near hysterics. "Tell me, Donnie!"

"Leo, the ah, there was a kraang poison on the blade." he spoke softly, going into what his brother's called, 'doctor don' mode. "It infected your bloodstream and stopped your heart. We got you alive again and got the poison out of your system today, but I think it did more than affect your heart. I think... I think this kraang poison paralyzed your leg." he took a deep breath, looking away. "I don't know if it's permanent or not, I'm sorry. I didn't know until you said that, I don't know anything about this stupid poison!" Now, surprisingly, it was Leo who comforted.

"Hey, Don, it's alright. I'm sure it's not permanent, besides, Raph helped me build up my leg strength before, and he'll do it again." Don sucked in his breath involuntarily as it came rushing back. Raph, they still had yet to tell Leo about Raph. "Donnie? Mikey, what's wrong? Hey, where is Raph?" Leo struggled to sit up. "Raph?" he called into the lair.

"Oh, he's not here right now," Mikey said in a falsely cheery voice, though it sounded amazingly real. "Raph, uh, he went to spend some time with the Mutanimals, I dunno when he'll be back. But don't worry, just focus on getting better. We need you, fearless." he added with a small wistful smile, the only thing about his demeanor that suggested the whole truth was not being given. Leo frowned, nodding.

"Oh, yeah, ok." he lay back down. "Donnie, it's not your fault."

"I know." Don lied, of course, it was his fault! Leo looked at him gently.

"But if this is permanent, I can't be the leader anymore. If Raph doesn't want to, do you think you will?" Don felt like he'd been stabbed. He didn't know what to say, so he put a hand on Leo's shoulder gruffly.

"We'll see about you not being able to lead." he snorted, "if I know you one bit, you're gonna be walking by next month." Leo smiled softly.

"Yeah, probably." he agreed, then narrowed his eyes. "Especially with Raph to help me." just as the leader in blue had seen before, the two other turtles stiffened, however slightly, at this sentence. "Can I get something to eat? I'm starving."

"Yeah, right away!" Mikey leaped to his feet and dashed to the kitchen. Leo watched him go and Don stood, he walked to his computer.

"You'll be on your feet in no time," he repeated as he sat down to take notes on something. Leo looked at Donnie carefully. He'd been crying recently, very recently. The leader in blue knew something wasn't right, and that something was what his brothers were hiding from him. Something about Raph.

"How long was I out?" he asked suddenly.

"Huh?" Don looked at him. "Oh, a little over twenty-four hours, why?"

"Uh huh, and when did Raph get back? He was separated, wasn't he? In that fight?" Leo watched Donatello carefully now, he flinched at Raphael's name.

"Oh, uhm, y'know, he got back a little while after I got you stable, he wasn't that injured," Don said, obviously lying. Leo narrowed his eyes, Don was a horrible liar.

"You liar," he said, glaring at Donnie with eyes of steel. Don gaped at him.

"What? What do you mean? What makes you think I'm lying?" he asked, too quickly, Mikey returned with a sandwich and Leo turned to face him.

"Mikey, when did Raph get back, after he was separated?" he asked. Don muttered a curse under his breath, Mikey replied smoothly.

"Raph? He got back just after we did, almost had a hernia until you were stable, why?" Leo looked triumphantly at them both, though very angry as well.

"You're both lying to me! I knew it! Where is he, tell me!" He sat up, awkwardly because he couldn't use his left leg below mid-thigh. "Raph!" he yelled, cupping his hands. "Raphael!"

"Stop, stop!" Mikey suddenly begged, face contorted in sorrow. Leo immediately silenced and looked at them both in annoyance.

"Donnie, what the shell is going on, where is my brother?" he insisted, Don swallowed thickly. Tears falling from his cheeks.

"Leo he's…" Don could barely say it. "Dead. Raphael is dead."

Leo stared at Donatello, and then at Mikey, they were both crying openly now. But that couldn't be right, it couldn't be true! Raph had told him he would come home, he had promised! The leader in blue blinked, not understanding. Raph, dead? Raph, a lifeless body, grown cold? Raphael, not fighting? Not moving constantly like he always was? No, that wasn't possible. That wasn't right. But the looks on their faces told him they both believed it, Don would never believe that unless he was one hundred percent sure.

"What?" it came out as a croak. "How...what?"

"He never came home!" Mikey burst out sobbing miserably, "and I went looking for him last night, Donnie said I could but he stayed here with you. The warehouse we fought in was burned down to the ground, there was barely remains of his sais, Leo! Raph is gone!" Mikey dove into his brother's arms and hugged him tightly, Leo returned it, numb. Raph, he was gone. Dead. Burned to a crisp, probably completely disintegrated.

"I'm sorry I lied." Don was crying too, "I didn't want to impede your progress, but I'm a horrible liar, especially with this." he joined the group hug. "And I don't know what to do, Leo. We'll try to help you get your strength up, but I Don't know what will happen. I don't know if your leg will be healed, or paralyzed forever, I just don't know!" Leo comforted both his siblings, though grieving himself.

"It's alright." he promised, "we'll get through this. We can do it, for Raph. he wouldn't want us to give up. Alright? For Raph?"

"For Raph." they echoed, still locked in the embrace. The sandwich lay abandoned on the floor, and no one seemed to care, they remained that way until Mikey was the one to break it up, sitting back with tears in his eyes.

"I'm hungry now too." he declared, they both laughed. It felt wrong, so wrong. Why should they be laughing, when their brother was dead, not even leaving them a body to bury? Yet they laughed, crying still, but they laughed. It would never be the same, now, never. Leo just wished his last words to Raph hadn't been a request for the red-masked turtle to come home.

* * *

 _ **Dun Dun Dun… DON'T HATE ME! 0-0 I promise you'll find out more as the story goes on, :D. Also, we'll be getting more Raph soon….BUT NO SPOILING *claps a hand over mouth* Thanks for reading and please review!**_

 _ **Until Tuesday,**_

 _ **-C.J.L.**_


	3. Without Comprehending

_**Heyo guys! Today is Tuesday! WOOO! I'm going to the dentist soon. I might even post this at the dentist office. Or after. 0-0. Yeah, that's right, I'm a real person. I'm also in a very good mood! Luckily, the new medication I'm on is working very well (and I just had pizza) and so I'm doing really well! Still a few things to try and work out, but I'm doing well. Lol, sorry about that tangent XD. Anyway! This chapter is one of my favorites… you'll probably see why. God, don't kill me XD I'm too young to die!**_

 _ **To Dondena: ah yes…. Find him… soon… :D**_

 _ **To Only Hope No Fear: uhhh…. Couldn't make it come quicker but we're here now so yeah! Lol, just you wait. Raph's in for one shell of a ride…. 0-0**_

 _ **Disclaimer: I don't own TMNT**_

 _ **Warnings: dehumanization, experimentation, torture, mentions of injuries, mentions of 'surgery' kinda things. Yeah lol sounds fun amirite?**_

 _ **And now, Enjoy!**_

* * *

It tasted metallic. Why was that his first thought? He had honestly no idea. In fact, where the shell was he? Raphael's eyes snapped open and he attempted to sit up, though something held him tightly in a reclining position. He was almost completely immobilized, and all he saw above him was dirty brick, some kind of ceiling. What the shell? Where was he? The green-eyed turtle wracked his memory, it was coming back now. Leo's injury, the others had left, Tigerclaw, the Kraang-Foot bots. Being overtaken, completely, and fire. He definitely remembered a lot of fire, that couldn't be good.

When he tried again to move, Raphael found that his feet and hands were each tied to a separate corner of what must be some kind of large rectangular frame, with instead of a platform under his back, thick metal bands were wrapped around his torso, thighs, biceps, and neck, which must be attached to some kind of anchor. His head was encased in something similar, he could feel the cold steel now. The only part of his body the turtle could even move slightly, other than his eyes, were his lips. They felt a cold metal bar entering his mouth, expanding to form a mesh metal ball, the size of his mouth, keeping it partly open and completely immobile. Once aware of this, he became aware of how dry his mouth and tongue were, he was definitely dehydrated, and once this was apparent it became painstakingly agonizing. He couldn't move, he saw the dirty brick above him and nothing else. Raph had no idea how long he was suspended there, in seemingly mid-air, supported only by the metal frame that kept him there. All he knew was that all his gear was gone, he knew his mask would be, having wrapped Leo's wound in it, but he hated the vulnerability that came with it all being gone.

"93805 is awake." a voice said, startling the turtle so much he jolted against the metal restraints, though not by much. "We will begin the first test shortly, after showing specimen 93805 in the observation room for a few minutes." terror filled the green-eyed turtle, but he was completely and utterly powerless to stop it as the metal frame rotated and lifted, and he found himself facing a large wall window, he suspected the other three walls were as such as well. A team of what looked like scientists, though he saw some were obviously kraang, watched him from behind the glass window, and were taking notes as they ogled at him. This was bad, very very bad.

"How fascinating." someone breathed to a chorus of agreements. "And to think, we will get credit for this discovery, we will get to actually examine this amazing creature." terror would have paralyzed Raphael, had he not been already incapacitated. The idea of all these people _examining_ him made the mutant want to kill something. And he also had no clue where he was, where his brothers were (hopefully home), or how he was going to escape.

"If all personnel will proceed to Lab 06 we will begin the first test on specimen 93805." that voice said again, Raph watched all the humans exit, and then realized that _he_ was specimen 93805. Crap. the frame began moving again and he was lowered through darkness before coming to a halt, horizontal again, in a blindingly white room. The humans and kraang had dressed in white lab coats and were already around him, taking notes and staring at him. All Raph wanted at the moment was for this to be a dream, he wanted this to be a horrifying nightmare and nothing else. Unfortunately for him, it wasn't.

"First test procedure." someone spoke from around Raphael's head area. "Procedure 381, skin samples." Raphael's eyes widened in horror. "Samples needed from the lower leg, upper leg, lower and upper arm, hand, cranium, and abdomen." he hesitated. "Specimen 93805 will not need skin samples from the abdomen at this time." Raph would have laughed if he could, these suckers can't get past his plastron. Without killing him. The thought made Raphael nauseous.

Pain suddenly erupted like fire from his right calf, someone was cutting into him. They hadn't even given him anesthesia! A groan that sounded like dry rice paper crinkling erupted from his throat, and no one seemed to hear. He clamped his eyes shut against the pain. Shell, that hurt so bad, the pain continued after they stopped cutting and new pain erupted on Raphael's inner left thigh, and after that his arms and hands. And then on the left side of his head, just behind the temple. Tears of agony forced their way out of Raphael's tightly clamped eyes, his eyes were the only thing he had control of, and he still couldn't stop them from coming. He groaned again, louder, and everyone seemed to freeze for a split second.

"93805 has a surprisingly large pain tolerance." a voice declared, to murmurs of agreement and awe. Raph wanted to kill every single person in this room, he wanted to slaughter them and then go find his brothers, but he couldn't move an inch, and his entire body ached and stung. Ointment and bandages were applied to every place they'd taken skin from, but that didn't help Raphael's terror. The vulnerability he was feeling made him want to retch, and when the scientist wrapped the bandage around Raph's upper thigh, his hand barely brushed Raphael's tail, making a shiver run up and down his body. He hated this.

"Skin samples saved." someone announced, to more general applause. Raph forced his eyes open, why were they acting like this was some sort of party? This torture was the worst experience of Raphael's eighteen years of life, torture! They were laughing and joking about torturing him!

"Oh my, those eyes." someone stated, everyone turned to look at Raph, and he felt terror roll off himself again, but he didn't close his eyes. "Such an enthralling color, especially for an animal!"

"Look at that shade of green!" another agreed, "I've never seen that before."

"Test 2 will begin in ten minutes." the loudspeaker voice spoke again, "just enough time for a coffee break!" Raph closed his eyes as they all left for their break, he wouldn't get a break, that's for sure. And then he felt an icy cold hand run down his side, on his inner plastron. Emerald eyes snapped back open. One of the scientists, just one, was still there. He stared down at Raph with a strange, terrifying smile.

"Ah, yes, you will do nicely." he breathed, "a shame there aren't more of you." Raph felt split second elation. They didn't know about his brothers, but it instantly faded at the words. What was he doing nicely, again? "And once I have the competition out of my way, I will do more experiments than the government would ever allow." he chuckled lightly. "Just wait and see, 93805, you will do nicely for my genetic experimentation." as the man strode out, he stroked his fingers along Raph's leg, and the door closed with a small click. Shivers ran up and down Raph's body as if those cold hands were still running up and down his side. He did not like this, not one bit, and he had a feeling things could get worse, which he'd previously assumed impossible. Yes, things would get much, much worse.

After the coffee break, all the scientists were back, staring at Raph and making him want to vanish. He wasn't a genius like Donnie was, but he was pretty sure that genetics meant something to do with DNA, and he wanted nothing to do with any kind of experimentation.

"Test two." the commanding voice said again, and Raph realized it was the same man who had apparently ulterior motives for this situation, "procedure 291. Reflexes." Raph clamped his eyes shut and refused to look at any of the humans. This was sick, so so sick. He hated them, he hated humans, he really, truly did. "Reflex to electric shock in 3...2...1…"

* * *

Leo stretched forward, reaching for the listless toes on his left foot, he panted in exertion and tapped them once with his fingers before leaning back and doing it again. Turned out that all these years, Raphael had been right. Working out and exercising really did distract from everything, including death. He shook his head and repeated the complicated sit up, feeling the nothingness where he'd once felt a living limb. Thinking about that would just defeat the purpose of doing his exercises. Pain stirred in Leo's heart as he thought of his brother, regardless of what he'd just told himself to do. Raph was gone, dead. He could barely believe it, part of Leo wanted to say that if there was no body then there was no death, but he knew that would just lead to more pain. If Raph wasn't dead, why wasn't he here? Home, with them? And during his meditation, Leo had reached out to the edges of the city, but he hadn't found Raphael's distinctive aura anywhere, except a few spare fragments by the construction site that, a week ago, had been smoldering ash and rubble. There had been no burial, they couldn't without a body to bury. So the three brothers had stayed at home, the mangled sai sitting beside the picture of their father, a small memorial Leo never wanted to get bigger, yet kept doing so. He was sure he was still in shock, but Leo had thrown himself into physical therapy and exercises. Donnie was in the lab, he assumed, and he could hear the music from Mikey's movie.

With a sigh, the turtle in blue grabbed his ankle and dragged it up against the other one, stretching his right out and repeating the exercise. In the week he'd been healing, he hadn't felt a single thing below the nasty scar on his left thigh, not even a buzzing as if it had simply fallen asleep from sitting awkwardly. As Leo ran through these exercises again, he had the strangest feeling. He felt like something, or someone was reaching out on the astral plane. But that was crazy, April was in school, Don and Mikey didn't really know how to do that, unless it was Splinter, from the realm of the spirits- Leo froze. Or Raph, from the realm of the spirits! Of course! Leo pulled his leg into the lotus position and closed his eyes, focusing intently on the strange feeling. It felt like Raphael's aura, though somewhat diluted and fogged over as if it was hundreds of miles away. Spirits didn't feel like that, Leo knew that. He had no idea what this was, only that it was his deceased brother's aura, trying to reach out to him. Odd, Raph should be able to reach him, shouldn't he? Only if he was in the same place Splinter had gone. Leo furrowed his brow in confusion, reaching out his own mind to create the connection. Just as he sensed Raphael's aura, closer than ever, it vanished completely. Leo's eyes snapped open and he frowned, trying to make sense of what had happened. With a sigh, he spoke aloud.

"I don't understand. I need guidance, you've been able to appear to me before with guidance, father, what am I to do?" there was no reply from the astral plane, Leo grunted in annoyance. He grabbed a katana and pulled himself shakily to his feet, using it as a crutch as he walked out to the lair.

"Leo! do you need help?" Mikey was at his side in a matter of seconds, Leo sighed. "Sorry, I know you want to do it yourself, I just…" Mikey looked at his feet. "I was afraid, for a while, that you were going to die too." Leo smiled, putting his left arm around Mikey's shoulder and accepting the comforting brace as they made their way toward the lab. "So, what's up? You look confused!" Leo hesitated, he did not want to give them false hope, especially Mikey.

"Nothing, I just wish I could walk." he sighed, "hey, Donnie?" Donatello looked up from the device he was tinkering with.

"Yeah?"

"Any info on my leg? Any ideas how to fix it?" he hated to ask, but that was the only thing he could focus on other than the loss of Raphael, and Don seemed to understand.

"I'm not sure," he admitted, standing up and walking to his desk. "You see, the paralysis was caused by that poison, but I cured the poison. People have been known to miraculously recover from things like this, but there are some medical ways to create some sense of walking. For instance, there's a kind of crutch that doubles as a cast that substitutes for your leg, but you need a bit more mobility than you have, and that's for breaks. And then…" he hesitated, obviously not liking his idea.

"And?" Leo prompted, feeling uneasy.

"An amputation-"

"No!" Mikey demanded, they both looked at him in surprise, he blushed. "Sorry, continue, Donnie." Leo frowned, as did Donatello, but the genius turtle continued.

"As I was saying, if we amputate above the scar, I may be able to replicate some of the robotic limbs humans have created, that are even patched into your nervous system a bit, but it would include surgery and a lot of rest time, and it might be a bit like walking on a peg leg, if I can't get the robotics right." he let out a long breath. "I just don't know, Leo. I'll try to find something out."

"I know," Leo said, putting a hand on his brother's shoulder. "I just want to get back on my feet and fighting as soon as possible." cobalt eyes darkened. "Because I know at least one mutant who is responsible for Raphael's death. Tigerclaw." Mikey and Donnie exchanged uneasy glances, but then nodded, faces grim. Raph would never have left their deaths unavenged.

* * *

"Are you sure you want to do this, Leo?" Mikey asked anxiously, as his brother lay on Donatello's medical table. Leo looked into his eyes, and then at Donnie.

"You sure you can do this?"

"About ninety-eight point five percent sure, why?" Don asked, nervously fingering his medical supplies. Leo smiled and looked at Mikey.

"If this doesn't work, I'm going with the amputation." he stated, "so pray it works, alright, little brother?" Mikey nodded, biting his lip.

"I'll be making food for when you wake up." he decided, walking out of the lab to the kitchen. As soon as he was out of the earshot of his remaining older brothers, Mikey let out a strangled sob. He hated seeing all this! He hated Leo not being able to walk again, he hated the fact that Leo was willing to part with his own limb like that, he hated that his brother was going into a possibly unnecessary surgery, he hated that their goal had become revenge for Raphael's death, and he hated that Raph was gone! Instead of the kitchen, Mikey ran to the bedrooms, hesitating outside two of the doors. One was his own, and one had belonged to his brother, a rusted stop sign hung on the door. They hadn't opened it.

Taking a deep breath, Mikey put a hand on the knob, he heard the lab doors squeal shut, he'd have at least a few hours to himself. Mikey turned the handle and swung the door open softly, not entering the cluttered room. It was actually pretty clean, considering his brother, things were haphazardly stuffed onto the shelves, desks, lockers, and dressers that lined the walls, leaving the floor mostly clear. The drum set had collected dust, though Mikey couldn't see how deep it was, and the bed was unmade as if Raph had simply left to get a glass of water in the middle of the night, and planned to return at any moment. He stepped inside and felt grief crash over him. Raph was gone, Raphie was dead, he was dead! Mikey threw himself on his brother's lumpy mattress and sobbed into the pillows, they smelled like stale sweat. Raph, he was Mikey's hero, his big bro, the guy he could count on for a playful slap on the head! Raph was gone, he was gone! The sobs came harder now, and he was crying harder than he had in a long time. He hadn't allowed this realization to hit him this hard yet, because he knew Don and Leo would worry, but they couldn't hear him or know he was crying right now. The freckle-faced turtle punched the mattress as hard as he could, yelling in anger into the pillows, before dissolving into wracking sobs again. He just couldn't believe that Raph was dead.

"Why?" Mikey cried into the pillow, "why why why!?" he punched the mattress again and then grabbed his head, sobbing hysterically. Suddenly, a soft hand landed on Mikey's shoulder and he jerked upward, spinning around to see April watching him sadly.

"A-April?" he gasped, not wiping the tears from his cheeks. "Wh-what are you doing here? What day- is it Saturday?"

"No, silly." April said softly, "summer vacation, remember? And also, Don called and asked me to keep you company while he worked on Leo. he didn't tell you?" Mikey blinked. Had Donnie told him? That was a big fat no. he shook his head, feeling the warm tears fling off his face as he did so. "Well, no matter, I'm here now." she sat and hugged Mikey with one arm around his shoulders. "It's alright to cry, Mikey." Mikey looked away, pulling his legs up to hug them. He didn't want to talk to someone, especially after they saw him break down like that. When April spoke again, there was a tremble in her voice. "I know, Raph wasn't my real brother…" she breathed in deeply, "but I feel this loss as much as you do, I haven't slept since I found out, I miss him too." Mikey looked at her closer, she had dark bags under her eyes, as they all did.

"Leo...wants revenge," he said softly, picking at Raph's dusty red blanket. "Don does too, I think I do, but I don't know." he sighed. "I don't think Raph would want me and Don to be killers for him, and I don't really think I want revenge." April frowned, watching him questioningly, Mikey punched the mattress again. "I want my brother to be alive!" and he dissolved into tears again, hugging April tightly, like his life depended on it. "Why did he have to die, I don't get it!" he sobbed angrily, April gently stroked Mikey's light green head, and shook her head.

"I don't know either, Mikey." she whispered. "I just don't know."

* * *

 _ **Dun Dun Dun…. and yeah, I'm at the dentist right now! Lol fun times amiright? Don't hate me for this… and what's coming...0-0. Everything will be 'fine'! Lol, brace yourselves. As always, thanks for reading and please review!**_

 _ **Until Friday,**_

 _ **-C.J.L.**_


	4. Without Sanctuary

_**It's Friday already! Wooo wooo! Lol yeah. This chapter's pretty intense… you'll probably hate me for what happens XD. What can I say, I'm an evil genius. :D**_

 _ **To Only Hope No Fear: hahaha you'll see mwahaha. They find him… eventually. *evil laughter* *lightning* *thunder* Thanks for always reviewing! *hug* 3**_

 _ **Warnings: Experimentation, torture, body horror? (missing limbs is that body horror?)**_

 _ **Disclaimer: I don't own TMNT**_

 _ **And now, enjoy!**_

* * *

Chills raced up and down his body as he lay flat on his back, delirious. When he finally opened his eyes, he was surprised to see a tall canopy of trees over him. The shell? Raph groaned, sitting up and rubbing his head. Where the heck was he? As he looked around, Raph saw he was in some kind of forest. Did that mean he was free? Seemed unlikely, and how did he get here? The answer came soon enough in a way Raph hated.

"Experiment seven, procedure 422, reaction to forested habitat. 93805 is conscious. Airing to rec. room in 3…2...1...action. Nothing changed, but Raph assumed he was being filmed for the mass of scientists. How much did they want him to know? He froze momentarily. Was he a mindless creature, or was he a humanoid? With intelligent thought? Leo would kill him if he revealed their existence to the world, but it was already a bit too late. He didn't have to give them anything more than they thought. He got shakily to his feet, his legs trembled under the pressure. He hadn't used them for who knew how long? He hadn't been removed from the metal frame since he first awoke on it, and he hadn't eaten real food at all, just iv drips keeping him alive. With a small glance around, Raph wondered how they had made such a realistic forest, then snorted under his breath. These guys were apparently with the government, they could do whatever they wanted.

He started wandering aimlessly, wondering if there was any way he could get food. Something scuttled over his foot and Raph jumped, repulsed by the feeling of tiny feet. A beetle was right in between his feet, a beetle nearly as large as his thumb. Raph bit his tongue to keep from shrieking, and a horrifying idea came to his mind. He was not going to eat a bug, no way, not happening. His stomach growled in protest and Raph started shaking, he hated bugs, he really did. As if on cue, a small swarm of beetles walked out of the bushes and over his feet, this time he couldn't stop the shriek of terror that ripped from his dehydrated throat. He scrambled away, as fast as possible, wincing as he squelched the tiny bugs under his feet. Once Raph found himself backed into a wall, he closed his eyes and sunk down, a crazy idea came to mind. If he showed them he was like a human, would they stop all this? He opened his mouth, only to find that his throat was too dry and scratched for him to form words, so Raph just hugged his legs, buried his head in his knees, and wished he was home. He barely cared when a small tranquilizer dart impaled itself in his neck and he fell unconscious, though he could feel the hands lifting him as he drifted away into darkness.

When he awoke, Raphael was once again restrained, completely debilitated. The wire in his mouth seemed larger, more painful, and oddly warm. It felt like his limbs were being torn from their sockets, something was different about this one, as if they were trying to stretch him larger with progressively bigger metal frames. His eyes opened to find that he was in a completely new room, wood slats let light through from above, it was like he was hidden underground somewhere, under a floor. As he thought this, footsteps creaked across and a shadow flitted across the turtle's face. No loud voice announced he was awake, no scientists crowded around, taking notes. No electric pulses jolted through him, what was going on?

"There you are, awake at last." a voice Raphael had come to hate whispered from behind his head, a bland spot. Raph shivered, wincing as the restraints felt somehow tighter. "I must say, I was surprised that you did not give us a part of your mind when you were loosed, after all, I think we both know you are much more than a mindless creature," Raph tensed. "Ah, yes, you see, my comrades do not know about the kraang, or mutants, they just want in for the glory, money, and novelty." a light laugh that made chills race up his body. "I am in is for so much more, 93805." Raph wanted to yell, he wanted to shout his name over and over, so that they wouldn't forget it, but he was completely frozen in the metal restraints, staring upward as the man's breath blew over him, making more chills race up and down his shell.

"And, you see, the government is restricting experimentation on you, as a possibly new and also endangered species. But no matter, I'm working late tonight, as you see, and the building is deserted, save for me and you. And there are some things about you I want to know very, very much." he walked into Raph's field of vision. "After all, the kraang do not tell me anything, they only gave you to me for a very large sum of money. And I fully intend to make up for the money I lost by taking it out…" he smiled. "On you." Raph narrowed his eyes, what kind of sick person was this guy? "Ah, yes, 93805, I've found that torture helps very much to get your anger and frustrations out. And I seemed to notice something when you were in experiment seven, but no matter. After all, you are just a mindless creature, why do I speak to you like this?" He smirked, walking into another blind spot, Raph felt terror grip him again. What was the crazy man going to do?

The feeling of tiny feet appeared on Raphael's leg, and then more and more from the same spot, crawling over his body. Raph felt himself start to shake, clamping his eyes shut. They were just bugs, that's it. Just...little...bugs. He felt one of the little creeps crawl up his plastron, followed by others, and up his chin. It made him want to throw up, he really hated bugs. They were all over him, hundred of insects, this was worse than the hallucinations because Raph knew it was real, so terrifyingly real. And there was no one to help him. The purpose of the larger mesh ball in his mouth was made apparent as one of the insects crawled through the small gap between his lips and the metal. Raph's eyes flew wide open in terror, and a strangled scream forced it's way up his paper dry throat and past the metal. He felt the tiny creeps crawl over his face, chest, arms, legs, neck, and shell. But the irritating, scratching, inside his throat, exploring the wide-open depths of his mouth, made Raph shake involuntarily, he was trembling with the exertion of trying to tear away from the restraints, they cut into his skin ever so slightly, but that wasn't his worse nightmare come true. Tears of humiliation spilled over his eyelids and he located the human with his eyes, silently begging, while the scream continued whether he wanted it to or not.

The scientist obviously understood Raphael's silent wish, but he just smiled thinly, seeming to be enjoying the screams of terror that wracked Raphael's body as another bug crawled into his wide open mouth. This couldn't be happening, this couldn't be happening, this couldn't be happening! Tears continued to spill down the sides of his face, but Raph clamped his eyes shut. Why? Why did this person love to see him like this? Did it somehow make him feel strong? Suddenly, the bugs started vanishing, being flicked off one by one by an ice cold finger. Why were his hands always cold? The two inside Raphael crawled out, finally, but he couldn't erase the feeling he'd had, it was as if hundreds of insects were still crawling over him and through his throat and mouth. But he knew they were gone. A final, strangled sob escaped his mouth and he felt lower than he ever had. Why was he so weak? Why was he that terrified of bugs, he knew they weren't dangerous, very. They were just creepy, so creepy and crawly and irritating and...terrifying. An ice-cold hand rested on Raphael's thigh, up high where the skin was usually not accessible except for in this spread out state that was forced by the restraints, shivers ran up Raph's shell.

"Well, 93805, that was very interesting. I do enjoy pain, but I must admit, I did not expect you to react so to tiny insects like that." the hand disappeared and suddenly breath was right by Raphael's ear slit, his eyes popped open. "But then again, you must know you are weak." another sob ripped Raph's throat raw. "And there will be time for more extreme measures, but for now...it's getting late and I am tired. I will see you tomorrow morning in the lab, 93805." the frame Raph was on rotated once more, so that he was facing the floor, which suddenly opened and he sank into what appeared to be catacombs, which then turned into the sterile white shafts that the frame usually moved through, and it came to a halt in the stark white room he had first awakened in, the brick ceiling above him the only semblance of color, and Raph was left staring at the floor, watching tears still fall onto it as he continued to feel the hundreds of bugs on himself. All the turtle really wanted, at that moment, was to feel safe. He knew he should want more, his brothers, his father, his bed, but he didn't. He just wanted that one thing, which he was beginning to think he would never feel again.

* * *

Leo blinked, feeling something ebb away, and the room came into hazy focus. Three shapes leaned over him, and for a moment he felt elation, Raph was home! But her red hair and blue eyes came into focus, and he knew that his brother was still dead. Their faces lit up when he opened his eyes.

"How ya doing Leo?" Mikey asked eagerly, "Donnie says you can't eat solids right now, but I can make you a shake!" Leo groaned, reaching up to rub his head. What had happened again? Oh yeah, that surgery, for his leg.

"Did...did it work?" he asked, sending his senses through his body, he still couldn't feel his left leg. Don bit his lip.

"Well...there was a minor complication," he whispered, Mikey's eyes were shiny with tears and Leo felt dread hit him, hard.

"What? What happened?" he forced himself onto his elbows and felt like all the air had rushed out of him. He didn't feel his leg because it was gone. "Oh." he lay back down, staring at the ceiling. "Don, what was the complication? Will you be able to get me a prosthetic?" Don sighed, tapping his fingers on the table.

"Turns out that after I flushed your bloodstream of the poison, it had kinda soaked into your flesh, just below the scar though. It was so weird," he sighed, "when I started the surgery, I noticed that it was like some kind of flesh-eating parasite and had killed off your nerves first, and the motor abilities. But when I started the procedure, it started spreading." he held up a slightly bandaged finger, "into the rest of your leg, and to my hands. It was my only option to…" he looked away. "I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault, Donnie," Leo promised. At least now he didn't have that dead leg to drag around. "Maybe this is better, we'll figure something out. I promise."

"I know," Don said softly. "I just...i didn't want to do it." Leo bit back a snarl of annoyance. It didn't matter if Donnie wanted to do it or not, it was done! They had to move forward. The leader in blue took a deep breath and pushed himself carefully into a sitting position.

"How's your hand?" he asked, trying to ignore the absence of the limb. Don shrugged, looking at his fingers.

"I can still feel my fingertips, I stopped the infection, because I knew what it was, and I was in my lab." he let out a small sigh. "I just wish I could have saved your leg, Leo, but don't worry. I have several blueprints for a prosthetic in mind as we speak." he smiled, showing the gap between his teeth. Leo nodded, then looked down at where his leg would be, the stump of a leg ended right above where the scar had been, tightly wrapped in bandages. He took a deep breath and looked at his family.

"I think food sounds good right now, Mikey, I'll take a shake," he stated, Mikey nodded and ran out, followed closely for some reason, by April. Leo felt a strange sensation again, not quite the same as the last time, but still, as if someone was trying in vain to contact him through meditation. Odd.

"Leo, I'm sorry!" Donatello burst out, sounding near tears. Leo looked at his brother in surprise. He opened his mouth to speak, but Don rolled right over him. "I'm sorry I couldn't heal you, I'm sorry I didn't know about the parasite, I'm so so sorry about your leg, I…" he swallowed and closed his eyes. "I just feel so guilty, Leo. Why do I feel so guilty? You say it's not my fault and deep down I know it's not I just…" he shook his head. "Before you woke up, the first time? I was terrified of being the only one left to take care of Mikey. I don't want to be in charge, Leo, I need my older brothers as much as Mikey does!"

"Of course!" Leo butted in, reaching forward to grab his brother's shoulder. "I know, Donatello, and it's alright. We'll figure out a way, and I can still be leader, now I can tell you're itching to go work on those blueprints." Don smiled sheepishly. "And to be honest, I am too. So get over there and do it!" They both laughed, and it felt so wrong that the smile melted off Leo's face. How could they be laughing, so soon after Raph had died? Sure, it was a week, but Leo didn't think he should even smile until he was getting revenge for his brother's death. Don saluted somewhat jokingly and walked over to his desk, where he began penciling something in. Leo looked around the lab, and sighed. Things would never be the same, ever again. He knew that as well as anyone, but just once, the leader wished that he had not survived. He quickly banished the thoughts. He didn't want to be dead, just so he could see Raph again, Raph would kill him, again! And he would have left Donnie to take care of Mikey, and that wasn't fair. No, he didn't want to be dead. He thought darkly, he wanted the person responsible to be. As soon as he was up and running, Leonardo was going to enjoy watching life fade from Tigerclaw's eyes. The sensation came again, and Leo frowned. As odd as it was, he had no idea why he was feeling that. Who would be reaching out, in the astral plane, anyway? Splinter hadn't replied to his plea, maybe this was some kind of grieving process. Mikey came back in and held out the shake, Leo took it gratefully and drank it, thoughts still on revenge.

* * *

How hard was it to pick up the shelling meditation phone? Okay, maybe that wasn't what it was, but Raph was still irritated. He never meditated, but he was trying to find his brothers auras, he had always sucked at that. It was especially hard to focus when his entire body was one big mess of pain. He didn't know how long he'd been suspended here in the dark, facing downward, but he couldn't sleep, and he was highly dehydrated. He would die if this went on for much longer. Turning his thoughts once again to meditation, Raph clamped his eyes shut, focusing only on searching for Leo. he could feel the leader in blue's cool aura, just out of reach. He'd felt it before, even nearly contacted it, but then the electric shock had come. He finally could feel Leo again, but it was like his brother was blocking him somehow! He didn't understand how or why he would do that, but only rebounded his efforts to contact old fearless. They had to know he was missing, unless they were dead. Or thought he was dead, anything was possible, really. Raph didn't even know where in the world he was, let alone if he was still in the same country. Maybe the distance was making it hard to reach Leo? Raphael wouldn't know, he wasn't the mind guy, he was the strong guy. Despair tainted the thought. Well, at least he used to be the strong guy, now he couldn't even control himself when faced with ridiculous bugs, sure, they'd always scared him, but that scientist had only wanted to see Raph have a panic attack, and he'd gotten it.

What was he good for, anyway, when he was restrained like this? He couldn't reach Leo through meditation, he couldn't move his own body except for his eyes, and he was fairly sure someone was going to murder people to get his hands solely on Raph, on 93805. Raphael's eyes snapped open, greeted dimly by the faint floor. He strained all his strength to pull against the thick metal, grunting in effort. The grunt turned into a scream of outrage and Raph shook himself best he could, trying to loosen the bindings, but it was as if moving made them stretch him tighter. The scream of outrage turned to one of pain, what had he been thinking? He'd already tried to escape, in much more sensible ways, too! Now as he could distinctly feel the binds tightening, stretching him further than they had before as if any part of him touching another would cause planetwide mass destruction, he screamed. The screams ripped into his dry throat and he felt metallic moisture slide down his throat, but it hurt so bad! Tears of pain and panic slid out of Raphael's eyes as he willed the pain to stop, the tightening, the stretching. He just wanted it to stop. Eventually, after Raphael's screams had died thanks to the tightening of the band on his neck, and he had fallen limp, it did. He hung, panting, feeling the tightness slightly decrease, as he fell into the same immobilized state he'd been in for who knows how long. Why did this have to be happening? Why couldn't he just be home? No, he didn't even want specifically home, he just wanted to be out of this place, wherever he was, and to be safe. It was a pathetic thing to want, but he wanted it desperately.

The frame moved, but for once Raphael didn't feel that terror, he felt weary. He didn't want to do this anymore, he didn't really want to do anything anymore. He arrived in that lab again, surrounded by human scientists, the kraang had been strangely absent since the first time he'd awoken, but that made sense if he had been sold to the scientist. He blinked, trying to focus on what was happening. The humans were all looking at him, faces laced with...concern? Why on earth would they be concerned?

"What's wrong with the specimen?" one of the female scientists asked, "it seems different, it hasn't been run through a test for two days, has anyone been feeding 93805?"

"The iv drip will be fine." the chilling voice Raph hated assured her, "it needs no physical solid food."

"What about water?" someone else asked, "look how dry it's lips are." Raph blinked, he didn't understand why they cared, this was all their fault. "Someone get a hydration tube in here!" a soft hand, warm instead of freezing cold, stroked Raphael's cheek.

"Such a magnificent creature, it shouldn't be restrained like this. But no matter, once we finish the testing he'll be placed in an exhibit." Raph's head swam, an exhibit? He didn't understand what was happening. Only that a tube was slid into his mouth and soothing water flowed into his mouth. His eyes widened gratefully and he swallowed it earnestly, feeling his head clear, slowly. It was awkward to swallow with the restraints on his head and neck, but he managed it, it felt better than it should to have something in his stomach again.

"See? It seems much better now." the first scientist declared as the tube was taken, Raph suddenly realised what a bad position he was still in. sure, he had been hydrated, but he was still captured and in the hands of all these humans! "We can continue with today's test."

"Test twelve, procedure 331, blood samples." someone stated, Raphael's eyes widened in fear as a needle was injected into his arm, it stung but it was bearable. He closed his eyes with a small sigh of relief, maybe today's testing wouldn't be torturous after all.

* * *

 _ **Mwahahahahahaha. Well, at least one of these scientists has some morals… but how long will that last? Leo's lost his leg, what will happen to them? We get some more Mikey next chapter - also some family drama. Ehehehehe. Anyway, yeah! Thanks so much for reading and don't forget to review! They really make my day!**_

 _ **Until Tuesday,**_

 _ **-C.J.L.**_


	5. Without Thought

_**Hey you guys! It is Tuesday once again, and I'm back with another chapter! We have got A LOT of family drama in this one! Not much of Raph… but something very important does happen at the end and he makes an…. Appearance. *evil laughter***_

 _ **To Only Hope No Fear: Yes, I do torture the turtles *ahem* Raphael *ahem* quite a bit! Idk why lol. And don't worry! There's a big breakthrough and a lot of drama and action for you here! 3 Thanks for always reviewing, friend!**_

 _ **Warnings: fighting, mentions of amputation (obviously), violence, character death (mwahahaha), caps lock at one part of the chapter. Idk, I've heard that could trigger someone. 0-0 stay safe!**_

 _ **Disclaimer: I don't own TMNT (thank god, they'd all be dead by now if I did)**_

 _ **And now, the chapter!**_

* * *

"You're doing great!" Donnie declared as Leo ran back to him, a small smile on his face. He came to a halt and looked down at the prosthetic leg attached to his leg, the knee didn't really exist, but it was much better than crawling everywhere. "I think we can start training again soon!" Leo frowned.

"Don, I want to find Tigerclaw soon." he insisted, eyes narrowed. "I can do it, we're going tonight." Don's mouth fell open in surprise.

"But, Leo! That's a really bad idea, your leg!" he protested, Leo shook his head, jumping lightly and feeling the pressure from the prosthetic.

"I can do it!" he insisted, feeling resentment for Tigerclaw burn inside him, "I want to end this tonight, Donnie, I can't handle this anymore! I can't bear to think that the person responsible for our brother's death is still out there, perfectly fine!" Don sighed, then nodded. He set his face in determination.  
"Alright, let's go." the two of them made their way toward the lair, where Mikey was probably stress cooking some more. They were going to have enough food to last them a few months when this was over. Sure enough, when they entered, the aroma of fresh bread filled the lair. Bread was new, but it smelled good.

"Hey, Mikey!" Leo called, the freckle-faced turtle appeared in the doorway to the kitchen.

"Yeah bro?" he asked, attempting to sound lighthearted, and failing miserably. Neither older brother pointed this out, however, and Leo replied.

"We're going out tonight." he said grimly, "be ready, Mikey. We leave at sundown." Mikey looked momentarily terrified but nodded, mouth set in a small frown.

"How are we going to find Tigerclaw?" Don asked as Mikey walked back into the kitchen, humming under his breath. Leo frowned as well, thinking.

"I have a small feeling of where he might be, and I think tonight I need to follow my instincts." he couldn't explain why, but he was sure that his gut was the one to follow tonight.

* * *

 **"** **Do you have** ** _any_** **idea where you're going?" Mikey asked. Leo rolled his eyes, walking stiffly with his left leg, katana out.**

"Yes, now be quiet and be watching," he said in a hushed voice, walking around a random corner, not exactly random, he was just following where his feet and heart led him. Don was taking the rear and watched this with a grim expression. He wanted revenge as much as Leo did, but he got the feeling Mikey did not. With a small silent sigh of exasperation, Don reflected that he rarely took the back of the group, he frowned. Who did? Leo usually led them, Don always walked by his side, various trackers out, and Mikey would be somewhat random, Raphael would walk in the back. Don shuddered and walked closer to his brothers. He and Raphael had often argued over who was older than who, being the two middle children, Don figured he wouldn't debate with anyone about that now. Leo turned again, and they had started into a section of the sewers they weren't as familiar with. Mikey sighed loudly and obnoxiously, Leo suddenly halted, turning and glaring at the youngest turtle.

"What is wrong with you, Mikey?" he hissed, "don't you understand what we're doing?" Mikey just frowned at Leo. "well, what _I'm_ trying to do is get revenge for our brother! I'd appreciate it if you could please just listen for once!" Donatello instantly saw the hurt in Michelangelo's eyes and stepped between the two of them as he opened his mouth to retort.

"Mikey, Leo, don't argue. Please," he said, Mikey looked at him furiously.

"But Donnie! Leo's being so ridiculous about this! He can barely run on that leg yet, much less fight, and he's going hunting for someone who was able to kill Raphael when he was at the top of his game! So excuse me for thinking this is a little bit ridiculous!"

"Ridiculous?" Leo asked, outraged. "What about this is that strange to you, Mikey, do you think if it had been one of us that Raph would leave our deaths unavenged?"

"Of course not! But-"

"But what Mikey?" Leo demanded, waving a hand in the air. "What could possibly matter more to you right now than revenge for Raph? I don't understand! After all, you were the first of us to know he was dead, why don't you want revenge for that experience? Are you too scared? Getting cold feet?" Leo shoved Donnie from between him and Mikey as he rounded stiffly on the younger mutant, Mikey glared at Leo with tears in his eyes.

"Are you kidding me?" he demanded, stabbing a finger into Leo's chest, "Leo, be logical for once! Why on earth would revenge help anything? This is that whole thing that Splinter was always warning us about? Revenge only leads to more suffering! I don't see why you want it so badly!"

"Splinter is dead!" Leo shouted.

"So is Raph!" Mikey shrieked, Leo grabbed Mikey's arm and they stared into each other's eyes.

"We got revenge for our father's death, but not our brothers? Who do you think you are, Michelangelo?" Mikey's eyes grew wide. Don reached forward but the glare Leo cast him made him freeze.

"Really? Really, Leo? You're going to pull that on me? Shredder wanted to kill us either way! He had to die even before he killed Splinter! But we haven't caught any tiny evidence that Tigerclaw is even still in the city! And you want to go tromping around through the sewers until you find him, and kill him!"

"He killed Raph!" Leo yelled, "if he had killed you I'd still want revenge!"

"He didn't kill me!" Mikey cried, yanking away from Leo. "we don't even know it was him who killed Raph! He was just there! And since when do you want to kill someone? You didn't want Don to kill Vicioso! Raph wouldn't want us to become killers!" electric blue eyes narrowed. "But you've already killed someone, Leo, the Shredder. Maybe you _like_ killing, huh? Maybe you _wanted_ an excuse to kill again!" a ringing slap rang through the air and Mikey stumbled back, eyes wide. Don thrust himself between the two fighting brothers as Leo realized what he'd done.

"Mikey-"

"Don't say anything, Leonardo." Mikey choked out through sobs, "just don't say anything!" he turned tail and ran off down a tunnel, Don held Leo back as he lunged after him.

"MIKEY!" he cried, "I didn't mean it! I-"

"Just stop, Leo," Don whispered, grabbing his brother tightly. "Stop it. Let's keep going, he doesn't want revenge, not really. Mikey doesn't want anyone to die, I doubt he wanted Shredder to die, let's just give him time." Leo looked stricken, but nodded anyway and started down the tunnel again. He felt so horrible, he'd slapped Mikey, he had slapped his baby brother!

In another tunnel, Mikey was running as fast as he could to get away from the other two ninjas, tears streaming down his face. He knew Leo hadn't meant it, that didn't stop the lingering sting from hurting. Mikey didn't understand why they wanted revenge so much, Raph had sacrificed himself like Leo had so many times, the only difference was that he actually died! Mikey skidded around a corner, hoping to get effectively lost. Soon enough, he stopped thinking about anything but losing his way, and the things he saw blurred in his mind.

After what seemed to be an hour, though Mikey didn't really know, he skidded to a halt, hearing something. Ragged breathing from a small niche ahead of him, who could it be? He took out his kusarigama and held it loosely, walking in full ninja mode toward the space. Mikey closed his eyes and took a deep breath, then jumped in front of the opening, eyes growing wide in surprise, and then narrowing in a sudden intense fury.

"You." he hissed, slinging his chain to wrap around the mutant sitting there, Tigerclaw glared balefully at him and did not struggle, he didn't seem to be able to move any of his limbs.

"Turtle." he hissed, yellow eye narrowed in anger, Mikey felt anger crawl through him.

"YOU!" he screamed, "YOU KILLED HIM!" the blade on his kusarigama slashed faster than he thought it would, and soon was buried in Tigerclaw's heart, his eye grew glazed and he grinned lazily.

"Who, Raphael? No, Michelangelo...he is not...dead...the kraang took him, and injured me with a strange white powder...never make a deal with the kraang...Michelangelo." a shuddering gasp and his head fell to one side, Mikey stood where he was, staring with wide angry eyes at the sight before him, and then what the mutant had said hit him. Raph wasn't dead. Raph was alive! He was with the kraang!

"Wake up!" he said sharply, kicking Tigerclaw, the mutant did not respond, Mikey yanked his kusarigama out, splattering the walls and himself with blood. "Wake up and tell me where my brother is!" he seethed, slashing the weapon down again, and again, and again. Until he realized what he had done. Mikey had just killed Tigerclaw. He staggered back and fell back, onto his shell. He stared at the dead mutant before him, half still furious, and half terrified. One thing was clear: Raph hadn't died in the fire, he had left the site alive with the kraang. That meant there was some chance that Raph was...still alive. Panicked yells echoed up the tunnel and Mikey recognized his brother's voices, hearing the loud, limping footsteps of Leo and the softer ones of Donatello.

"Mikey!" Leo gasped, seeing his brother covered in blood, "what hap-" the two older turtles froze, staring at the scene before them. Michelangelo slowly looked up at his brothers blankly.

"I...i killed him." it came out as a sob. "Donnie, I killed him!" the freckle-faced turtle's voice rose an octave, "I killed Tigerclaw, I didn't mean to! But then he said…" Don and Leo were helping him to his feet, wiping the blood gently from his face.

"Let's go get you cleaned up," Don whispered, he and Leo guided Mikey along with them. Mikey's head was still whirling, and he'd not told them about Raphael yet, but he wanted to.

"No, I have to tell you-"

"It's alright." Leo promised, "I shouldn't have pushed you, Mikey, I know you never...you never wanted to kill." he let out a small sigh. "But Tigerclaw is dead, Mikey, and I for one, am glad that the murderer is gone."

"But Leo-"

"No, Mikey, I really am sorry!" Leo insisted, not allowing Mikey to speak, "I didn't mean to hit you, and I didn't want you to do something you didn't want to do. This is my fault entirely and I take full responsibility for it." he looked away. "I understand if you don't respect me ever again." Mikey looked blankly at Leo, he had forgotten about their argument completely, it was as if a hole in his heart had been filled back up with the hope that Raph was somehow still alive. He blinked, then tried to speak again.

"Leo, no, I do-"

"Come on guys, let's get home," Don said, pulling them to go faster. "It's been a long night, and I'm sure you're exhausted, Mikey."

"You guys aren't listening to me! Again!" Mikey yelled, yanking away from his brothers. "I've been trying to tell you something!" they both looked at him expectantly. "Listen, guys, Tigerclaw, before he died, he said something and I think he was telling the truth!" they both looked doubtful. "He said that Raph was still alive, Leo, Donnie! Don't you understand? He made a deal with the kraang and they backstabbed him, and they took Raph, and they got him with the same powder they got Leo's leg with, he was telling the truth!" Mikey beamed. "Raphie's alive!"

"Come on, Mikey," Leo said softly. "you're tired." Mikey frowned.

"Yeah, but I know he was telling the truth!" he said heatedly, "I can feel it, Leo, I know he's alive somewhere! We have to find him! We have to!"

"Mikey, that's enough!" Leo said angrily, "it's bad enough you had to go through this, but with that creep telling you lies and you believing them? And trying to tell us it was true? I can't handle it! Raph is dead, and stop trying to tell me otherwise!" Mikey shook his head, standing firm.

"Donnie, you believe me, don't you?" Donnie frowned.

"Mikey, I believe he said those things to you, but I do not think it is true." he whispered, "come on, you need to get cleaned up and you need sleep." Mikey stared at them, sadly.

"Fine, but I know it's true," he muttered, letting them guide him back to the lair. He knew it was true, it was his last hope that Raph was still alive, and he hadn't felt that since he found the fire. He was silent and thinking while they cleaned him up, and he knew he was worrying his brothers. But here he was, weeks after Raphael's death, and had found out that his brother may still be alive. Sure, he'd been with the kraang all that time, but maybe they were using him for tests, or...Mikey sighed as he walked into his bedroom, cleaned and exhausted. If Raph was alive, he was being tortured, that much he knew. Did he want his brother to be suffering, or did he want his brother to be gone forever? With that in mind, Michelangelo lay down and tried to sleep, though his thoughts kept swirling as if they didn't have much form.

* * *

Leo sat in his room, prosthetic leg removed, thinking. It was denial, it had to be. Mikey had to know that Raph was dead. But then, that aura. He suddenly felt it reaching out again and closed his eyes. Maybe, if he tried to reach it as well, he could find out once and for all the fate of Raphael. Because, of course, if the slight chance that Mikey was right proved to be true, he would want to rescue him as quickly as possible. He felt the strange, foreign feeling aura. He felt his own grow closer to it than before, and they touched. His eyes opened and he found himself standing in the astral plane.

"Hello?" his thoughts rang out as he opened his mouth. "R-Raph? Is it you?" his eyes fell on a huddled shape, a few yards away from him. Leo walked over on his smoky astral legs, and his eyes widened as he saw that the shape was actually a turtle mutant, huddled in a ball, breathing shallowly. He knew that face anywhere, astral plane or no. "Raph!" the astral breathing shuddered and faded green eyes fluttered open before closing again. Raph licked his cracked and dried lips as if he were about to speak.

"H-he-help...m-m-me…" and then Leo was waking with a start.

He nearly fell off the bed, eyes wide at what he had just experienced, it was true, Mikey was right. He quickly reached over for his leg, prosthetic of course, and secured it to his leg hurriedly before staggering to his bedroom door and pulling it open, the only light came from the lab, but he walked across the hall to Mikey's door and knocked gently.

"Mikey, Mikey!" he whispered, somewhat urgently, and was surprised as Michelangelo opened the door, eyes red from crying.

"What is it?" he asked softly, Leo grabbed Mikey in a hug.

"He's alive, Mikey, Raph is alive!" Michelangelo's eyes widened.

"What? I thought you thought I was crazy!" he protested, Leo shook his head against Mikey's shoulder. "Leo, you really believe me? You know we have to find him, right?"

"Not you, too." Donatello's voice said from behind them Leo turned.

"Don, Raph is alive!" he said gleefully, "he's alive, somewhere." Don frowned.

"How do you know," he stated blandly. Leo hesitated, he didn't what to tell them he'd hidden the strange experiences from them, but they had to know.

"I was meditating, and he reached out to me on the astral plane." he stated simply, "I finally got to see his astral form and…" Leo hesitated. Don was watching with interest now.

"And?" Leo shuddered.

"He, even in his astral from Raph could barely speak, but I could tell he was in meditation, not from the spirit world." tears sprung to the leader's eyes. "He only managed two words before I lost the connection, it was a weak one, he said 'help me'." the three brothers looked at each other wearily. This was going to be hard, and long, but they knew they would find Raphael.

"I'll call bishop." Don declared, "he should know that the kraang appear to be operating again, then we should all get some rest for tomorrow, we have a lot of planning to do." Leo and Mikey nodded, Mikey looked sheepishly at Leo, though Leo saw the horror in Michelangelo's eyes.

"C-can I sleep with you tonight?" he whispered, "I just keep seeing…" he didn't finish and didn't have to. Leo knew that the image of Tigerclaw's dead body would be burned into Mikey's mind, as the shredder's burning was to his own.

"Of course, come on Mikey." they walked to Leo's room and Leo smiled thinly. For the first time since this all happened, he felt that there might be some semblance of normal again after all, once they got their brother back.

* * *

 _ **Well, at least Mikey and Leo don't still hate each other. 0-0 poor Mikey, too! I forgot what a horrible person I am, geez Louis. Anyway, what did y'all think? Hate me yet? Don't worry, you will after the next chapter! MWAHAHAHAHA! *ahem* sorry. Anyway, yeah! Thanks for reading and /please/ review!**_

 _ **Until Friday,**_

 _ **-C.J.L.**_


	6. Without Hope

_**Oh god, it's Friday already! I'm back with another chapter! Lol, y'all are gonna really hate me for this I'm not even joking :D**_

 _ **To Only Hope No Fear: Lol, I love your reviews dude. I'm just so glad I make you feel (or not feel 0-0) These emotions! Really makes me feel like a good writer lol. Thank you!**_

 _ **To Raphfangirl2708: Oh! Haha… I was worried some people wouldn't like my human AU's. Glad you do, though! I'm glad you also enjoy this story! As for making Raphael a girl… I don't see it. But there's a small idea in the back of my head that might count? Not really? Idk. Thanks for reviewing!**_

 _ **Warnings: dehumanization, torture, violence, caps lock. All that fun stuff! :D**_

 _ **Disclaimer: I don't own TMNT!**_

 _ **And now, the chapter.**_

* * *

The frame rattled and pulled tight as the vehicle rode over a bump, he groaned, cracking open his eyelids. Vehicle? What? And then he remembered. The last time he'd been awake, that creep was loading him into a private delivery truck, as he explained gleefully that his 'coworkers' were all dead and that he had faked an explosion, no one was going to help Raphael. How long had he been riding, motionless save for the jolts of the truck. Light seeped in through cracks in the back doors, ten yards in front of Raphael, and he was helpless to do anything like attempt escape. The frame he was restrained on was attached to the walls of the truck, the scientist had explained as he locked Raph in, and in his weakened condition, Raph had nothing to do but hang there limply, and occasionally sleep. His entire body ached and he felt a pang of homesickness, what would he give to be at home with his brothers?

The memory of Raphael's dream sprung to mind. He had been made of smoke, with a smoky Leo kneeling beside him. All Leo had said was Raphael's name, and all that escaped Raphael's mouth was a plea for help, before the jolting vehicle had pulled him away. Had he finally reached Leo in the astral plane? Unlikely, but Raph hoped so, hope that his brothers would somehow find him was all he was running on these days. The thought that the man driving this truck had no restrictions as to what to do to Raph made fear run through his veins, he had stopped trying to be strong a while ago. His mouth, throat, and tongue were almost completely dry again, and his lips were cracked. The green-eyed turtle's eyesight was blurry at best, and he had a pounding headache. The metal on his head and in his mouth felt like barbed wire, which for all he knew, it could be. Who knows what this man was going to do to him, he had said 'genetic experimentation' but what the shell did that mean? And he obviously loved torture, so Raph could be sure of that.

Raphael closed his eyes again, hope at the dream he'd had fading away. Even if he had found Leo, how should they find him, and rescue him? He had no idea where he was, and they had no idea where he was, and he was probably going to move around as much as this creep wanted, what would keep Raph from being an experiment for the rest of his life? Even the humans that had known of him were either dead or believed him to be blown to smithereens in the 'explosion', the only person other than himself that knew his situation was the man doing this, and he wasn't going to help Raph. A shudder ran through his body and he hung limp. He didn't bother opening his eyes or trying to moisten his tongue anymore. 93805 lost hope and felt any sense of control and security leave him. 93805 was never going to be free again.

No! He thought angrily, eyes snapping open. His name was Raph! He was Hamato Raphael! That number wasn't him, he knew that's what the man would call him but that wasn't him! Whatever this man did, he couldn't take away the turtle's sense of identity any more than he already had, of that Raphael was sure. And the others would find him, Leo, Mikey, and Donatello would search the entire galaxy before giving up on their brother. He knew that because he would do the same for any of them. He just had to wait, even though he hated waiting. They would find him and he would get out of here, he knew he would! Raph closed his eyes again, trying to hold onto the part of himself he could never let slip away. Please, he thought, let my brothers find me quickly.

* * *

With a terrifying jolt, the truck came to a hard stop, Raphael was thrown against the nearly nonexistent leeway his restraints provided. He grunted as thick metal pressed against his throat painfully, and the doors in the back of the truck flew open, revealing that he had arrived in some kind of underground bunker, fluorescent lights flickered, making the turtle squint.

"This is it?" a voice Raph didn't recognize asked.

"No, it's the other giant turtle." the chilly one Raph did know, and hated, said sarcastically. Normally he would have applauded the sarcasm, but he really hated humans. The two men climbed into the truck, followed by several others. "Now, you won't be giving us any trouble now, will you, 93805?" Raph didn't even narrow his eyes in response, he didn't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he'd gotten to him. The men unattached the frame and Raph found himself horizontal, facing the ground, as they slowly and carefully stepped out of the truck.

"Lab one or two?"

"Oh, we'll mix it up as we go, but for now I want it in lab two." the voices droned and Raph struggled to make out the differences between them. And then he found himself vertical once more, in what must have once been a stark white lab, but was now grungy and dirty. Great, he was going to be tortured and it wasn't even a sterile environment, that was just great. The restraints tightened, and the leeway he'd had in the truck was completely gone, as Raphael was stretched so that nearly every inch of him that could be seen from the outside, without poking and prodding, was painstakingly visible. He hated the feeling of vulnerability it gave him, but he knew he had grown used to it. That didn't make it enjoyable. Now that the four men stood in front of him, Raph saw that one was actually a woman, though three were indeed male. They all wore lab coats and were looking at him with interest.

"Shall we begin on the tests?" scientist number one asked the one who Raph knew. Without a reply, he pressed a button on a small remote and the frame Raph was in lowered so that he was facing the ceiling, knowing pain was imminent. To his slight confusion, the first thing brought out was a needle, why did they need more blood samples? He already had those. But Raph's eyes widened when he saw the poisonous looking black liquid in the needle. That was not good. He felt a sharp pain as the needle was stabbed into his bicep, which was not as large and developed as he remembered, and he could barely even see, let alone bear to watch, as the liquid was inserted into his veins.

Agony instantly ripped through him, and a strangled scream tore from his throat, making the already raw flesh bleed again. Raphael was hardly aware that he was shaking, but he felt the restraints tighten and stretch him tighter outward, which somehow seemed to make whatever chemical was in him hurt that much more. Tears of pain slid from his clamped shut eyes and he heard screaming. It was still his, it hurt so much why was this happening to him? White dots danced on his eyelids and another burst of pain, somehow even worse than the one before it, made him scream that much louder. The screams dissolved into raspy sobs as he forced his eyes open, and was instantly sickened that the four humans were watching with interest, the man who had started all this even wore a small smile! His body was wracked with pain and he felt the hot tears still falling off the sides of his head, what kind of people would do this to another living being? Forget intelligent thought, any animal? Humans. Humans would. A burning hatred fired in his chest, but was soon forgotten as another burst of pain shook him. When he next could see, the pain had somewhat waned, and two of the four humans were out of sight, the man Raph detested the most was still there, with another that Raph didn't think had spoken yet.

"Incredible what this solution can do to a living creature," he said now, running a finger along Raph's arm. "And the level of intelligence this one has just makes it more intense than our last subject, a chimpanzee."

"Yes, it is very fascinating." the Scientist mastermind agreed, then looked down at Raph, who was still crying, not able to wipe the tears from his eyes. "And perhaps, if we remove the mouth immobilizer, he would even be able to speak." Raph narrowed his bloodshot eyes, but before he could react, the mesh ball had shrunk and retracted out of his mouth and the bar now above him looked like a robotic scorpions tail. That really didn't help.

"Please…" he rasped despite himself, "please…" the new man's eyes widened.

"Incredible! He has intelligent thoughts as humans do?" Scientist number one nodded, smiling thinly.

"Ah, yes, 93805 is a very rare, and possibly extinct species, though maybe it could shed light on that." they both looked down at Raphael, whose eyes were as wide as dinner plates. "So, 93805, tell us, is there more of your kind? Don't lie to me now, I'll know if you do." Raph didn't know what to say, if he said yes he'd be selling out his brothers, but if the creep could really tell if he lied he'd know the answer anyway, so Raphael decided to remain silent. That was obviously not what the scientist wanted, but he breathed in deeply and spoke again, as if talking to a child. "Turtle, my name is Dr. Sanguine, this is my associate, Dr. Dupree. Now, can you tell us where you come from?" Raph just stared at him. No way he was talking! Sanguine's face grew a bit red. "93805, i asked you a question!" he slapped Raphael's face, and since Raph couldn't move his head like he usually would to absorb the impact, it felt as though that side of his face had momentarily shattered. But his head was spinning for another reason as well. He had a name, he did!

"Raphael." Raph whispered, because any louder would make his throat hurt more than it already did. "My name is Raphael." both scientists smirked.

"You are specimen 93805, turtle." Dupree explained slowly, as if Raph was one year old. "Creatures like you don't have a name."

"Then i have nothing to say." Raph whispered, he stared past their heads at the grubby ceiling. This was so humiliating! What wouldn't he give to have burned in that fire- Raphael's thoughts froze. Is that really what he wanted? Did he really want to be dead? Comparatively, that might be better. He would be with his father, he wouldn't be put through all of this horrible torture, but he would be dead. Gone. forever, no chance, then, to get out of the situation. When he refocused his gaze on the two humans, he saw he had not given the right response, and he didn't care. Another stinging, face shattering blow landed on his other cheek and he couldn't hold back a gasp of pain, eyes watering.

"If you have a name, someone gave it to you!" Sanguine insisted gleefully, though still glaring at Raph. "there are more of you, i know it! Where do you come from, 93805?" he said the number on purpose, smirking at Raphael's twitch. Raph didn't reply. "Surely you don't want to get another injection?" he asked softly, staring directly into Raphael's emerald eyes. "Surely, you will tell me where you come from to avoid more pain?" though it hurt immensely, Raph let out a short painful bark of laughter, Sanguine's face darkened considerably. Before Raph knew what was happening another needle was in the other arm, and another dose of that black liquid was pushed forcefully into him, making the turtle scream in agony, he felt blood rise in his throat, but could not control the screaming.

"NO! PLEASE!" he managed to shriek within the agony, but the two humans just watched him impassively as the jolts of pain became shorter and less frequent, though each time more painful. When he finally started sobbing, after the last jolt of pain, he could barely see through the tears. "Please, not again! Not again!" Sanguine smiled thinly,

"Of course not, as long as you tell us where you come from, 93805." he stated, Raph felt torn, he was still sobbing as he tried to decide what to do, he could lie and see what happened, that was really his only choice. Raph would never disclose his brother's location to an enemy, to a human. "Where do you come from?" Raph took a shuddering breath, trying to be able to speak sensibly again, with tears still streaming out of his eyes.

"I...I come from...from...Florida." he lied rapidly, letting it simply come to him. Both scientists looked at each other.

"Makes sense, a lot of weird things happen in the swamps down there." Dupree stated, Raph realised he was one of the weird things.

"Thank you, 93805." he said, smiling evilly. Before Raph knew what he was doing, the mesh ball was once again in his mouth, completing his immobilization. "I'm sure we'll speak again." the lights shut off and the humans walked out, leaving 93805 still sobbing, in the darkness.

* * *

"Chicago?" Donatello asked, frowning at the phone. "The Kraang are in Chicago? That's...that's nearly eight hundred miles away!" his voice cracked in despair, the longer it took them to track down their brother, the more likely that all they'd return home with was a mangled body.

"Really?" Leo asked, sounding weary. "Of course, the next city i'd choose if i wanted a place to hide is freaking chicago!" he angrily punched the wall, shaking slightly on his prosthetic leg. Mikey remained silent, as he had been all day save when necessary. Don sighed, rubbing his head. How were they going to get to chicago?

"Guess we're taking a road trip." he decided, "I'll call April so she doesn't freak out when we're suddenly gone, you guys go pack stuff, all the food and other necessities." he breathed out slowly, "it's going to be a long drive." Leo and Mikey nodded and made their way slowly out of the lab, Donatello sighed, took his phone and dialed April's number.

"Hello?" her voice asked when she picked up, Don took a breath.

"Hey, April, it's Donnie."

"I saw the caller id, Donatello, what is it? Is something wrong?" she asked, sounding anxious and sad, like they all had been.

"Not...exactly." he sighed, "look April, i just called to let you know that we're going to be gone for a while and-"

"What? Why? Donnie, what happened? Do i need to come down there and-"

"April, please." Don begged. "It's a long story but, we think Raph is still alive."

"What?"

"And the kraang have him, and Bishop found out that the kraang are back, they're in chicago. So me and the others are going to be in chicago, trying to find the kraang so that we can track down Raph." he sighed. "I said it was complicated."

"I'm coming with you." Don had been expecting this, and he sighed in annoyance.

"April, be reasonable, you can't just up and go on a road trip!"

"It's summer vacation, i just graduated anyway, why not? You know you could always use me, or my powers, or for company! Besides, i can get to Chicago before you by plane because I'm human, take me with you." Don sighed, he hated to put April in that position, but he knew she was right.

"Fine, you can come. We're leaving as soon as possible because…" he didn't finish, they all knew why. Raph was most likely either dead by now or being tortured and experimented on by the kraang, and the longer it went on the worse condition Raphael would be in when they got him back.

"I'll be packed and in the lair within the hour." April said, then hung up. Don sighed and put his phone down, well, looks like a team of four will be moving out anyway. The purple masked turtle stood and retrieved his duffel bag, shoving things from his lab he might need into it. Blueprints for different prosthetics, just in case, a tightly sealed beaker of both mutagen and retromutagen, and his laptop. All the medical supplies, along with a stress ball because this was not going to be a relaxing vacation. When he joined his brothers in the kitchen, Don smiled a bit. Mikey had been stress cooking, a lot. They would have plenty of food for a while, and after that, they could use the money they had stored, and since April was coming she could help out too.

"April's coming, isn't she." Leo stated. Don sighed and nodded.

"She said she'd just go by plane and get there faster anyway, besides, we need a human to drive anyway."

"True." Leo agreed, wrapping a loaf of homemade banana bread in saran wrap. His cobalt eyes were filled with anxiety. He had seen how weak Raph's spirit was the night before, and it terrified him. He didn't want Raph to be broken beyond repair when they found him, and the only lead they had was Chicago. With a small sigh, he stuck the loaf of bread into a bag and reached for a plate of cinnamon rolls.

* * *

 _ **Lol I almost forgot about all Mikey's stress-cooking. At least it's coming in handy. Anyway, what do y'all think? Also - who is super happy that Phil Lester posted a new video today? I'm a youtube nut and I'm curious as to whether any of you guys watch the same ones I do. Haha, also don't hate me for this book honestly I just love torturing people idk. Just be glad I'm an author and not a psychopath! 0-0 can you imagine… lol nevermind. Thanks for reading and please review!**_

 _ **Until Tuesday,**_

 _ **-C.J.L.**_


	7. Without Identity

_**Hey'all! I hope you've all had an excellent weekend. I have, tbh. Feeling a bit down today, but that's just stress lol. This chapter is pretty intense… will explain more with the warnings.**_

 _ **To Only Hope No Fear: Aw! I'm sorry I made you cry! *hug* don't worry…. (like you'll trust that lol) things work out okay for Raph! *no spoilers aaaaugh***_

 _ **To Raphfangirl2708: Heh… thanks? *hug* Glad you're enjoying this!**_

 _ **WARNINGS: Lots of violence and anger in this, dehumanization, torture, genetic experimentation (slightly mature mention but nothing explicit I swear), all the angst and sadness. 3**_

 _ **Disclaimer: I don't own TMNT**_

 _ **And now, the chapter!**_

* * *

Chicago was surprisingly like NYC, Mikey decided as he and his brothers and April ran across rooftops, Donatello giving directions now and then. Bishop has hacked a kraang ship and found the address to their main place, and they were just blocks away. He hoped beyond hope that Raph would be there, end of story, but the orange masked turtle had a feeling it was much more complicated than that.

"Left, up this street four buildings," Don said, voice tight with anxiety. They didn't know Chicago like they knew New York. "and then we're there." Mikey felt a terrifying thrill of anger rush through him, like the one that he had killed Tigerclaw with. He shuddered, landing lightly on the next rooftop, he had killed someone, actually killed them! He hated to think about it. "Here." they all came to a halt, looking at the building in front of them. A few blocks down, Mikey could see what looked like a blown up building, but he was getting distracted again.

"Ninja…" Leo hesitated, holding a hand up in a fist. Blue eyes flitted to his fake leg and then back at the building. "Go, full ninja mode, I'll take the rear." Mikey jumped onto the building and ran to the skylight, using a special tool Don had given him to cut a hole in the glass, silently. The four ninjas dropped inside the building, seeing the familiar pink kraang glow everywhere. This was it, all right.

"Where now?" Mikey hissed, Don hesitated, and Mikey's electric eyes fell on a doorway, he gestured for them to follow and ninja'd over to it. He felt like this place was the place to go, and with things from dimension x, they all knew he would probably be right. Once inside, Mikey walked up to the large computer, eying it nervously, Don was at his side, watching every move as Mikey seemed to spontaneously know which buttons to push. Soon enough, the cryptic password was finished and the kraang data filled the large screen. Mikey only recognized a few of the kraang words, and he scanned for the one he knew best. Turtle. There! He selected the one three to the right and it came up, Mikey's eyes somehow translating the text instantly. His heart plummeted, but before he could speak there was a shower of sparks and Leo grunted, pulling his katana from a kraang droid to attack another, April joining in as well. Donatello dove into the fray and Mikey looked one last time at the computer. This wasn't right, he had to find out who was calling the shots.

"Oh no." he said blandly, "you amazing kraang have overtaken us, I guess you have no choice but to bring us to your leader." everyone looked at him, and his family followed suit, lowering their weapons. The kraang looked at each other, shrugged their robot bodies, and started guiding them down hallways.

"You astound me." Donatello hissed, Mikey beamed back for a moment before letting his face fall back into the permanent frown.

"Kraang believes these are the ones known as the turtles from the place known as new york." one remarked, "there are three and the girl is known as Target April O'Neil." all the 'hostages' rolled their eyes as a large set of doors slid open, revealing a kraang that looked like Irma.

"We have discovered these mutants in the kraang hideout." another kraang announced. "He guessed we had no choice but to bring them to you." the supposed leader raised it's mask eyebrows.

"He guessed?"

"We...guessed." These kraang were slightly different, Mikey noticed, and the leader looked at the intruders closely, Mikey and the others acted at the same time. Mikey swung his kusarigama and made the doors slide shut, Leo took out five kraang in one go and Don and April had similar success, with the secret surprise plan Mikey had formed. Now, fueled by anger, Mikey ran at the last kraang, the Irma one, and pinned it against the floor, weapon raised.

"Turtles, you are not in new york city," it stated, shocked. Mikey narrowed his eyes.

"What are you doing, Mikey? What's the plan?" Mikey ignored his brothers and instead spoke to the kraang.

"I saw on your computers that you had my brother, but you sold him to humans for money, to help you grow your new empire. Tell me it was a typo." there was a silence as Leo Don and April heard this for the first time.

"Kraang does not make typos, it is true we stooped so low once, but never again." it cackled, "the human scientist known as Dr. Sanguine paid us enough to stabilize our new empire. And after removing himself from what is known to humans as the government," the word sounded foreign in the kraang's broken speech, "he left the place known as Chicago, or here."

"Where's this guy going to?" Mikey insisted, raising his kusarigama, "you better tell or I'm going to kill every stupid kraang in this entire building!"

"The human known as Dr. Sanguine is going first to a place known as Nashville Tennessee. The Kraang have no knowledge of after that." the kraang rolled its fake eyes. "The kraang does not care that the turtles and April O'Neil know this, we have been paid already by the human known as Dr. Sanguine." Mikey brought the kusarigama down and slashed through the robot and kraang inside it with one swipe, then stood and looked at his family, who were staring at him in shock, and dusted off his hands.

"To Nashville Tennessee it is." he said in a grim voice, "c'mon." it wasn't until they were back on the rooftops that Mikey realized that he had somehow led the team through all of that, and they all followed him. No one spoke until they returned to the party wagon, as the sun was starting to rise.

"You did good, Mikey." Leo stated simply, "I want to talk to you about something." Mikey looked at him expectantly as they sat on the floor, April starting the engine. Leo looked at Don, who nodded. "I think I should, at least temporarily, turn leadership over to you." he frowned. "I can't do as much with my leg, and you seem to be doing my job anyway," Mikey blinked, he'd never meant to do that, but he had to admit he understood Leo's words, and nodded, barely.

"Ok, I think I can, for now," he whispered, then smiled with watery eyes. "But I still need my big brothers."

* * *

"You lied to me." the words cut through Raphael's thoughts like a katana through a kraang. He stared upward at the murderous expression on his captors face. "You are not from Florida." Raph didn't answer, though his muzzle-like restraint was in its scorpion mode, no other scientists were in the room. How on earth could Sanguine know? "Answer me!" he screamed, Raph flinched, "tell me where the other turtles are!" Raph didn't even open his mouth, just narrowed his eyes defiantly at the scientist. He wasn't going to say anything. Sanguine clenched his fists and glared at Raph, then walked to a small tray table and picked up a silver object. Raph's eyes grew wide when he saw the sharp blade which, unlike the room he was in, was sterilely clean.

"You will tell me where they are." he snarled, walking back to Raph, "I know you will." he paused, twirling the scalpel in his fingers. "Let me see, where are turtles such as yourself most sensitive?" Raph felt a thrill of panic as he walked around him, surveying every inch he could, before standing beside Raph's legs. He gently placed the tip of the blade down on the soft skin normally shielded by Raph's plastron, on the top of his thigh. But that's where all gentleness ceased. A scream ripped from Raph's throat as the blade was plunged into the narrow, sensitive patch of skin. Sanguine dragged the blade, deeply embedded in Raphael's leg, down toward the turtle's knee, making blood flow heavily from the wound. Then he withdrew the blade and looked back at Raph' who was gasping in pain, tears stinging his eyes and threatening to spill.

"You didn't like that, did you, 93805?" he sneered, "tell me where they are." Raph didn't speak, and Sanguine reached for another tool, a needle and thread that did not look as sterile as the knife had, and stitched the wound he had just created shut, Raph screamed again as he did so, it hurt so much. Now he picked up the knife again and walked around to Raphael's other outstretched leg. "Maybe matching scars." he sneered, repeating the torturous action there as well. Tears of pain and humiliation slipped from Raph's eyes. How could he let this happen to himself? How could he have let himself be captured by the kraang, and sold off like some kind of novelty? Why was he so weak he couldn't escape? Sanguine finished stitching the second cut and walked back up by Raph's head, eyes glinting in anger.

"Tell me where they are." he hissed. "You do not yet know what pain I can conflict on you!" Raph refused to speak, it was the one thing he had left, control over what he said. He could not even control his eyes anymore, as they flooded tears. One would think he'd run out of moisture, being already dehydrated, but maybe the iv drip in his arm was supplying him the moisture he'd used to live this long. Obviously furious, Sanguine stalked back out of Raphael's line of sight, and Raph felt panic rush through him. What was the crazy person going to do? A cold hand gripped the inside of each thigh and shivers ran up and down Raph's body.

"I warned you, I warned you!" Sanguine snarled, "I've wanted to examine this part of you since I first saw you, I want to know how I can breed you, well, 93805, I guess I'll get one thing I wanted." Raph's screams echoed through the empty room, his pleas for it to stop falling on deaf ears, and he was still screaming when the world became dark and all sense of thought had left his mind.

* * *

Mikey sat up, screaming, and then the screams halted and he blinked. He was in the party wagon, on one of the makeshift beds beside his brothers. He wasn't failing, already, he wasn't leading them into a trap, he wasn't killing all of his friends and family with one mistake. Mikey fell back onto the pillows, relieved.

"Mikey, it's alright." a soft voice said, Mikey hummed in agreement, tapping his fingers absently on his leg. They were on the side of a road somewhere in Kentucky, just a few hours from the Tennessee border, but April had needed to sleep. They all had, but she was driving. Michelangelo let out a small sigh and looked over at his brothers. Leo, who had just spoken, appeared to be completely asleep. He must have instinctively spoken when he heard Mike scream. Donatello, on Mikey's other side, was asleep as well, though he twitched and muttered under his breath in his. Undoubtedly the older turtle was having a nightmare, just as Mikey had been when he woke up. He sighed.

Mikey understood most of what that kraang had told him, about what Raph must be going through. If the person who had bought him, Mikey shivered at the thought, wanted to escape the government, he must be doing things to Raph that even it would not allow, and that terrified him. He had pieced the puzzle together quickly. Tigerclaw had asked the Kraang's help in attacking the turtles and/or purposefully capturing and isolating one of them for whatever reason, check. But the kraang had betrayed Tigerclaw's trust, unsurprising, and left him to die, paralyzed, check. The kraang brought Raph to Chicago and handed him off to some human scientists, check. One of the scientists had somehow gotten himself and Raph out from under the law's jurisdiction, check. And that scientist, Sanguine, was bringing him to Nashville, most likely to a secret laboratory, and all they had to do was find this laboratory, get Raph out, and they were home free. Mikey wished he could fall back asleep, but his mind was too busy thinking about this. What if this Sanguine guy had moved? Or what if he'd sold Raph to someone else? The more Michelangelo thought about this, the more terrified he became. Gently, so he didn't wake anyone up, the youngest turtle got to his feet and climbed out of the vehicle, closing the door softly.

The road was deserted, except for them and he stared at the sky, trying not to panic. What if when they found Raph, he was already dead? It would be more devastating than before because Mikey had already had that hole in his heart only to have it refill with the news that his brother was alive, he couldn't let Raphael down like that. Mikey sighed, pacing as he thought. He looked up at the lit up billboard a little ways away, and his eyes nearly popped out of his head. No way it was that easy, no way in shell. But there it was, he had no idea to know if it was the same one, but it was a lead.

 _Sanguine industries. Turn around, we're at exit 271, 1936 Lyndon street._

And over the sign was a smaller one that said, out of business, but Mikey could barely believe their luck! It had to be the same guy, Sanguine couldn't be that popular a name, could it? And they had been poised to drive away from the billboard, not even seeing it! Maybe it was a good thing April needed rest. But Mikey couldn't control himself now that he had a lead, he ran back to the car and yanked the door open, they all yelped, looking at him in surprise.

"Mikey?" Leo asked blearily, "why are you outside?" Mikey could barely contain his excitement.

"I think I got us an address." he declared, "April can you drive?" the human teen yawned and stretched, nodding with a smile.

"Mikey hold on." Don protested, "what do you mean you have an address? How on earth would you discover the precise location of our brother in the middle of nowhere?" Mikey giggled giddily and pulled his brother out of the van gently, he pointed at the sign.

"Look, Don, the kraang said this guy's name was Sanguine, and sure the place is out of business, but if he still owns it that would make it the perfect place! We have to check, anyway, it's a lead!" Leo and April had come to the door of the van and saw the sign as well.

"You remembered that guy's name, and figured out how to spell it?" Don asked, impressed, "what were you doing out here, Mikey?"

"I couldn't sleep." Mikey replied, "on the road again! Let's get moving, we have a brother to save!" they all chuckled and the two brothers climbed back into the party wagon. April turned on a staticy radio station.

"Someone write the address down real fast, I will forget it," she said, smiling sheepishly. Mikey obliged, having memorized it, and passed it up front,

"Here, April, it's off exit 271, three up." April nodded, starting the engine.

"Buckle up everyone." she declared, smiling. Mikey grinned as they pulled off the shoulder and onto the empty highway. His anxiety over losing Raph was smaller, but he still wanted to hurry. A glance at the clock told him it was three in the morning, but they were all wide awake as April stepped on the gas toward exit 271.

* * *

It was dark, the lab had been deserted for hours now, but Raphael was still shaking, letting out dry sobs because he had finally run out of tears, though his face was still damp. He was facing the floor now, hanging listlessly in the restraints except to shudder with sobs and tremble. A turtle's tail was very sensitive, be it mutant or otherwise, and he felt as if he had been completely reduced to nothing more than an object someone ran tests and experiments on. It was as if Sanguine's frigid hands were still on his thighs, higher than they should be. Raph let out a wracking sob and wished for home once again. But did he really deserve to go home? After all, he was an animal. An experiment, by all odds he should never have existed. Was he really anything more than a five digit number and a factory of data? He didn't know, honestly. He thought of the events he could remember, starting with the burning fire, and knew he was hopeless. What kind of ninja was he, what kind of warrior let himself be captured like this, tortured, and examined in such a way? He didn't know, honestly, and he knew he was a complete and utter failure to anyone who had ever known him.

Emerald eyes faded to a dull artichoke, his ragged sobs halted and 93805 hung limp. He didn't want this, he didn't want anything. Could experiments want things? Probably not. It was an experiment, It was an animal, a mass of data only useful for collection. It was not anything other than that, It was 93805.

* * *

 _ **DUN DUN DUN…. Please don't hate me lol. So… how will Raph - sorry, 93805 - escape now? Will the guys find him in time? Who's to say for sure? Thanks for reading and PLEASE review! Getting reviews really makes me happy so thanks so much for those of you reviewing! *hugs***_

 _ **Until Friday,**_

 _ **-C.J.L.**_


	8. Without Relation

_**Hey, so ya boi feels like crap. Here's chapter eight.**_

 _ **To Only Hope No Fear: Thanks so much for reviewing every chapter! Also, you'll see. Lol, I'm glad you've been enjoying this.**_

 _ **Warnings: dehumanization, torture, experimentation, violence, blood, character death**_

 _ **Hope Y'all had a better day than me, here's the chappie**_

* * *

It hurt, it hurt so very bad. 93805 screamed, not even trying to control itself as It felt blood ooze from the cuts. Sanguine stood over It, smirking as It writhed in pain, in the restraints, unable to do anything but scream.

"Now, where are the other turtles?" It didn't answer, It couldn't. It knew the scientist wanted to know where the other turtles were but...It wasn't quite sure where they were. "Where did you come from?" It wasn't sure of that either, and It was still screaming. The human's face turned into a mask of anger instantly. "Stop screaming!" he commanded, an electric pulse ran through It and It screamed again, only causing more electricity to hurt It. A soft moan escaped its lips as 93805 looked pleadingly up at Sanguine, but It had stopped screaming.

"Better. Now, where are they?" he hissed, leaning in close to Its face, which was drenched in sweat, losing much-needed moisture.

"Don't know." it whispered pleadingly, "It doesn't know!" Sanguine's eyebrows shot up and a crooked smile graced his features. He realized, then, that this animal had been broken. No one simply called themselves it unless they believed it.

"I don't believe that 93805," he said softly, pulling the scalpel out from where he'd stabbed it in Its arm, moving to be by Its, so far, unscathed chest. "Let's see how durable this shell really is, hm? We have all the time in the world." he plunged the scalpel into Its chest, at the sternum, and It screamed again, feeling tears of pain well up in Its eyes.

"No!" It screamed, "It's sorry! It's sorry!" Sanguine paid It no mind as he carved jaggedly into Its plastron, It writhed in pain, shaking uncontrollably inside the tight restraints. "It's sorry!"

"I don't think it is." Sanguine hissed, taking out the scalpel only to plunge it in an inch from where the last line had ended, "and I think It needs a reminder of who is in charge."

"It doesn't!" It pleaded, "y-you are in charge! It doesn't need reminding!" but again, It was ignored as Sanguine continued to carve numbers deeply into Its plastron, making 93805 sob with pain. "It's sorry!" the scientist clucked his tongue and shook his head, ignoring its pleas for mercy.

"After all, 93805 needs to use up all Its strength before I'm done." He reminded It, "because traveling unconscious will be much better for It." It didn't understand what that meant, It just wanted to pain to stop for once in its existence.

"It's sorry." It gasped again, feeling a needle inject into It. "no, no!" It screamed, watched the scientist's thumb push down, injecting the liquid into Its blood. "Please!" he screamed uncontrollably, as more blood seeped from the cuts all over Its body. The scientist didn't usually hurt It for this long, why was he hurting It more than usual? It screamed again, feeling Its throat become raw and bloody, just like the rest of It. Sanguine smirked at Its pain, even laughed a little, and for just a moment, the pain stopped. It panted, blinked tears and sweat out of Its eyes. And then it was back, worse than before, pain was always worse than before.

By the time the pain had finally stopped, It was exhausted, Its eyes were closed and It panted through Its torn up throat. Sanguine seemed dissatisfied but sighed.

"I think we're done for today." he stated, "it's time to load up and move out. Since It won't tell where the other turtles are, I'll have to find them on my own." It didn't know what he was talking about, only knew that the pain had stopped. "But first…" It screamed again, eyes flying open. Sanguine buried his scalpel in Its stomach, twisting, pushing, pulling, ripping. It screamed, tears falling now, losing water.

"No! It's sorry, It's Sorry, It's SORRY!" Sanguine stepped back, leaving the scalpel embedded in It, as the frame rotated and lifted into the truck's garage.

"Sometimes, sorry isn't good enough."

* * *

"There! Lyndon street!" Donnie exclaimed, April turned the party wagon quickly onto the street filled with mostly abandoned buildings. "1936…" he murmured, they all peered out the windows at the degrading buildings. Only one had a vehicle near it, and when Don looked at the curb, he saw the faded numbers. "There! That's the one!" he declared, feeling hope flutter in his chest. Someone was here, there was a car here, that someone might be the person who had Raph! It was daytime, but that didn't matter as they made to exit the vehicle, and then it happened. A large delivery truck pulled out of the garage, and the car in the driveway followed it. Terror gripped him.

"No, NO!" Leo screamed, "i bet everything that they're packing up and moving, we were almost too late, follow them!" April was already speeding after them, she saw the person in the car check his rear view mirrors and then flash his lights, both the truck and the car sped up. If someone had told Donatello a year ago that he would be in a high speed car chase through the abandoned part of Nashville Tennessee, trying to catch up to a man whose name meant both optimistic, and blood, because they had bought Raphael from the kraang who had returned and were in Chicago, after they all believe their brother to be dead for nearly a month, he would have busted up laughing and posted it on his comedy blog.

"Ah man." Mikey whimpered, grabbing Donnie's arm and hugging it. "Is Raph in that truck? He's gotta be in that Truck, Donnie!" Don didn't know, but he felt in his heart that they were closer to Raphael than they had been this entire time.

"Yeah, I think he is." Don whispered, hating building the hopes up. But it just made sense, though he was slightly offended that the bad guys had commandeered a doritos truck for the transport. Doritos were delicious. He shook his head, focus Donnie. The van jerked as April turned down a street after the truck, her eyes were narrowed and focused intently on the vehicle ahead of her, and time seemed to slip away.

They followed the truck onto another deserted highway, soon passing into Arkansas. The truck had to run out of gas soon, but then again...Don glanced at their fuel gauge and sighed in relief, they were somehow still half full, and then he remembered that they had filled it up as they entered Nashville. But how long could they drive like this without a police officer finding them and pulling one of them over? Donatello had no idea, but he wanted this to end now. He wanted his brother back today. Suddenly, the truck turned onto a small dirt road that had before, passed under Donatello's eye and April didn't have time to slow down to turn as well, and went shooting past the opening. She cursed under her breath and slammed on the brakes, everyone flew forward. By the time she had turned around and was on the dirt road as well, the truck was just a cloud of dust, fading out of sight.

* * *

It moaned, swaying with the movements of the truck. And then the truck stopped. It blinked, trying to decide what exactly was going on, when the doors of the truck opened to reveal an underground bunker like place, similar to the last one. It didn't quite make sense of anything, but It knew they were here.

"It's sorry." It mumbled deliriously as the humans came and moved him into a lab. "It's sorry." It was vertical today, odd. Blood still flowed from It's wounds, draining down It's battered legs and dripping onto the concrete floor. Sanguine stood back, inspecting It, for a moment. Then he reached up and pulled the scalpel from where it was still imbedded in It's stomach, and It gasped in pain as blood flowed from there as well.

"Lets see, it seems we had a pursuer today." Sanguine murmured, "the other turtles couldn't possibly be coming to us, could they?" It blinked, other turtles…? It seemed to remember other turtles, but the memories slipped away as soon as It remembered them. 93805 whimpered and closed Its eyes, wishing only to be dead so that nothing else could hurt It. It felt the sensation of the wounds being stitched shut, but didn't open It's eyes. It was too exhausted and worn out to even scream, as though It's vocal chords had finally snapped. "Well, i believe i have some tests to run." It's eyes opened in slight worry, It didn't enjoy tests all that much. "You see, 93805, i want to find out if you are able to breed, and that will take time and not much pain. So, if you don't mind…" It's eyes widened at the sight of the needle in his hands, and It tried to shrink away, but It was completely immobilized, and Sanguine plunged the needle into his neck, pushing down the plunger before It could react. It tried not to scream, because screaming was too painful, but 93805 could not help it as the pain ripped through Its body.

"Please! Please!" It pleaded through the screams, "It's So sorry!" but the scientist merely walked away, leaving It writhing in excruciating pain.

* * *

The road ended and they all stared at it. Where in the heck had that truck gone? They'd sped after it as soon as possible, but no roads split off and then it ended abruptly. Leo glanced at the sky as he massaged his stump gently, it was aching. The sun was just above the horizon, a light red with the sunset.

"What do we do now?" Mikey asked softly, Leo sighed, rubbing his temples, and then the freckle faced ninja spoke again, with a firmer voice, and Leo remembered that he was not the leader anymore. "We have to sleep, tomorrow we'll search for anywhere the truck could have gone, and if that doesn't work we can run the license plate number." he looked at each of them gently yet firmly. "But we need to keep up our strength, who wants banana bread?" they smiled weakly and April joined them in the back of the van as Mikey pulled out the loaves and began slicing them.

"How do we know that's even the right truck?" Leo forced himself to ask, no one spoke for a moment.

"You couldn't feel it?" April finally asked, looking up at them in pain. "He was there, i could sense him. But Leo...even his aura isn't the same anymore." she hugged her knees and looked away. "I could feel what he felt, just for a moment, he's completely alone, Leo. i don't even know if he still has his memory!" the teen burst into tears and Don put a gentle arm around her, looking as upset as Leo felt. Mikey however, smiled bracingly.

"At least we know we have the right truck." he offered, "if we can't find it we can still run the license plate number." they all nodded sullenly, and Mikey held out slices of bread. "No butter, but who needs butter on banana bread?" he fell silent, and the others remained so. Leo couldn't get the thought of his brother out of his head, poor Raph. they'd thought Raphael was dead for nearly four weeks, and it had almost been another one since they started the planning. They had been so close, if they had just gotten to that building sooner they would have him back, no matter the condition. And the last thing Leo had seen of his brother was the smoky, nearly faded, astral form, since that he hadn't felt his brother's aura at all. The form had been so weak, usually injured people could still move and talk in the astral plane, but Raphael hadn't been able to. He had just laid there, and had barely been able to speak. And Leo was afraid that there had been damage wrought to his brothers spirit and soul, and he didn't know how they could fix it if that were the case. He didn't understand why this had happened, but things had been off since that night of course, but even that entire day, before they left on patrol, it had felt wrong. Off. and Leo couldn't describe his guilt at not having picked up on the dread.

* * *

It was a slow process. Mikey and Donnie walked along the sides of the road while Leo joined April in the front seat, they traveled ever so slowly up the dirt road, eyes watchful for anything to show where their brother and his captor had disappeared to. Donatello squinted, holding a hand over his eyes as he paused, scanning the surrounding area. A large patch of flattened grass caught his eye.

"Guys, wait." he said, walking through the tall grass to the spot, noticing that, coming from the other direction, it looked as if a vehicle had driven to the flat spot and simply vanished. Mikey walked around the van to watch him and they all held their breath, Don walked into the patch of grass, and found that he looked to be waist deep in the earth. It was a ramp. "Guys!" he said in excitement, waving his hand through the hologram, "for one thing, this could very well be the very first hologram made by humans!"

"That's nice." Leo muttered as April drove into the grass, Don clambered into the party wagon and Mikey followed, he hit the stealth button on the roof of the van and April took a deep breath, slowly driving the vehicle into the hidden bunker. His eyes fell on the doritos truck that was there, it was the same one.

"Alright ninja, let's go." Mikey whispered, april stopped the vehicle.

"I'll stay here." Leo offered, they all shook their heads.

"I will, Leo, you go find Raph." April declared, "you'll need a getaway driver." Leo hesitated, then nodded, reattaching his prosthetic leg, Don reminded himself to look up a more comfortable option, and they climbed out of the vehicle. The paused, not sure where to go, when Mikey looked at them and smiled.

"My gut says this way." his eyes teased Leo and Leo waved a hand, but they followed their baby brother down a dim hallway. Don wrinkled his nose in disgust and anger. If they were torturing anything in this kind of environment, it was going to be infected. No, not an it, Raph. he shuddered and they all seemed to pick up the pace at the same moment. And then they heard the screams.

All three of the turtles froze upon hearing that familiar voice, which didn't sound like their brother at all. The screaming didn't have words or direction, just an unearthly shriek. It sent shivers down Donatello's shell, and they continued toward the screams, running as fast as they could while still being somewhat stealthy, Leo fell a bit behind.

"Raph." Don murmured under his breath as they approached a doorway from where the screams were obviously coming from. Michelangelo took no hesitation in slamming his shoulder into the door, and the rusted hinges fell away easily with a bang, the screams grew louder with no barrier between them. The three turtles hurried inside and stopped, horrified, at what they saw. On the very far side of the room, in what looked like a lab, a man was working with his back to the door, and to Raphael. Their brother was on a large metal frame that pulled him completely immobilized and tight, horizontal to the floor, and his screams had no reason, Don wondered what could be making his brother scream like that, but it was out of his mind as soon as he realized who the man was. It must be the man doing this.

All three of them moved at the same time, rushing somewhat silently through the large room, and within moments Mikey had the man pinned by his neck against the wall. The man's steely eyes were wide in surprise.

"More," he muttered under his breath. "I knew there were more!" he looked triumphant, MIkey growled and tightened his hold. "What fascinating creatures you are, too, and such a diversity from-" a sickening squelch echoed in the room as Mikey buried his kusarigama in the man's right shoulder, he yelped in pain.

"Shut up!" Mikey snarled, Don paused, realizing that the screams had suddenly stopped. He and Leo both ran over to the metal frame, where Raphael was hanging listlessly in the restraints, breath shuddering in unconscious sobs. "You did this to my brother! My brother!"

"You are not humans." the man's icy voice said, Don imagined him shrugging. "Even 93805 has accepted this fact." there was a moment of silence and Leo and Don both turned, infuriated. Mikey's eyes narrowed.

"My brother's name is Raphael." he snarled, and ripped the blade of his weapon through the man's throat, cutting of the agonized scream instantly, and Dr. Sanguine fell to the floor, dead. Now Donatello inspected the restraints holding Raph up, and found they were remote controlled. Mikey held up a small black device he had pulled from Sanguines pocket, and pressed a button. Don barely had time to catch Raphael before he fell to the ground, and was terrified by how light his brother was. But he was alive, Raphael was alive. Tears of joy and deep sadness fell from his eyes at the same time as he cradled the green eyed turtle, sobbing. He was really alive, he couldn't believe it.

"We need to get out of here." Leo's voice was pained as he looked at Raph, and Don stood again, carrying Raphael easily bridal style. They all exited the room, the rest of the bunker was deserted. April was waiting and gasped in pain as they lay Raph gently on the floor. As she drove out of the bunker, and toward home, Donatello finally had time to examine his brother's injuries.

Two nearly identical wounds ran down both of his thighs, they and every other one on Raph's body were infected. Many other small cuts and slashes covered his jade green skin. A painful looking stab wound had been stitched shut in his stomach, and numbers were carved into the dull yellow of Raphael's plastron. 93805. Don shuddered, that's what the scientist had called his brother, and he didn't want to know what he meant by the fact that Raph had learned it for himself, that they were not humans.

"We're taking you home, Raph." he whispered, though he doubted Raphael could hear him. "You're coming home."

* * *

 _ **There we go. Just wait 'till next chapter though, the angst is everywhere. Thanks for reading and please review!**_

 _ **Until Tuesday,**_

 _ **-C.J.L.**_


	9. Without Pain

_**Hello everyone! On this pleasant Tuesday, I am feeling fairly well - though it is rough that's just my life lol. I think y'all are gonna like this chapter! MWAHAHA!**_

 _ **To Only Hope No Fear: awe, you'll see this chapter! It's a small while after the last one - but I think you'll like it. *evil laughter***_

 _ **To A Very Kind Guest Reviewer: ! Thanks for reviewing! Your review came right when I wasn't feeling great about myself and kinda helped! I'm sorry I made you almost cry 0-0 I hope you like this chapter!**_

 _ **WARNINGS: dehumanization, paranoia, mentions of torture, mentions of violence/amputations, near-Panic attack kinda thing**_

 _ **Disclaimer: I don't own TMNT!**_

 _ **And now, the chapter!**_

* * *

Something was wrong. It tensed, feeling skin contact on his limbs and chest. What was going on? Wait, was 93805 making contact with Itself? That couldn't be right, It felt like It was burning yet freezing at the same time, and It felt claustrophobic with its own limbs pressing against It. Hesitant, It attempted to move the limbs, and breathed a sigh of relief and felt a thrill of terror when they moved freely. It spread them out, not touching any part of Itself. As It grew more conscious, It heard strange voices around him.

"What is he doing?" It started to shake, why wasn't he hurting? What was going on, why was it suddenly different? It wasn't allowed to have new situations, it was an experiment!

"I don't know," another whispered, "his heart rate is speeding up!" It felt a sudden presence beside him and tensed, knowing the pain was coming. In a way, It was relieved, It hadn't enjoyed that new form of torture. It didn't know whether It should open his eyes or not. "Raph? Why is his heart rate going down, now?" Its eyes shot open. It knew that word, it should know that word, Raph. more than one face was above It this time, three. They weren't humans, what were they? It knew them! It should remember them! It searched its muddled memories and one word came to mind. Brothers, It had brothers. How could that be? Experiments didn't have families, right?

"Raph? Can you hear us?" one asked, he was watching It with worry. 93805 felt Its breath catch painfully. Raph, It knew that word! Where did It know that word? A three-fingered hand fell on its shoulder and It instantly flinched, though didn't attempt to shrink away, having forgotten It could move.

"It's sorry." the whisper barely came out and It realized that its throat was not as dry as parchment, and Its lips were not cracked. What was happening? The three brothers exchanged glances.

"What's sorry?" another asked, he had darker eyes than the other two did. It frowned, not understanding. The scientist had known what he meant, why didn't the brothers?

"It." It repeated, confused, thinking for a different word. "93805. It's so sorry!" now It scooted a bit away from the contact, and the brother's mouths had dropped open in shock.

"Raph, you don't have to be sorry!" one who hadn't spoken yet burst out, electric eyes wide. "I mean, you've been asleep for almost a week and a half! We were surprised when you started moving!" It understood the word 'you', but knew he should know what Raph meant. But It just stared at them, not comprehending. Finally, It decided to ask would not hurt It.

"What does Raph mean?" the effect was instantaneous, and Its hands flew up to cover Its face when the brothers all clenched their fists and jumped to their feet, obviously either angry and shocked.

"It's sorry!" he said immediately, "It just wanted to know!" when It lowered Its hands the brothers had seemed to get over their anger, so maybe they had been shocked?

"It's alright." the dark-eyed one said softly. "But, Raph is your name. You are Raphael, not it." It blinked, tumbling this knowledge around in Its head. As if a dam had burst, tears welled up in Its eyes.

"D-D-Donnie?" It breathed quickly in relief, a smile spreading on Its face. "Mikey, Leo." the brother's faces lit up.

"You remember us?" Mikey squealed, hugging it tightly, It didn't even realize It had screamed until Michelangelo jerked away, eyes wide. "Did I hurt you, shell I'm sorry!" It took a calming breath and looked around itself, seeing that It was in Donatello's lab.

"H-how...how did It get here?" It asked, looking at them anxiously, feeling dread hit him, "Sanguine, he's- he's going to hurt It!"

"Raph, calm down!" Leo said in a commanding tone, "we found you. We killed Sanguine." It blinked, then its eyes widened.

"He's dead? The scientist is dead?" a smile split across Its face. Leo nodded, while Mikey's face looked haunted, the smile faded. "It...is It really a brother?" they glanced at each other.

"Raph, you aren't an it," Don stated firmly, looking into his eyes. "You are Raphael, our brother, you don't have a number, you are a person."

"It is an experiment." It said in confusion, "but, It knows you...I...know you?" It blinked, tears springing to Its eyes, It didn't know why. "I? I am your brother?" he laughed, the sound filling him with peace. "I am...I am Raphael!" the brothers looked both overjoyed and greatly saddened as he discovered this, and It- no, _Raph,_ laughed again. He remembered now, his time with Sanguine was not all of his existence, after all, it relieved him greatly.

"So, do you hurt or ache anywhere Raph?" Don asked briskly, going into doctor mode, Raph frowned, sending his senses out through his body. He didn't hurt, it felt so strange to not hurt.

"No, Donnie why don't I hurt?" he begged, relishing in the thought. He, not It, not 93805, he, Raphael. He was a person, but the pain wasn't there.

"That's good." Don pressed, "you don't have to be hurting, Raph." Raph nodded uncertainly and pushed himself up on his elbows, his eyes were drawn to one thing.

"LEO!" he screamed the other turtle's name, "They took your legs! They took your legs! Why did they take your legs?" he collapsed and clamped his eyes shut. "It's a dream, It's just having a dream!"

"Raph! Raph, calm down!" Don commanded, "Leo's fine, really, he's had that prosthetic for almost a month now." his breathing finally slowed and he felt himself stop shaking.

"Leo's ok?" he breathed, opening his eyes again and peering at the leader in blue, he nodded, smiling a bit.

"I'm fine, really, Raph, but you gave us quite a scare when you disappeared, I'm just impressed you managed to contact me in the astral plane." Raph blinked, had he? He vaguely remembered now, smoky images, but he'd assumed it was a dream. "If you hadn't...we'd still think you had died in that fire."

"Raph, can I ask you a question?" Mikey asked. Raph nodded slowly. "Why are you spreading yourself out like that? The cot isn't that big, bro." Raph didn't answer. How was he to explain that he was afraid of feeling his own skin touch itself? So, he remained silent. "Raph, please tell me." it was the presence of the word please that made it so Raphael could control himself from flinching again, though he knew his brothers would not harm him on purpose. He remained silent, though couldn't help darting his gaze rapidly from one brother to the other, just in case.

"I think," Don stated, addressing Mikey though he was watching Raph. "that Raphael was on that metal frame in the restraints for a very long time." Raphael felt himself shudder and clamped his eyes shut. Mikey didn't reply, and Raphael felt them all watching him.

"Stop it!" he cried, finally reaching up and covering his face, wincing as he felt the skin on his face. "stop staring at me! I'm not an experiment anymore! Please!" a sob wracked his body and he curled into a ball, suddenly wanting the comfort of contact, though it was as claustrophobic as ever, and he still felt as though he was on fire in an ice storm.

"I think we should give him some space." Donatello's voice said, Raph heard the three of them stand, and listened to two pairs of footsteps walk away, one with a louder fall every other step. Donnie was still beside him. "You're safe, Raph." he whispered, "remember you're safe." Raph just sobbed again, uncovering his face to look at his brother. Donatello was looking at him with such sadness that he momentarily hated himself for putting them through this, but that faded quickly as the sobs grew louder.

"Donnie!" he sobbed, just his brothers' name, and Donatello knelt beside him, stroking a gentle hand up and down his arm, hesitantly at first, but when Raphael found he didn't hate the contact immediately Don's hand grew slightly firmer.

"It's ok, I promise it's going to be ok," he whispered, Raph didn't know how many times, but then he was asleep.

* * *

Leo sat on the couch, staring at the floor, feeling himself shake with anger. What had those monsters done to his brother? How had they broken him like that? He hated it, he hated seeing Raphael reduced to this, afraid to let his own limbs brush against each other, and having not understood who he was. Watching the understanding flow into his brother's dull colored eyes had made Leo want to weep, and gather Raph in his arms, hugging him until everything was back to normal. But nothing would ever be back to normal. He stared at the prosthetic leg, a new one with a knee, that Donnie had made him. Raph had been so terrified when he saw it, he'd somehow thought that the human scientists had taken it away.

Mikey sat beside his brother, putting a hand on his shoulder. Leo looked over at him and studied Mikey's face. He seemed wearier, paler, and gaunt. They hadn't spoken about leadership again, and they hadn't mentioned that Mikey had been the one to kill Sanguine. Leo didn't know how to address it, and he wondered what Mikey wanted. Did he want to lead still? Leo knew he couldn't with his leg, and definitely not Raphael, at least for now, and that left Mikey and Donnie. It made his heart ache to know that Leo was not going to lead his brothers again, but you never knew, something remarkable might happen.

"I don't know what to do." Mikey suddenly said, looking pleadingly into his brother's eyes, "Leo, what do I do? You were the leader before I was, and Raph doesn't know we switched, how do I talk to him? How do I handle this…?" his voice broke and Mikey fell into Leo's now open arms.

"I don't know either, Mikey, nothing like this has ever…" he didn't finish the sentence, just held the sobbing young mutant in his arms, "you're alright, Mikey. You're going to be ok." he breathed, rubbing circles on Mikey's shell, hearing the distant sobbing from the lab. "We can do this together, you don't need to be alone."

"That's how you always acted." Mikey complained, "and you got on just fine." Leo snorted.

"I'm the one missing a leg, Mikey." he reminded the younger ninja, Mikey giggled a bit, and then sighed sadly, sitting back and pulling his legs up to hug his knees.

"Leo...how do you bear it?" he asked, looking at his brother. Leo frowned.

"How do I bear what?" he asked. Because Mikey could be talking about anything, really. The electric eyed turtle bit his lip before bursting out.

"How do you bear that you've killed someone? I can't sleep at night without reliving it over and over and over." he sobbed, "I don't wanna kill anyone, Leo! But I did, I killed two people! I shouldn't have killed them!" Leo felt his heartbreak.

"Mikey, I know." he whispered, "their lifeless bodies are burned into your eyelids, you can't even blink without remembering, you wake up sweating in the night after feeling the pain you inflicted on them, I know, Mikey. Just because I'd always known we had to kill Shredder doesn't mean I didn't feel the repercussions." Mikey looked up at Leo with wide blue eyes and then leaned on him, sighing contentedly as the two brothers thoughts turned to Raphael, who had stopped sobbing in the other room. They both wanted him to get better but weren't quite sure how better Raph could get. When he'd awoken, he had referred to himself in the third person, calling himself 'it', and had seemed surprised, though ecstatic, to find that he was not simply an experiment. And then he had been upset when he felt as if he was one again, it was very odd, and Leo was afraid that his younger brother would never truly recover, but as he had said just before, amazing things might happen.

* * *

"Raph, are you awake? We have visitors." Raphael blinked slowly, momentarily confused, and then he remembered and almost started sobbing in relief. He was home, he was safe, his brothers were alright.

"Donnie?" he questioned, sitting up slightly, gingerly. His entire body felt fragile, now that it was freed from the restraints, and he still felt claustrophobic without the pain and the immobility.

"Yeah, it's me," Don said from behind Raph, making him jump. "You slept for another three days, but your fever is broken, the infection is nearly gone." fever? Raph frowned. He didn't feel as if he was burning anymore, and it wasn't cold, that must have been the fever.

"Guests?" he asked, suddenly anxious.

"Yeah, come on in guys, he's up!" Don called out the lab door. Leo and Mikey entered first, smiling, and right with them were two figures that made Raphael's entire body tense, and he let out a small shriek. Everyone jumped.

"Raph?" Mikey asked, worried.

"No!" Raph insisted to himself, pushing the cot away from the doorway with his legs, "It's sorry! It's sorry!" he saw the brothers exchanged horrified glances as he spoke in the third person again.

"Raph, what's wrong?" Don asked, kneeling beside him and grabbing the cot to stabilize it. "Tell me, please?"

"It's sorry!" Raph insisted again, clamping his eyes shut.

"Raph, please." April said, "what's wrong?"

"No! I won't talk to you!" Raph declared, shaking and rocking back and forth, hands clamped over his ear slits. "Please don't hurt it!" Don looked up at his brothers and the two humans in distress.

"Maybe you should go, I'll try and calm him down," he whispered, Raph heard the footsteps leave and slowly stopped the rocking.

"They're gone?" he whispered, not opening his eyes.

"Yeah, but what happened?" Don asked, "Raphael, they're our friends and brothers, what was going on?" Raphael's eyes snapped open and he stared into Donatello's eyes, obviously terrified and upset.

"Humans are not friends." he whispered, "are they gone, Donnie, are the humans gone?" Donatello's mouth had dropped open, and he nodded slowly.

"Yes, Raph. April and Casey are not in the lab." he promised, "they won't come in until you're ready."

"Humans aren't friends," Raph whispered, pulling his feet onto the cot to sit cross-legged. "Not my friends." Donatello just nodded sadly, he understood, though it made him sad.

"Can I check your wounds?" he asked softly, "I need to make sure you aren't infected, and that you didn't tear your stitches." Raphael hesitated, then nodded, glancing down at his chest, at the numbers scarred into it.

"No needles," he whispered, to Donatello's confusion, but nodded anyway. Donnie got up to get his stuff and Raph watched him walk away, surprisingly calm after having just had a panic attack, Mikey poked his head in.

"So, is Raph calm now? Can April and Casey come in?"

"NO!" Raph said loudly over Donatello's response. Don gave him a slightly exasperated look and shrugged helplessly at Mikey, who nodded and walked away. Raph felt shivers run down his shell, as if freezing five-fingered hands were stroking his skin, and folded his legs up to his chest, breathing in deeply. It was ok, Sanguine was dead, he was home. It was ok. But the sensation wouldn't fade, instead was just joined by the feeling of hundreds of tiny creatures crawling over Raphael's shell and skin. When Donnie turned back to Raph with the small bottle of antibiotic ointment in hand, matching rivers of tears were flowing down his face, eyes screwed tightly shut, and lips pursed together while his entire body shook. Worry filled the genius turtle and he knelt beside the green eyes terrapin.

"Raph, look at me?" Raphael seemed to hesitate, then opened his eyes wearily. "What hurts?"

"The bugs." his brother whispered, face tight with fear. "I can't stop them, I can't do anything, I can't stop the humans and I can't stop the bugs. What kind of ninja am I?" he fell silent.

The rest of the day, Donatello spoke to Raph and pleaded with him, bribing him, but Raph refused to speak another word.

* * *

 _ **MWAHAHAHAH! I am not sorry. The rest of this story is recovery…. And some dangerous plot twists! Only six chapters left! 0-0 wow, that went fast. I have no clue what my next Fic will be yet! AAAAA! Lol sorry XD.**_

 _ **Another important NOTE! We just got some not-great information about my foster sibling's court case. Basically, their abusive mom may be able to try and get them back. Hopefully, it won't get very far, but yeah. I may miss a few posting dates depending on what's up over here.**_

 _ **Thanks for understanding! Thanks for reading and please review!**_

 _ **Until Friday,**_

 _ **-C.J.L.**_


	10. Without Might

_**Hey you guys! Feeling okay today - not great but not horrible. I cut my hair, which is awesome! This chapter is pretty intense. 3 3**_

 _ **To Only Hope No Fear: Haha what do you mean 'good chapter'? There are no good chapters! MWAHAHAHA! Thanks for wishing us luck… we'll see how it goes.**_

 _ **WARNINGS: slight dehumanization, mentions of death, mentions of PTSD, flashbacks to torture, paranoia**_

 _ **Disclaimer: I don't own TMNT**_

 _ **And now, the chapter!**_

* * *

"How long was it- I gone?" Raphael corrected himself quickly, Mikey didn't seem to notice, but he hesitated. "Mike?" the youngest turtle let out a slow breath.

"Around five weeks, and you didn't wake up until the middle of week six." Raph frowned, trying to do the math.

"And Leo can already walk and run?" he asked, surprised, Mikey smiled a bit.

"Yeah, he's been doing totally awesome! Donnie's really impressed with his progress." he declared, leaning on the edge of the couch, which Raphael was seated on with a blanket over his thin legs. He'd had trouble walking and using his arms because they'd been immobile for nearly a month, after the one time he had been taken off the frame, it was the only one. Raphael shuddered suddenly, remembering the days. "You're alright," Mikey said softly, Raph glanced at him. He looked pale and withdrawn, and Raph had noticed over the past two days that he seemed to speak up, almost take charge.

"What's up with you?" he asked, Mikey frowned.

"What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean." Raph said, "you're different, what changed?"

"You're different too," Mikey said stubbornly, then sighed. "We don't know how to tell you, I dunno if you'll like it." Raph felt worry and fear grip him.

"Mikey?" anxiety crept into his voice, as he no longer tried to hide it behind gruffness and anger. "What happened?"

"Nothing bad!" Mikey promised, eyes wide, "just...Leo can't be the leader anymore, because of his leg, so...they decided I should. I dunno why, I feel horrible at it, but I guess me and Leo kinda work together, I dunno." he sighed, looking at the television screen, which was flickering black and white dots. Raph stared at him. Mikey? Lead? He had never expected that. Never wanted it. But he could tell that wasn't it, he frowned. He knew that look, that look he'd caught Leo wearing for split seconds after Splinter and Shredder were killed, it scared him to think what may have caused that look to appear on Michelangelo's face, and Raph pulled his legs up to his chest, closing his eyes.

"How did you find me, anyway? He...kept changing where he was, and I didn't even know if I was in this country or heck anymore, how did you find me?" he repeated the question, Mikey opened his mouth to respond but wavered. "Mike, please?" Mikey took a deep breath.

"We thought you were dead." Raph nodded, he knew that. He'd thought he was dead too, and for a few days he had been, he hadn't cared about himself at all and wanted to be dead. "And Leo and Donnie wanted revenge, and we went to find T-Tigerclaw." Mikey's voice cracked, but he composed himself quickly. "We got into kind of an argument because I didn't...I didn't think you wanted us to kill Tigerclaw." Raph was surprised, Mikey looked at him searchingly.

"Never thought about it." he replied uncomfortably, "I wouldn't want you guys to get hurt trying to avenge my death, but I see where you were coming from."

"Anyway," Mikey blew out a breath. "I found Tigerclaw, on accident, the Kraang paralyzed him with powder, he was dying anyway. And I got mad because I thought he killed you. I got really really mad, and I...I…." his shoulders shook and he buried his face in his hands. "I killed him, Raphie, I killed him!" Raph felt torn between reaching out and putting a hand on Mikey's shoulder, or simply speaking comfort because while he had finally become accustomed to touching himself, contact from others still made shivers run down his shell. Finally, brotherly instinct won and he gently touched Mikey's freckled arm. Mikey looked at him in surprise.

"It's alright Mikey, it's ok." he whispered, "like you said, if he was dying any way you might have been doing the old cat a favor." Mikey blinked as if he hadn't thought of that before, and then his face split into a grin.

"Thanks, Raph," he said gratefully, then looked at his knees. "But...I killed someone else too, and I hate it!" Raph was shocked, Mikey, sweet innocent Mikey, had killed more than once? Raphael hadn't even killed a person in his life yet!

"Who?"

"Sanguine." Mikey gasped, looking up at Raph with tears in his eyes as Raphael flinched at the word. "I killed him when we ran into that room and you were screaming, and he was just sitting in his lab doing his work, I got so angry, and I killed him." Raph had no clue what to say, he hadn't wanted to know what happened when his brothers found him, he really hadn't. But it made him feel like he mattered to know that Michelangelo had been so furious, and that was something the turtle had not felt for a while.

"Thanks, Mikey." he said softly, then paused, "who killed the others?" Michelangelo looked at Raph questioningly, Raph felt a thrill of fear.

"The other what's?" he asked, looking worried. Raph felt himself start to shake. The others weren't dead, those three other humans could still be looking for him, they might find them!

"No, no no." he whispered, scrambling painfully away from Mikey, his wasted muscles aching already, "no! Please, tell me that's a joke, Mikey!"

"Raph, it's ok!" Mikey jumped to his feet, "what others? There were other scientists?" Raph felt tears well up in his eyes. He thought he was safe, he was safe! "Raph, tell me!"

" _You will tell me where they are." he snarled, walking back to Raph, "I know you will." he paused, twirling the scalpel in his fingers. "Let me see, where are turtles such as yourself most sensitive?"_

"NO!" he grabbed his head, feeling the hot tears run down his cheeks as he shook in fear. "NO! It's sorry! It's sorry!"

"Raph, stop, you're alright!" Mikey said in alarm, kneeling on the couch in front of his terrified brother, "what did I say?

"I won't tell you!" Raph cried, "I won't tell where the other turtles are!" Mikey froze, staring at his brother. Raphael's artichoke eyes were open now, and glassy, as if he were someplace else.

" _Tell me where they are." he hissed. "You do not yet know what pain I can conflict on you!" Raph refused to speak, it was the one thing he had left, control over what he said. He could not even control his eyes anymore, as they flooded tears. One would think he'd run out of moisture, being already dehydrated, but maybe the iv drip in his arm was supplying him the moisture he'd used to live this long. Obviously furious, Sanguine stalked back out of Raphael's line of sight, and Raph felt panic rush through him. What was the crazy person going to do? A cold hand gripped the inside of each thigh and shivers ran up and down Raph's body._

"No! It's sorry!" Raph pleaded, "Please stop! It's sorry! It's sorry It lied!" Mikey knew what was happening, Raph was having some kind of panic attack or flashback, Donnie and Leo were in the dojo doing physical therapy, but at Raphael's scream, Mikey heard them come running.

"Raph, it's ok!" he insisted, hugging Raph tightly, "You're home, you're home! I promise you're alright!" Leo and Donnie were coming in, eyes wide as they ran to see what was happening.

"No! Stop it!" Raphael's voice cracked, "It's sorry! It won't lie again!" he started sobbing, And Mikey held him tightly, feeling tears hit his own eyes. How could this have happened to Raph? Strong, angry, warrior Raph?

"What happened Mikey?"

"We were just talking, and then he started having a panic attack!" Mikey exclaimed, eyes wide, then winced, "I told him about me killing Sanguine, and he asked...who killed the others. That's when it started."

"Others?" Leo asked, eyes wide. "Other whats, scientists?" Mikey nodded as Raph screamed again, nearing the unearthly shriek they'd heard in the bunker.

"Raph, I got you!" Mikey cried, tears sliding down his freckled cheeks, "I have you! You're ok!" slowly, slowly, Raphael's sobbing started growing quieter, and he stopped shaking uncontrollably. Raph opened his eyes and peered up at Mikey in confusion.

"M-M-Mikey? Where…" he looked around and then collapsed into his brother's arms in relief.

"I got you," Mikey repeated softly. Leonardo and Donatello sat on the couch beside the two of them, looking stricken.

"Raph, it's alright, you're safe," Donnie promised, Raph took a shuddering breath.

"No, they're still out there." he whispered into Mikey's arms, "they're going to find me."

"Who?" Leo asked, not wanting the answer.

"The other three scientists, they want me back, I know it," Raph replied, trembling, Leo, Mikey, and Don looked at each other.

"We didn't see any other scientists in the bunker." Leo said, "and there was only the one truck, we didn't know there were others." Raph pulled away from Mikey, feeling the phantom hands examining him, feeling the stares, and hugged his legs again.

"They're out there." he whispered, "they're coming. I know it!" he choked back yet another cry of despair. "Humans are not friends."

* * *

"April! What are you doing here?" Donnie asked in a hushed voice, looking apologetic, "is something wrong?" April looked at him sadly.

"How's Raph? I want to see him, is he better about it now? My phone broke or I would have called." She replied, looking at the ground. "I mean, I helped rescue him, why doesn't he want to see me?"

"It's not you." Don promised, "he...doesn't like humans very much at the moment."

"Oh," she said softly, Don put a three-fingered hand on her shoulder. "That makes sense, I guess, but he needs to get over it eventually, right? How is he, at least?" Don bit his lip.

"Not that good, now that you ask," he admitted. "He had a panic attack yesterday when he found out we didn't kill the other scientists, but we never saw any others."

"oh," April said again, feeling her lip tremble. "I wish I could help him, Donnie! I want to be able to help you guys through this, but I don't want Raphael to hate me!" Don sighed.

"I know, April, but, whenever we try to talk about it he goes right back into his shell, and says the same thing over and over, either that or won't talk to us at all." April felt tears well up in her eyes and she threw her arms around the brown-eyed turtle's neck.

"I'm sorry, Donnie! I know I was being selfish by coming here!" she cried, "but I was just so worried about all, and I missed seeing you, and I was hoping I could see Raph, but I know it's a bad idea, I'm sorry Donnie."

"Donnie, where are you?" Leo's voice called, "I need some help with my leg." Don backed away from April, eyes kind.

"I can probably come to hang out later tonight, ok? Just let me get the OK from Mikey and let them know, I'll come around after sunset." he smiled sheepishly. "I miss hanging out with you and Casey too, but you better go before Raph hears you, he knows who you are and everything but…" he sighed. "He doesn't think humans, in general, can be trusted." April nodded, then smiled.

"See you tonight, Donnie!" she called as Donnie hurried into the lair to assist his brother with the newest prosthetic. April O'Neil sighed and turned to walk home. She missed when she could hang out with the guys, she missed training with them and going on patrol, she missed Raphael.

* * *

Raph dragged himself across the floor to the lab, panting heavily. Mikey and Leo were in the dojo, but he hadn't heard from Donnie for a while, and for some reason that worried the green eyed mutant. Raphael pulled himself to his feet with the wall and looked around the lab, it was empty.

"Donnie?" he called, voice weak, he hadn't tried to walk so far without help yet, and obviously hadn't been ready. "Donnie, where are you?" no reply, Raph felt fear hit him. What if Donnie was gone, what if they'd found him? "DONNIE!" Leo and Mikey came running, Raph heard the clunk of Leo's prosthetic leg, but he didn't care, he had to find Donnie.

"Raph, what are you doing?" Mikey demanded, supporting Raphael before he could fall.

"Where's Donnie?" Raph demanded, eyes wide in fear. "Where's Donatello?" they looked at each other.

"Oh, he went out for a bit." Mikey said, "he's fine, Raph, and we're here." Raph frowned, where would Donnie go? Either a junkyard, or to hang out with the humans…

"He's with them." he gasped, "I know it!" the mutant yanked away from his younger brother and consequently crashed to the floor, but he had adrenaline enough to drag himself toward the garage. "He's with the humans, Mikey!"

"Raph, calm down!" Mikey commanded, running over to kneel beside him. "Donnie's fine, he just went to hang out with April, and besides, she's not really human, if you think about it."

"Yes, she is!" Raph insisted, "five fingers, pale skin, she's a human, Mikey! And Human's aren't friends!" he pushed mikey away but the collapsed, gasping for breath, unable to go any farther. "It's not safe! Donnie needs to come back before they find him!"

"Raph, how would the scientists find him?" Mikey asked reasonably, "they were in Tennessee, or Arkansas, not New York, besides, April would never betray Donnie." Raph considered this, for the first time since he'd gotten back. Of course, he _knew_ April was a kraang/human sub-species, but she'd been raised by humans as a human, and to him that made her qualify. And as for the girl not betraying them, how could he be sure? After all, she'd accidentally almost killed Donatello before...he frowned deeper. But then again, that had been possession. Raphael himself had tried to kill his brothers under mind control. Shell, now his conscious hated his fear, pretty soon he'd be afraid of the fear itself.

"I _know_ she won't." he insisted, "but Donnie has to come home, Mikey, what if someone see shim? What if the scientists find him? They'll hurt him, Mikey!" he finally plucked up the energy to start dragging himself toward the exit again, "make him come home!"

"No, Raph, I won't." Mikey said, folding his arms. "If you want to get better, we need to stop coddling you, you're going to have to get used to the idea of us going topside, and that Casey and April are our friends, ok?"

"Humans aren't friends…" Raph protested weakly, but he knew Mikey was right. What was wrong with him? He knew in his mind and in his heart that there was nothing to fear, but the rest of him wouldn't listen.

"Raph, please." Leo begged from the doorway, "come watch a show with us or something?" Raph considered this, he would not cuddle, but he never really did before, that he remembered anyway.

"Maybe…." he sighed. "Do some stretching?" Mikey and Leo looked at each other in surprise. Just an hour earlier, to distract Raph from Donnie's departure, they had tried to convince him to come to the dojo and 'train', which they all knew would just be him stretching and regaining his full motor skills.

"Only if you promise you won't try to go bring Don back." Mikey said, hauling Raphael to his feet. Raph leaned heavily on him and nodded, face glum. They made their way slowly into the pit in front of the tv, and Leo put in one of Raphael's favorites, while Mikey positioned himself and helped Raph get ready to start stretching.

"Let's start with the simple ones." he said, Raph nodded, mouth in a hard determined line. He had to get back on his feet as soon as possible, if only to protect his brothers.

* * *

 _ **Welp, there's some of our Raphie-boy back! Five chapters left… and oh boy you're gonna hate me. It's all good. Still not sure what my next project will be - I'll probably have a poll next week. Anyway, yeah! Thanks for reading and please review!**_

 _ **Until next time,**_

 _ **-C.J.L.**_


	11. Without Deceit

_**TUESDAY! I think y'all are gonna like this chapter. Raph makes some progress… in some ways. Mwahahahaha!**_

 _ **To Only Hope No Fear: I will not… kill… Raphael… Cross my heart! :D**_

 _ **Warnings: dehumanization, paranoia, minor character death, PTSD, paranoia, etc.**_

 _ **Disclaimer: I don't own TMNT!**_

 _ **And now, enjoy!**_

* * *

 _The four scientists stood over It, watching with interest as It writhed in pain and agony, a scream tearing into Its throat. Sanguine, Dupree, and the two It didn't know the names of, one stepped forward and stroked her fingers along Its jawline._

" _Such a fascinating creature." She murmured, "Dr. Sanguine, are you sure that pain is the best method of gathering data? I am sure that it would be better if we treated It like an animal, instead of a sample in a petri dish?"_

" _What are you talking about, Eliza? You know very well my plans for 93805." Sanguine snapped, "and if you are not on board we may have to downsize this project." the woman narrowed her eyes as It hung limply, barely understanding what was happening, sobs shaking Its entire body._

" _You can't fire me, I can go right to the government about this scam, and then you'll be out of business and 93805 will be back in a sterile and safe environment!" she declared, placing a warm hand on Its leg, but even that faint contact made It shake in fear and anxiety._

" _Silly girl, I do not mean firing you." Sanguine rolled his eyes, "Dupree, Carlson, why Don't you show miss Eliza what I mean by downsizing?" screams that did not come from 93805 rang throughout the room and It shivered at the horrible sounds, immediately trying to forget what had just happened, mostly because It didn't fully understand, "such a shame, you were such a promising student. Carlson, dispose of the body please, I have work to take care of." a blade pierced Its skin and it felt itself shaking, making the injuries worse than they already were._

* * *

Raphael sat bolt upright, a scream having just escaped his esophagus, making Donatello nearly jump with fright. He blinked and remembered that he was at home, it was just a dream, just a memory. It surprised him, he hadn't remembered that, before.

"She's dead." Raph murmured, staring at Donnie, "they killed her because she was a good human." Don was watching his older brother with his mouth hanging open, utterly confused. "And Mikey killed him."

"What are you talking about, again?" Don asked, finally regaining his composure.

"The other scientist, the girl one, Eliza, they killed her because she was good." Raph stared at his hands. "some humans are good, Donnie?"

"Yes…" Don said slowly, knowing he was treading on dangerous ground. "Some humans are very good, and some are bad, and some just don't understand us. Why do you ask?"

"Like April and Casey? They are good humans." Raph said firmly, then his face darkened. "And Eliza didn't understand, so they killed her." he yawned sleepily, seeming to be very relieved, and lay back down on the cot. "Good night, Donnie." Don stared at his brother as he fell back into a presumably peaceful sleep, what the shell had Raphael been talking about? Don tried to make sense of his brother's slightly slurred sentences and then slapped his forehead.

Of course, the other scientists Raph had been talking about, one of them must have been this girl, Eliza, and...she had died. Because she somehow was better than they were, Don stared down at Raph as the jade-skinned turtle smiled a bit in his sleep, murmuring nonsense words. And, Raph had said April and Casey were good humans, the purple masked reptile couldn't help but hope his brother was making progress in that area, seeing as both of their human/humanoid friends were anxious to see Raphael again. Don smiled and ran out of the lab.

"Leo, Mikey!" he called, the two turtles in the pit looked up at him, worried.

"Don? What is it? What's wrong?" Mikey was on his feet instantly, Don smiled.

"Nothing, hope." he said, "just, Raph woke up with a nightmare, and then-"

"So, that's not bad?" Mikey butted in incredulously, Donnie rolled his eyes with a drawn-out sigh, he placed his hands on his hips.

"If you'll let me finish," he said, Mikey grinned sheepishly. "Then you'll know what I mean, Raph woke up, and the first thing he said was 'she's dead', and that 'they' killed her because she was a 'good human'." he quoted, then beamed at them. Mikey and Leo looked at each other.

"And, that's good because…"

"A," Don held up a finger, "it means there's at least one less scientist that knows who we are, and b, Raph and I had a chat about different humans, and he declared that Casey and April are, in fact, 'good humans'. Isn't that great? That's more progress than we've made so far!"

"Too bad he had to have a nightmare." Mikey said sadly, "is he ok? Where's Raph?"

"He went back to sleep." Don answered with a shrug, "I think he's still worn out, I'll let him sleep for a bit, what were you guys up to?" he sat on the couch beside his brothers and Mikey and Leo grinned mischievously at him.

* * *

Raphael slowly opened his eyes, thoughts swirling through his head. The lab was deserted, and he sat up gently before placing a hand on his chest to feel the bumpy scars. 93805. He could hardly believe that he'd thought that was himself, while in reality, it was, but he had lost all sense of identity. That terrified him. He frowned, staring around the lab. What he and Don had talked about earlier rang on his head, and he winced at the thought of how their human friends must feel when he said he didn't want to see them. The green-eyed turtles' eyes fell on Donatello's T-Phone, on the desk. He got gently to his feet and walked gingerly over to it, finding the contact list after typing in the password, which was 'mikeygoawayandstoptouchingmystuff' pretty easy to guess, and held the phone up to his ear, breathing heavily and leaning on the table for support. After a moment, she answered.

"Hello? Donnie?"

"April…" Raph gasped, out, feeling tears prick his eyes, he knew she was worried about him, but let his fear of humans tear him away.

"Raph!? What are you doing? Where's Donnie? what happened?" she was obviously panicked, Raph chuckled under his breath, then winced.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you." he said, April didn't reply, "I'm sorry."

"You don't have to be sorry, Raph." she finally said, "it's completely understandable that you don't want to be around humans, considering what you've been through. I can't believe we couldn't get to you in Tennessee before we caught up in Arkansas." Raph frowned.

"What do you mean? Didn't you find me in Arkansas?"

"Well, we were about to go into the place in Tennessee when they left, with you, and I could sense you, so I followed them. It was terrifying."

"You were there?" Raph asked, surprised. He hadn't thought of the possibility of April having helped save him, and now he felt even worse.

"Well, yeah, I stayed in the Party Wagon while the guys went to find you, so we had a quick getaway if we needed one, which we did. You could have died, Raph, it's a good thing Don brought some stuff with him or you'd have been toast." Raph didn't know what to say. He didn't think he'd been that close to death, and for some reason he hadn't thought about the travel, they'd had to book it home in the stupid van to save Raph's life, and seeing as April was the only human there she must have done all the driving, he smiled a bit.

"So, April, how's Casey doing?" he asked, wishing he could talk to his friend as well.

"Oh, he's doing alright, he's still upset he can't see you though."

"Oh, yeah, well, maybe you guys could come over later today?" Raph suggested slowly, "I think I can handle it, as long as you don't stick needles in me or anything." April laughed.

"It's a deal." April agreed, "but I have to go, Raph, we'll see you guys later ok?"

"Ok." Raph agreed, "bye." she hung up and he replaced the phone on Donnie's desk.

"Hey, Raph?" Don poked his head in, "you awa- Raph! What are you doing?"

"Looking for Advil." Raph lied, "I think your antibiotic stuff's wearing off and I'm as sore as shell." he picked up the bottle, "what did you want, Don?"

"Oh, me and the others are going into the dojo, wanna come stretch?" Raph considered this, he swallowed the Advil and shook his head, grimacing.

"No, no thanks, Don. I don't think I want to go in the dojo." he could see Donatello's surprise and added, "I'll be fine with the remote, but I might need a walking assist." Don complied, wrapping an arm around Raphael's shell and helping him out to the pit, where he handed the green-eyed turtle a remote.

"Alright, holler if you need me alright?" he said, "but not too loud, your throat is still recovering," he added, Raph nodded, smiling.

"I can tell, have fun training," he said, watching Donatello go into the dojo, where he could hear Mikey's and Leo's voices already. The usually hot-headed turtle sighed, sitting with one leg horizontal on the couch, bent at the knee so his foot touched his other thigh, and one in a regular sitting position. With a grimace, Raph traced the line of his scars down his legs, shuddering. The infection was gone, but the scars would never be. He looked up at the tv set and turned it on, settling back and trying not to dwell on the past.

* * *

A warm hand landed on his shoulder and Raphael yelped, falling off the couch. Casey snorted, sitting back.

"Wow, nice to see you too, Raph," he said sarcastically, Raph's eye twitched. The green eyes turtle forced himself to sit up and clamber back onto the couch.

"Hey guys." he greeted, looking at their feet instead of their faces, "the other's are in the dojo training right now…" he tried not to feel terrified when he finally looked the humans in the eyes. Their eyes weren't cold like Sanguines were, theirs were more like his brothers, but they still sent invisible shivers down his shell. He had to do this, he told himself, he had to get used to them because they were family. April seated herself next to Casey and smiled at Raph.

"Oh Raph, you look so much better than you did!" she exclaimed, "but…" she hesitated as her gaze skated over Raphael's dull artichoke eyes. "Sorry, I just wish this hadn't happened to you." Raph looked away, to the tv where the news was covering a car crash.

"You and me both, sister," he said softly, eyes alighting on the dead man paramedics were trying to bring back to life. Before he knew it a short scream escaped his lips.

"What is it, Raph?" April asked, holding out a hand in surprise, Raph stared at the screen still, staring at the face he'd learned so well. It was another of those scientists, it had to be, sure enough, the name Eli Carlson lit the screen. Another of them was dead.

"He's dead too." he whispered, "April, just one left, do you understand, though?" he stared at them in horror now, eyes wide and muscles tight in fear. "They were coming to New York, they were coming to find me!" Raphael's breathing started coming in ragged gasps, as he heard footsteps running out of the dojo toward him, summoned by his scream.

"April, Casey? Why are you here?" Mikey demanded, "I mean, I like you guys, but I thought we went over this!"

"You didn't know we were coming?" April asked incredulously, while Raphael's eyes stared blankly at the screen, which had since shifted to an interview at some kind of farmers market. "You weren't the ones who told Raph to call and apologize?" everyone's gaze fell on Raph, who tensed.

"Stop looking at me." he whispered, "I...I'm not an experiment, they're dead they're dead!" he insisted to himself, pulling up his knees and hugging them. "They're dead!"

"Raph, what's wrong?" April put a hand on his shoulder and he gasped involuntarily, shuddering away.

"I never said you could touch me!" Raph cried, swatting her hand away, he buried his face in his knees. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I can't do this!"

"Raph, we're sorry we were staring at you." Mikey promised, "we didn't know you called April and told her to come over, why didn't you let us know?"

"I forgot."

"Ok…" Mikey said, sitting next to him comfortingly, "then why are you upset? If April and Casey aren't the reason, then what is?"

"They were looking for me!" Raph cried, jerking his head up to look at his family. "That man on the news, who got in a car crash? He's looking for me! They were going to find me!" the others looked at each other uneasily. If that was true, and Mikey had a feeling it was, then it meant those other two scientists had somehow either known they were in New York, or it was a complete and terrifying coincidence.

"We won't let anyone hurt you again." Donatello promised, "we swear, Raph. besides, once you're back on your feet you'll be stronger than ever." Raph nodded absently, unconsciously tracing one of the numbers on his plastron.

"I know." he whispered finally, "but they might find you." he shook his head helplessly and buried his face in his knees. "They can't, they just can't, Mikey, I didn't tell them we live in new york. I didn't!" he punched a fist down into the cushion of the bench.

"They knew about us?" Mikey asked. Raph felt tears roll out of his eyes and onto his legs.

"They found out." he whispered, "they wanted to know if there was and…" he started shaking. Mikey hugged him gently.

"It's ok, Raph, they were torturing you, I'm impressed you didn't tell them we lived in new york!" these words felt like a stab in the heart. Raph looked up at them all desperately.

"Do you really think I would betray you?" he asked, obviously in pain, Mikey mentally cursed himself for that sentence. "Do you guys really think I'm weak enough to betray you?" his voice cracked, "you know why I freak out whenever you press for information? You know why? Because if I didn't tell them anything they'd hurt me!" his voice rose and he was practically crying. "I can't believe you think I'd betray you!" Raphael stumbled off the couch and ran at a lurching gait toward the bedrooms.

"Raph, wait!" Mikey cried, lunging after him. Don caught his arm sadly.

"I think he needs some space." he said softly, "let him go." Raph made it to his bedroom, which he hadn't entered since he got home, and closed the door behind him. The others sat in silence for a moment, and then Leo sighed, holding his head in his hands as his elbows leaned on his knees.

"We are idiots." he sighed. They all murmured agreements and Mikey chuckled.

"Yeah, we are." he agreed, then looked at April. "He called you? When did he call you?"

"Just about an hour ago." She replied softly, they all looked at each other. Don laughed to himself.

"I knew he was doing something other than looking for Advil! But I knew he might freak out if I asked about it so...sorry we got annoyed at you before."

"It's ok." April said, "I thought one of you guys told him to apologize, and he invited us over." they all shook their heads.

"I didn't expect him to, at all." Don replied, "only this morning he decided that you and Casey might be trustworthy." they fell silent again, and Casey suddenly got to his feet, obviously agitated.

"Those creeps!" he spat, "they tortured Raph! If what you told us was true, they made him think he was only good for being an experiment! Do you see what they did to him? He's afraid of me touching him! Me! I'm his best friend and he's scared of me touching him!" the teen was pacing now, venting. "And his eyes, do you see how dull they are? They're not his! And do you see those things they carved into his shell? If you hadn't killed that guy, Mikey, I'd track him down and do it myself!" Mikey flinched, but no one noticed, including himself.

"I'm more worried about the fact that one of the scientists was coming to New York for some reason," Leo muttered, tapping his prosthetic leg agitatedly. "It has to be a coincidence, right?" everyone fell silent. They didn't know if it was a coincidence or not, but they all sincerely hoped so.

* * *

 _ **Oof…. welp that happened. What do you think? Four chapters left till the ending… 0-0. Thanks for reading and please review!**_

 _ **Until Friday,**_

 _ **-C.J.L.**_


	12. Without Doubt

_**Sorry I didn't update on Friday! It was kinda an off day for me and I completely forgot until it was too late…. Sorry! 3**_

 _ **To Only Hope No Fear: lol sorry I ruined labs for you. As for things being resolved… well, you'll see. MWAHAHAHA!**_

 _ **Warnings: self-deprecation, torture, dehumanization, angst**_

 _ **Disclaimer: I don't own TMNT**_

 _ **Enjoy!**_

* * *

Raphael sat with his back against the bedroom door, tears sliding silently down his face. He couldn't believe it, he couldn't believe they'd say that. They knew how much he hated weakness, and part of him was still terrified of the scientists finding him again. But the image of that man had terrified him for another reason, one he didn't say aloud out there. He had been so injured, blood pooling around his head and the sight of the blood had struck a terror in Raphael. He traced the wounds on his arms legs and chest, feeling the slight bump on the scars. He remembered the sting of the scalpel and the pain of the wounds that they'd left open for the drive, remembering the feeling of his leg bathed in blood from a wound. Raphael remembered cold hands examining every inch of him, and shivers raced up and down his entire body once more. The green-eyed turtle let out a shuddering sob, his shoulders shaking. After the first sob, he couldn't stop and simply cried into his arms as he let the horrible memories flow through his head. Why couldn't he just erase it? Why couldn't he just be fine, and not scared and weak and traumatized, why couldn't he be the same as he was before, like none of this had ever happened? He was home now, why couldn't he just be magically fixed? Because it didn't work that way, that's why. He hadn't even remembered these were his brothers at first, he had forgotten them and everything else. And he hated that, Raph hated that he'd let that happen to himself, he absolutely hated it. There was a soft knock on the door.

"Raph?" it was Leo.

"Not now, Leo." he choked through the sobs. "I just want to be alone right now." Leo didn't answer, and then Raph heard his lopsided footsteps walking away. The green eyed turtle looked up and around his room, his gaze falling on the pile of extra gear he stored in the corner. He hadn't put it back on yet, Don had just yesterday cleared him from being 'sick', because the infection was gone. With one last sob and a deep breath, Raph half dragged himself over to the pile of gear. He hated feeling so exposed, and having his gear back would definitely help. He didn't know why he hadn't thought of it before. The first thing Raphael replaced was his red mask, just having it on made him feel more like himself, followed by his belt, elbow pads and knee pads, and then the wrappings on his wrists, fingers, and feet. He still ached all over, but he felt less like someone was going to jump out and attack him, strange how it worked. He sighed a bit, looking around his room before sitting down and stretching, feeling his tense muscles loosen. Somehow, just being back in this utterly safe and familiar environment of his bedroom, Raph felt stronger.

"It's not that bad." he said to himself, "we've gotten through stuff before, I'm alright, back on my feet like Donnie says." a shiver ran down his shell and Raphael shuddered. "It might just take some time, that's all."

"Raph?" now it was Mikey, outside his door.

"Yeah?" Raphael asked, looking up at it, Mikey hesitated.

"Are you alright? I'm sorry I said that. I was trying to make you feel better and-"

"It's ok Mikey." Raphael interrupted him, "I was just upset because of the news, I'm alright now. What's up?" he could tell Mikey was surprised by his reaction before he even opened the door, but Mikey did. Raph hadn't locked it, apparently.

"Oh!" Mikey said, looking at him, "you got your gear back on, I was wondering what you were doing in here, how do you feel?" Raph frowned, looking at his hands.

"Ok, I guess." he shrugged, then winced. "Are April and Casey still here?"

"Yeah, they're talking to Donnie and Leo." Mikey replied, coming in and kneeling next to Raph, who sat up straighter, though he didn't know why he felt inclined to do so. "I came to check on you, Leo said you were crying." Raphael frowned.

"I'm fine, Mikey, Really, like you said. I'll get back on my feet and things will go back to how they always were." Michelangelo raised a skeptical eye ridge and him and Raph narrowed his eyes. "What? That's what you said, you must know it's true."

"Raph, that's what Donnie said." MIkey insisted, "and I'm not Donnie, I'm Mikey. I know you can be stronger than ever, and I know you're going to be ok, but nothing will go back to how they always were. Not with everything that happened."

"Yeah," Raph sighed, drawing his legs up to his chest, "I guess not, with Leo's leg, and you being the leader now, things will be kinda different, huh?" Mikey was watching him carefully. "Shell, Mikey, you're acting so different, can't you just be the same?" his voice cracked, "can't everything just be the same? Why can't it just get fixed, y'know? Why does Leo have to have that stupid fake leg, and why do you have to be so calm and collected all the time? And why do I have to flinch whenever someone touches me? It's not fair! Why can't it just be the same!"

"I don't know." Mikey sighed, then grinned. "But if you really want me to, I could act less calm." Raphael snorted. "Raphie, I know this is hard. It's hard for me too, after all, I was the first one to find out you were…" he frowned, "Well, I found out first that you were dead. And then I was the first one to know you were alive, too, so...I'm not sure what I mean."

"You guys really thought I was dead." Raph replied numbly. "Shell, I'm so sorry Mikey."

"It isn't your fault." Mikey said, "Raph, it's really ok. You aren't dead anymore, you never were, we're all here, safe, and alive. Nothing to be sorry for."

"Yes, there is!" Raph insisted miserably, "I was an idiot and locked you guys out, I didn't want you to get hurt so I put myself in danger! None of this would have happened if I didn't want stupid revenge." Mikey was silent for a moment, and Raph looked up at him. Then, Mikey finally replied.

"But, you learned, right? From what I hear right now, you regret doing that, and you never will again. Who knows what will happen in the future, right? But we all know what happened in the past, Raphie, and we can avoid making the same mistakes again." Mikey stood up, putting his hands on his hips. "And besides, you were strong enough to last this long, how can anyone say that you can't be stronger?"

"Mikey-"

"I'm going to make lunch." Mikey announced, "you can do whatever you want, Raph." he beamed, suddenly, looking just like the old Mikey again. "Just because I'm the team leader doesn't change that you're my big brother!" with that, Mikey walked out of the room, humming under his breath as he did so. Raph watched him go, frowning. He knew Mikey had never been in this position, and he never wanted Mikey to be in this position, but how could the younger turtle honestly know that Raphael had been strong? He hadn't been able to escape, and he had not been able to refrain from screaming and crying, and even now, the sight of their faces and blood, and the feeling of other people touching him, made him want to vomit. Did Mikey really think he could become as strong as he had once been? Yet, Raph did feel a little better, somehow even stronger. Maybe, just maybe, he could figure this out. As long as he tried as hard as he could.

* * *

Donatello watched Mikey walk to the kitchen after informing them that he was making lunch, the group of four in the pit had grown silent after the orange masked turtle excused himself to speak to Raph. Don looked back down at the floor, clenching his fists.

"I don't understand." he said softly, "why do people have to be like that? So sick and twisted? What's wrong with those scientists that they wanted to make Raph hurt so much?"

"I Don't know." Leo's voice sounded hollow. "But I know I need to find out, Don, do you think you could get Raphael to tell you if he knows the name of the last scientist? We can see if there's any info on him." Don frowned, mulling it over in his head.

"I...might be able to." it was true that Raph had been most open with him since he returned, "but I don't want to trigger another panic attack like Mikey did yesterday."

"Just try." Leo pleaded, Don looked into his cobalt eyes for a moment and sighed.

"I'll try after lunch, give Raph more time to recover from that shock." Donnie looked back up at the television screen, pursing his lips. "But...maybe we won't have to." he turned on the volume as a reporter was back to covering the crash that had made Raph so terrified. There was a man, now covered in a black cloth, that Don assumed was the scientist. The reporter said that the man's name was one Eli Carlson. But then another man appeared next to the reporter, he had glinting dark eyes and long hair that was, at the moment, matted with blood. The reporter was asking him questions, but Don hardly heard them. He couldn't shake the feeling that this man was bad news.

"Turn that thing off." Raph's voice said from near the punching bag, "before I throw something at that stupid guy's face." everyone turned, Raph was leaning heavily against the wall, all his gear back in place, with a steely glint in his artichoke eyes. Leo clicked the remote and the television turned off, but they were all staring at the murderous look on Raph's face. "Going to the kitchen." he mumbled, leaning on the wall for support as he did so, "and stop staring." all four of them looked back down at their knees, still very surprised by the tone Raph had used. It scared Donnie, to hear Raphael sound like that again, but he didn't know if it was better than the terrified voice from merely days prior. As the red masked turtle excited the main room, Donnie looked back up at Leo, whose lips were pursed as he stared at the floor intently.

"You get that guy's name?' Leo whispered to Don, "the one on the tv? He was traveling with Carlson." Don shook his head, he hadn't been paying attention. "It said something like Dupree."

* * *

"Hey, Raph, can I talk to you?" Donnie asked, standing in the doorway to Raphael's bedroom. The older ninja was lying on his back on his bed, and sighed.

"Yeah, I guess, Donnie." he said softly, Don walked in and sat on the edge of the bed, looking at the long scar along Raphael's thigh. "What do you want to talk about? I'm sorry I yelled at april for touching me."

"You don't need to be sorry." Donnie insisted, Raph, you're barely comfortable with Me touching you yet, let alone a human." he hesitated, "did you know that other man...on the tv when you told us to turn it off?"

"No." Raph said, though it was obviously a lie, Don could see the terror on his brother's face as he said it. "It had to be a coincident that the one guy was here, Don't worry Donnie. My eyes were tricking me into believing that Dupree was actually...here." he gasped out the final word, clenching his eyes shut, but Don's jaw had dropped. So that man was bad news, but what was he supposed to say to Raph? 'No, your tormentor really is here, don't worry though. I bet it'll all be fine.' yeah right, that would end in another panic attack. As Don was lost in his thoughts, he almost missed the first sob that escaped Raphael's lips. Almost. His attention was jerked to the red masked terrapin as another cry was heard, and then another.

"Raph...sh. It's ok, I'm here." he soothed, "let it out, Raph. I know."

"H-How could you p-p-possibly…" Raph choked through his sobs, "know, Donnie?"

"I-"

"I don't want you to know!" Raph said, angrily brushing tears from his eyes. "I don't want you to feel what I felt, alright? So stop with the fake sympathy!"

"I care about you." Don said softly.

"That doesn't make telling me you know any more of a lie." Raph whispered, "do you know what happens when you lie, Donnie? You get hurt. Honestly, you have no idea what they can do to you if you don't tell them the truth." Don had no idea what to do, was Raph talking about life...or his own experience. "I never want you guys to feel that, Don, so stop lying. When I lied, he found out. Someone will always find out and you will get punished, alright?" Raph started sobbing again and he rolled over to look at the wall.

"I'm sorry." Don said, placing a very gentle hand on Raph's shell. "I really am, Raph, I'm sorry that this happened to you, I wish it never had. But you can work through it, I promise. You were strong enough to keep us safe, you'll be strong enough to keep us safe forever."

"Y-yeah." Raph whispered, "I bet. Please go away, Donatello." Don opened his mouth to protest, but quickly closed it again. He stood and walked out of the room, to his lab and typed that cursed name into the search bar. Scientist Dupree.

He was there, first on a recent news article about the crash, and then many others about his amazing genetic experimentation on animals. One article claimed him to be a 'creature whisperer' because they always seemed to do as he told them to do, Don growled in anger and snapped his laptop shut. He didn't want to read about the monster who'd done this to Raph right now, he wanted to kill the monster who'd done this to Raph. but it was late, and killing would have to wait for another day.

* * *

" _Shall we begin on the tests?" scientist number one asked, the one who Raph knew. Without a reply, he pressed a button on a small remote and the frame Raph was in lowered so that he was facing the ceiling, knowing the pain was imminent. To his slight confusion, the first thing brought out was a needle, why did they need more blood samples? He already had those. But Raph's eyes widened when he saw the poisonous looking black liquid in the needle. That was not good. He felt a sharp pain as the needle was stabbed into his bicep, which was not as large and developed as he remembered, and he could barely even see, let alone bear to watch, as the liquid was inserted into his veins._

 _Agony instantly ripped through him, and a strangled scream tore from his throat, making the already raw flesh bleed again. Raphael was hardly aware that he was shaking, but he felt the restraints tighten and stretch him tighter outward, which somehow seemed to make whatever chemical was in him hurt that much more. Tears of pain slid from his clamped shut eyes and he heard screaming. It was still his, it hurt so much why was this happening to him? White dots danced on his eyelids and another burst of pain, somehow even worse than the one before it, made him scream that much louder. The screams dissolved into raspy sobs as he forced his eyes open, and was instantly sickened that the four humans were watching with interest, the man who had started all this even wore a small smile! His body was wracked with pain and he felt the hot tears still falling off the sides of his head, what kind of people would do this to another living being? Forget intelligent thought, any animal? Humans. Humans would. A burning hatred fired in his chest, but was soon forgotten as another burst of pain shook him. When he next could see, the pain had somewhat waned, and two of the four humans were out of sight, the man Raph detested the most was still there, with another that Raph didn't think had spoken yet._

" _Incredible what this solution can do to a living creature." he said now, running a finger along Raph's arm. "And the level of intelligence this one has just makes it more intense than our last subject, a chimpanzee."_

" _Yes, it is very fascinating." the Scientist mastermind agreed, then looked down at Raph, who was still crying, not able to wipe the tears from his eyes. "And perhaps, if we remove the mouth immobilizer, he would even be able to speak." Raph narrowed his bloodshot eyes, but before he could react, the mesh ball had shrunk and retracted out of his mouth and the bar now above him looked like a robotic scorpions tail. That really didn't help._

"No!" Raph gasped, shaking. He held his head in his hands and sat up on the bed, wincing as he began to ache. "I'm not there anymore! I'm home! I'm in my-" but he barely had finished the words when a freezing cold finger traced around his jawline and he stumbled to his feet, legs already trembling under the added strain. "Please." he sobbed, he knew he wasn't home, coming home must have been a dream, this nightmare couldn't be over until all the scientists were dead, if he found Dupree and killed him in this dream, he must be able to get home for real. Raph located an old pair of sai in his locker and slid them into his belt before slowly making his way through the lair, into the sewers. His brothers wouldn't miss him, they were just dreams, after all.

* * *

 _ **Dun Dun Dun…. so yeah. Raph's a little off-his-rocker! MWAHAHA What will happen next? Oh boy, y'all are gonna hate me. THanks for reading and please review!**_

 _ **Until Friday(Probably. No promises apparently lol),**_

 _ **-C.J.L.**_


	13. Without Knowing

_**IT'S STILL FRIDAY AT THIS VEGAS HOTEL SO THEREFORE I DID NOT MISS THE UPDATE. Anyway. Yeah. After this, two more chapters! You are all gonna hate me so much, god. 3**_

 _ **To Only Hope No Fear: get himself killed? Psh. no.**_

 _ **To pat: ...I mean you're close. God, you guys really are all gonna hate me. ^-^**_

 _ **WARNINGS: paranoia, dehumanization, violence, torture, character death, fighting.**_

 _ **Disclaimer: I don't own TMNT!**_

 _ **And now, the chapter!**_

* * *

By the time he reached the surface, Raphael felt as if he had run two hundred miles, on a good day. He collapsed against the wall, behind some cardboard boxes, and tried to breathe. He was confused, everything was so confusing. Part of Raphael knew he was home and should go back there before anything happened to him, in this weakened state. But another part of him was terrified, it was a dream, another nightmare caused by the black chemicals pumped into his blood every day. The only way to get out of the nightmare was to kill all of the scientists, that had to be it. Raph didn't have a clue where Dupree might be, and why on earth was he running toward that guy? He'd watched this guy help kill an innocent, at least more innocent than him, woman. Just because she was a threat to keeping Raphael locked up. He shuddered, pulling his legs closer toward him.

"What am I doing," he muttered to himself, looking around the alley in disgust. "Why did I come up here, I should be at home, asleep." he sighed, Raph knew he would have to go home immediately, but he was already exhausted, just by leaving the lair. Sure, it was only about a week since he got back from that hell-hole, but he should be able to walk. Raphael growled in anger and stabbed a cardboard box with his sai, smiling. And then froze.

"What was that noise?"

"The noise that the human refers to is as 'that' came from the place known as an alley."

"Oh, shut up, will you? I just need your help to find those turtles, I hope you were right." Raphael froze, his heart beating heavily in his chest, as footsteps drew closer. It was him, it was Dupree. He'd set out to find the man and here the guy was, finding him. The red-masked turtle's breaths began to quicken and he scooted, not noiselessly, into the corner, trying to distance himself from the scientist and kraang. Of course, he knew the kraang! He was Sanguines right-hand scientist dude, Raph shook in terror as a flashlight beam started roving around in the alley, soon enough landing on his pale form.

"The kraang were told that the human known as Dupree already had captured the turtle known as Raphael." the kraang droid said, sounding as surprised as a kraang can get.

"Long story," Dupree said with a smile. "So, 93805. You thought you could escape me?" Raph started shaking, even more, his artichoke gaze fixed on the humans. This couldn't be happening, it just couldn't!

"It-It's sorry." Raph gasped, feeling tears escape his eyes. "It's sorry! It's sorry!" he insisted, hugging his knees tighter to his chest. "Leave it alone! Please!" but the human kept coming closer, Raph pressed himself tighter into the corner, but thanks to his shell, it wasn't good enough.

"I might not even need a tranquilizer." Dupree mused, taking out a small gun-like object. "But the pain before unconscious is just so much...fun." a dart pierced Raphael's shoulder and the effect was instantaneous. A gasp of pain left Raph's mouth as he reached up and tried to tear the dart out, but the damage was already done. His vision fogged as agony crawled through the arm, and into his body. It wasn't fair! He had finally been free! And, what would happen now? Raph didn't know if he was even screaming.

* * *

Mikey knew something was wrong as soon as he opened his eyes. It was this darkness, this sense of foreboding, that made the orange masked turtle roll out of his bed and practically fly to Raphael's bedroom door. It was open, the room was empty. Mikey held back a curse and ran to the lab, empty, kitchen, empty, dojo, empty, lair, empty!

"Raph!" he yelled, forgetting he was waking up two other brothers, "Raphael!" next thing he knew Don's and Leo's doors were flying open as they stumbled from their beds, eyes wide.

"Mikey, what's going on with Raph?" Leo demanded, Mikey looked at him, eyes wide.

"He's gone! Leo, I can't find him, he's not in the lair anywhere, I just don't know where he could be!" Mikey rattled off, Don growled in annoyance.

"Stupid, Raph, why are you so stupid?" he complained, "ok, listen. When I talked to Raph, there was something different about him. He seemed off, and he told me that it was impossible for the last scientist to be in new york, he didn't believe that. I saw it in his face, but what on earth would make him go _looking_ for Dupree?" he cried in dismay, "we have to find him, come on."

"Split up." Mikey instructed, "Leo, you stay down here, search in the sewers, Don, you and I go search the surface, we'll split up once we get there to cover more ground. He couldn't have gotten far on his legs at the moment, go!" Mikey ran from the lair, knowing for a surety that Don was right behind him. He had to find Raph, obviously, the red-masked brother of his had not been thinking clearly today. Mikey couldn't believe he'd left the lair, supposedly to find the scientist that had done all this to him, at least one of them anyway.

"This way." Don suddenly said, surprising Michelangelo into following him as Don climbed up a ladder. "I have a bad feeling," Don whispered, it was true. He should have been honest with Raph earlier in the day, they should have someone sleeping in that room with him too! All the things you think of after the disaster has started.

"I'll take the east, near the docks." Mikey said, "you go west, alright?" Don nodded and scaled a fire escape quickly, running as soon as he got to the top. When suddenly a scream ripped through the air, an unearthly shriek that he never wanted to hear again. Don gasped, worried that he was too late and that Raph had found his quarry. Donnie picked up the pace, racing toward the scream. He had to find Raph, it was his fault the red-masked turtle had left, after all. When he arrived at the top of an alley and saw a van driving away quickly, he knew he had to act.

He ran along the rooftops after the vehicle after a quick scan of the alley, a new sai was dropped, and there were no other traces of Raphael, Don grit his teeth in anger and took a flying leap onto the top of the van, almost slipping off. In the rearview mirror, he could see a kraang, must have known that they'd come back to find the turtles again. It was easy to take care of the kraang droid and slip into the front seat. Don sighed when he saw that there was a wall between him and the passengers, who were probably Raphael and if he had to guess, Dupree. Oh well, he'd just take them where he wanted them to go. Don took a sharp left toward the junkyard, thinking quickly. Then he heard whimpers coming from the back of the van, oh Raph! The junkyard was close, and the buildings were growing older, more of them abandoned. Just where he wanted to be.

"Hey! Kraang! Are we almost to the docks?" someone asked, "that boat won't wait forever, you know!" the docks, Mikey was at the docks. But Don didn't have time to drive all the way there now, he just had to get Raphael away from these people. "Uhm, hello? Kraang?"

"Taking a detour!" Don snapped, stopping the car just inside the abandoned junkyard. He climbed out of the cab and ran around to the back. Donatello yanked open the back door to the van, eyes white with anger. It was outfitted as a moving lab, Raph was huddled by the wall, in leather restraints and a gag, shaking. That sight somehow made the brown-eyed turtle even angrier, and he barged into the van before he thought to look for Dupree. Raphael's eyes widened in a warning, but a split second later a needle was plunged into Donnie's arm. He looked down at it in surprise as Dupree's gloved hand pressed the plunger down, sending a black chemical into Donatello's body.

Donnie was horribly unprepared for the amount of pain that suddenly erupted in his veins. It was as if he was being eaten from the inside out like he was slowly deteriorating. Don fell to his knees, a scream of pain tearing from his throat. This pain, that chemical, it was like nothing he had ever experienced before. Donnie felt hot tears flood out of his eyes as he collapsed onto the floor of the van, writhing in agony.

This is what Raphael had been experiencing when they found him, those unearthly screams the result. This is what Donnie's older brother had felt, probably every day he was missing and presumed dead. Another, somehow worse wave of pain flowed over Donatello, drawing another scream from his lips. How on earth had Raph lasted so long?

* * *

Raphael's eyes were wide as he stared at Donatello's convulsing form, he was shaking uncontrollably, with no restraints keeping him immobilized. Donnie, Raph's little brother! Raph glared at Dupree, furious. It was one thing for Raph himself to feel that pain, but Donnie? The gentlest and kindest of Raph's brothers? No, only a monster would do this to Donnie. Dupree was watching Donatello with that sick interested look, Raph hated him. A sudden rush of strength flowed into the red-masked turtle and he tore through the leather straps binding his hands with a roar of rage. Raphael stood, gripping his sai, and charged at the now wide-eyed Dupree.

"You should _not_ have done that!" Raph screamed at the scientist, holding him against the wall of the van by his shoulder. He didn't know how he had enough strength for this, but he didn't care. Donnie screamed in pain again, driving Raphael to finish this. With one more scream of fury, the red-masked ninja drove his sai directly into Dupree's heart.

Blood spurted over the turtle as he shoved the scientist's body away from him and Donatello, the chemicals in Donnie's body were wearing off now, and Don was shaking. Raphael collapsed to the floor, exhausted, but forced himself to crawl over to his brother. Donatello was sobbing miserably, barely conscious, shaking. Cold sweat glistened on his skin, and he was incredibly pale. Raph didn't want to see his brother like that, but he forced himself to gather Donnie in his arms. Donatello stopped shaking and fell the rest of the way unconscious.

"I'm sorry, Don." Raph gasped, wiping tears off his little brother's face. "So so sorry." The artichoke eyed turtle pulled the t-phone from Donnie's belt and hit the call button, they needed help. After just moments, Leo answered.

"Donnie, you find him?" he asked, obviously worried. Raph took a deep breath.

"Leo, it's me." he choked out.

"Raph?! Where are you? Where's Donnie? What happened?" Leonardo demanded, Raph forced himself not to sob.

"We're by the junkyard." he said softly, "Donnie ain't good, just...just bring the shellraiser or something alright?" Leo sucked in a worried breath.

"Ok, Raph, just don't go anywhere!" he instructed, "I'll be there soon. Stay put!"

"No problem," Raph replied, then hung up. He set the phone aside and propped Donnie more comfortably against his shoulder. Raph's purple masked brother whimpered, tears still leaking from his clamped shut eyes. "I got you," Raph whispered, wiping the moisture away. Donnie took a shuddering breath and sobbed miserably again, his eyes fluttering. Raph held him tighter. Donnie, oh Don. Why had Raphael been such an idiot? It was his fault that this happened. But Donatello was healthy, it shouldn't wear his body down like it had for Raphael, who had already been weak and starving. The screech of tires met Raphael's ears, he flinched involuntarily. Leo's distinct footsteps approached the van quickly.

"Raph?" his voice called, coming into sight. Leo saw the dead scientist on the ground and his eyes widened. "Raph! Donnie!"

"L-Leo?" Donnie murmured, eyes cracked open. "You're here?" Leo was instantly by their side, eyes wider than ever.

"What happened here?" he demanded, looking up at Raph.

"I…" Raph shook his head. "I'm sorry Leo."

"Leo!" Donnie gasped, "You're here! We should go…?" he tried to sit up, but was still trembling.

"Don, it's ok." Raph soothed, eyes wide, "Don't. You got hurt"

"He's hurt?" Leo exclaimed, "uh, here." The blue masked ninja gently scooped the half-conscious Donnie up and stood, Raphael followed, stumbling after them. Leonardo deposited Donatello in the shellraiser before going back for a moment, he returned with Raphael's bloody sai. No evidence.

"I'm driving," Leo said, not looking at Raph as he slid the doors shut. "But you better be ready to explain what happened tonight when we get home." Raph pulled Donnie closer to him, the genius turtle was still slightly delirious, and obviously still in some pain.

"It hurt, Raph." Don whispered into his chest, "I'm so sorry."

* * *

"Hello?" Mikey answered his phone, "you find him?"

"Meet me at the lair," Leo replied, voice tight. "Something happened. Dupree is dead." Mikey frowned.

"What?" he asked incredulously, halting. "You mean, that guy we saw on the TV? Why is he dead? I don't get it, Leo, what's wrong?"

"Just meet me at the lair!" Leo snapped, then hung up the phone. Mikey stared at it, thoughts swirling. Raph had supposedly gone looking for Dupree, for some unknown reason, and now the human was dead. This couldn't be good. Mikey turned and headed straight back toward the lair, he wanted to get there as soon as possible.

When Michelangelo ran into the lair, he heard people talking in the lab and burst through, electric eyes seeming to be filled with fire. Donnie and Raph were sitting next to each other on the cot, Donnie leaned heavily against Raph with half-lidded eyes while Leo helped the red-masked turtle wash something that looked disturbingly like blood off of himself.

"What the shell happened?" Mikey snapped, feeling responsibility hit him like a truck. He couldn't believe this! "Raph, you just ran off! How smart was that? And what do you mean the guy is dead, Leo?" he crossed his arms, glaring around. "Someone better start explaining something."

"I don't know all of it," Leo said, wiping the washcloth over Raph's shoulder. "But I'm pretty sure Raph killed Dupree, and something happened to Donnie." Mikey looked at his brainiac brother, who was blinking as if trying to focus on them.

"Raph?" Mikey asked, "what happened? Why did you run off, and what happened to Donatello?"

"Mikey-"

"No, Leo!" Mikey hissed, "I'm a leader now, and nobody will tell me anything! I know we're technically both in charge! But I'm just a little pissed!" he turned back to Raph, who was watching him sadly. "What the heck happened, Raph?"

"Mikey, I was an idiot." Raph said softly, "I'm really really sorry."

"Sorry doesn't cut it!" Mikey snapped, "you could have gotten Donnie or you hurt! You just ran off! And you didn't call me, no one called me until Leo Mr. let's be vague did! And how on earth did you kill someone in your condition?" none of them were used to Mikey exploding like this, but Mikey couldn't help it. He just wanted his family to be safe, was that too much to ask? "Well, Raph? What could possibly be important enough to run off when you can barely run? Huh?"

"Mikey, stop." Donnie's voice was low and commanding, everyone looked at him. His cinnamon gaze looked haunted, pained. "Just. stop." the annoyance was fading in Michelangelo now, and his shoulders slumped.

"Right, sorry guys." he sighed, looking away. "I guess this stress is getting to my head, I'm going to bed. Don't run off again." he cast a glance at both of them and left the lab, feeling his thoughts swirl. He was totally not cut out for this.

* * *

 _ **So yeah… you probably all hate me now. That's fine XD. Thanks for reading and please please please review!**_

 _ **Until Tuesday,**_

 _ **-C.J.L.**_


	14. Without Worry

_**Hey guys. Super sorry about missing the last update! I've been feeling really burned out, so… This is the last thing I'm gonna post for a while. I'm going to post the last two chapters of this fic today, and then I'm taking a hiatus from . If you want to see writing about Sanders Sides (a youtube series) or Dan and Phil, my Wattpad is C. ( CobyJLine) and my Tumblr is cobythinks. I'll still be active on my other social media and my youtube channel (Coby Thinks) so you can look at that as well. So yeah. Sorry, I won't be doing TMNT fics too soon, it's just really rough over here.**_

 _ **To Only Hope No Fear: I'm glad you liked that chapter! Sorry, I've been weird about posting, it means a lot that you were reviewing everything. So thanks. 3**_

 _ **WARNINGS: Mentions of torture, mentions of pain, mentions of death, angst.**_

 _ **Disclaimer: I don't own TMNT**_

 _ **Enjoy!**_

* * *

When Donnie awoke, he found that his mind was not as muggy as it had been the night before, his bones didn't ache as badly, and his vision was no longer blurred. He sat up, looking at the cot beside him where Raphael still slept. The purple banded turtle's mouth pulled into a frown as he remembered the events of last night. That chemical, whatever it was, was one of the worst things human or kraang had invented. If only he could analyze it, but then again, Donatello didn't want it anywhere near him ever again. That only after one dose, how much of it had Raph been forced to submit to, immobilized and helpless? Why shouldn't Raph have hated all humans, why shouldn't he still hate them? After just that one dose, Don wasn't sure he ever wanted to go topside again, so what had provoked Raph to go after the scientist in the first place?

"It's rude to stare, y'know," Raph said without opening his eyes, Donnie blushed.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled, Raph opened his eyes, obviously surprised.

"Don! How are you?" he asked earnestly, sitting up gingerly, "I mean, y'know, I really am sorry, Donnie."

"Sorry for what?" Don asked, looking at his hands. "Those scientists are the ones who-"

"I'm sorry I led you into that, I never meant for this to- I never wanted any of you to feel that pain, and I really am sorry." Raph said softly, "really, I am, I don't know what got into me last night."

"It's ok, I don't blame you." Donnie said, "it's over, ok?" Raph nodded, looking at Donnie in worry.

"I just… I guess I got it in my stupid head that this was all a dream, and that Dupree had to die or I could never really come home." Raph laughed bitterly, "I was so wrong, Donnie."

"But you killed him." Don replied softly, "he's gone, they all are. It's over."

"Over." Raph echoed, staring into Donatello's eyes. "No, Donnie. It's never going to be over, not for me." Donnie knew what Raphael meant, he was going to have a hard time forgetting the one time he experienced that chemical, and Raph? Raph had been trapped with those sickos for nearly five weeks, he had probably been injected with it more than once, more than ten times. The thought made Donnie's bones ache even worse.

"How did you do it?" Don finally asked, "Raph, I know you would do anything for us but, how on earth did you last five weeks with those creeps sticking you with that chemical, and cutting you open, and not moving or eating? I just don't get it, I didn't think anything could do that." Raph frowned, looking darkly at the floor.

"They didn't want me to die, Don. they kept me alive with those IV drips and bottled water and junk. Trust me, if they wanted to kill me I wouldn't be here." he sighed, shaking his head. "I was completely helpless, Donatello. Stretched out like that for weeks on end, they only took me off once, you know that? It was to see 'how I'd react to a different environment' this was before Sanguine killed the government scientists and took me to Tennessee. So stupid."

"I'm sorry." Donnie said, "Raph, I really am. Having experienced that pain...I'll never be able to forget that. How many times did they give it to you?" he forced himself to ask, Raphael looked at him blankly, trying to remember.

"Uh...at least...once a day?" he scratched his head, Don could see he was shaking. "But...if I wasn't doing what they wanted then as soon as one wore off there was another. Like, when I refused to tell them where I came from." he scowled. "Stupid kraang, wish I could destroy the lot of them." Donnie stared at his brother in shock. Once a day? That would be over twenty-eight doses, and more than once daily, that was...horrible.

"Shell, Raph, you're incredible." he stammered, "I can't imagine not being able to recover before getting more of that chemical, my bones still ache from that, I still can't see completely clearly, are you sure there are no side effects?" Raph shook his head, looking at Donnie in concern.

"Blurry eyesight? No, not really. The aches will go away, Don. but the only blurry vision I had was before I was passing out, I was surprised you woke up so quick, really."

"Then it's probably temporary." Don sighed, wringing his hands, "I just-"

"You're awake!" Mikey's voice cried, he ran into the room, beaming. "How are you guys feeling? Uh… I'm sorry about last night."

"Nothing to be sorry for." Don replied softly, "I'm sorry I got mad at you, I was just upset." Mikey nodded absently.

"Yeah, so, I was making breakfast with Leo when we heard your voices, do you think you can come to the kitchen? I can help you walk…?" he seemed very anxious, Don offered a weary smile for the younger turtle's benefit.

"I am kind of hungry." he admitted, "but I don't know if I'll be able to keep anything down, what do you think...Raph?" Raphael frowned.

"Well, as I said, didn't eat solid food in there, but take it easy and you should be ok, C'mon, I'm starving." he stood gingerly, Donnie followed suit and nearly collapsed, sight blacking out for a moment, Raph caught him.

"Sorry," Don said sheepishly, regaining his balance. "I'll be ok now, let's go." despite this statement, Mikey walked right next to Donnie on the way to the kitchen, Raphael seemed to be doing better than the first time he attempted walking after getting rescued. The brown-eyed turtle took a deep breath, he could do this. If Raph could do this, he could as well.

"Morning guys," Leo said from the table, where he was drinking tea. "Waffles are done."

"Oh good, I'm starving," Raph said, Donnie glanced at him and he grinned. "What? Can't I exaggerate anymore?"

"...you just seem so normal…" Donnie finally said, Raph frowned.

"In case you hadn't noticed, we're turtles." Leo choked on his tea. "We aren't normal Donnie." Donatello rolled his eyes, sitting down next to his brother.

"Thanks for the reminder." he groaned, rubbing his temples. "Shell, my head hurts." immediately Raphael was concerned, looking over at him.

"Do you need something? Maybe water? I'll go get-"

"Not so fast." Mikey pushed Raph back down. "You're not doing so good yourself, Mr. runoff all alone." Raph scowled, folding his arms.

"Well it's my fault Donnie's hurt, I was just trying to be useful for once!" he grumbled. Donnie sighed, closing his eyes.

"For the last time Raphael, it's not your fault." he sighed wearily. "It's the stupid humans' fault." Raph sighed, and Donnie leaned forward, propping his elbows on the table to hold his face. "Ugh, I feel like it's getting worse."

"That's it," Raph said, Donnie heard his chair scoot back and lifted his head, but Mikey just sighed in resignation as Raph stormed to the lab, coming back a moment later with Advil. Then retrieved a cup of water and set it down expectantly in front of Donnie, who narrowed his eyes.

"What am I supposed to do with that?" he asked moodily.

"Drink it." Raph snorted. Donnie rolled his eyes.

"Raph, it's fine. I meant the meds." he grumbled, "I don't need any." Raph just watched him stoically as he chugged the water, then sighed in relief as he aching abated. "See? I was probably just dehydrated."

"Waffle up!" Mikey said loudly, Donnie winced as he turned, a plate in each hand. "Oh right, sorry. Hehe."

"Oh man yes!" Raph said enthusiastically, grabbing his plate. Donnie smiled as he picked up his own fork, gripping it tightly to keep his hand from shaking. Geez, why was he acting like this? Raphael had gone through this plenty of…. Well, that wasn't fair thinking. Raphael had taken weeks to recover, and he wasn't done yet.

"I want to do a team training session today," Mikey said unexpectedly, making them all look at him. Donnie felt his eye twitch slightly, but didn't say anything. "We've been apart for so long, and we need to get you guys back into shape. So after breakfast, we're going to go to the dojo and train. Just thought you should know."

"Sounds good, Mikey," Donnie said, then focused intently on cutting his waffle, then winced as pain shot through his hand. "Oh, ow!"

"Donnie, what was it?" Raph asked, concerned when Donnie grabbed his hand in pain. He grit his teeth, shaking his head.

"Dunno…. Cramps I guess…" he said in a strained voice. Someone took his hand and spread it out, making Donnie grimaced, he opened his eyes. Leo was gently rubbed the muscles near his wrist, frowning in concentration.

"I think your body is still feeling the effects of that chemical," he said softly, Donnie winced.

"B-but-"

"Raphael slept through this part of the recovery." Leo continued, Donnie frowned, but nodded. "You, however, are very much awake."

"Oh, I noticed," Donnie said drily. "Thanks, Leo."

"That's it." Raph grabbed the bottle of Advil and popped it open, shaking three tablets out. "Take it, now."

"He's right, Donnie," Mikey said apologetically. "We don't want you to be in pain." Donatello sighed, accepting the tablets and quickly swallowing them with a grimace.

"There, happy?"

"Overjoyed," Leo said blandly, Donnie grinned.

"Maybe we should wait…" Mikey said with a frown. "Do you think you'd be able to train, Donnie?"

"Yes," Donnie said, nodding firmly. "I can."

"Donnie." Raph frowned, "are you sure?"

"I'm sure," Donnie said, nodding. He felt like such an idiot, really. Out of all his brothers, he'd had it the best the last month or so. No torture, no recurring nightmares, no missing limbs. So why did he feel like the weakest?

"Don't beat yourself up, Donnie," Raph said softly, stabbing his eggs moodily. Donnie sighed, rubbing his eyes.

"I'm not."

"Yeah sure." Leo said from where he was eating, "just like you don't have brown eyes." Donnie scowled at this.

"Just leave me alone, please?" he sighed, burying his face in his hands again. They all fell silent for a moment.

"Sorry, Dee." Mikey finally said softly, Donnie sighed.

"It's… it's fine Mikey. I'm fine." he knew he was anything but fine, but he didn't need his brothers worried about him. Especially when they all had it worse. "I think I'll go start warming up." he sighed, standing.

"We'll be there in a sec, Donnie," Leo said with a warm smile. Donnie smiled back, nodding. Then he turned, walking out of the kitchen and into the dojo, where he picked up his bo staff. Donatello took a deep breath, closing his eyes. That's when a searing pain ripped through his chest and he gasped, doubling over. The pain was almost as bad as it had been the night before, and he fell to his knees, tears springing to his still blurry eyes. He had to get up, he had to do this. Donnie wasn't sure where this need to prove himself came from, but it was there.

Maybe he wanted to prove to his brothers that him being okay wasn't just stupid dumb luck, maybe he wanted to convince himself that he was okay. But he wasn't. Donnie grasped his bo tightly, forcing himself to his feet, when another pang of pain ripped through him and he cried out, stumbling into the tree.

"Donnie!?" voices called in alarm. Donnie took a shuddering breath, wiping tears and sweat from his eyes. Then it came again, and he whimpered, falling to the ground. Why did his chest hurt so bad? It was like he couldn't…. Like he couldn't breathe….! Footsteps ran in and Donatello forced himself onto shaking elbows.

"Shell, Donnie!" Raphael gasped, eyes wide. "No, no no no! Guys get in here!"

"I-I...I'm fine….!" Donnie insisted, even though he wasn't. "I'm fine, Raph, really, I-"

"Shut up," Raph said frantically, hauling Donnie to his feet. "Stop talking, Donnie, you're wearing yourself out!"

"I told you, I-"

"Donnie, oh man." Mikey hovered at Donnie's other elbow, blue eyes wide in worry. "Get him to the lab, Raph. Leo's already there." Donnie grimaced in pain as it stabbed through him again.

"No… really… I was just-"

"Please, Donnie!" Donnie fell silent at his brothers' voice. Mostly because of the panicked tone Raphael had, and also because it hurt to talk. The pain had spread through his abdomen, ebbing and throbbing. He stumbled into the lab next to his brothers and sighed as he sat on the cot, holding a hand in front of his face. It was fuzzy, and blackness had started to spread into his eyes. He blinked rapidly, but that only took away his sight faster, and he started to breathe in small short bursts, eyes filling with tears.

"Donnie, Donnie what hurts?" it was one of his brothers, maybe Leo.

"Everything…." Donnie whimpered, "can't see…."

"Oh geez," Raph whimpered, "Donnie please be okay!"

"I… I will be…" Donnie said softly, letting Leo ease him to lay down on the cot. "L-Leo… an-anti…." he shuddered, pain ripping through his throat.

"The antibody." Raph said, "the one you guys used on me those first days. Where is it?"

"Got it!" Mikey said triumphantly. Donnie smiled wearily.

"Remember...how…" his words slurred and Donnie shuddered, but moments a spoon was at his lips, and he swallowed the medicine thankfully, closing his now sightless eyes. The pain slowly began to recede, but Donnie could still feel a dull ache in his bones, worse than ever before. He knew something was wrong, something that no one but he could figure out, and he was in no condition to. Donnie winced, trying to sit up, but someone pushed him back down.

"Not a chance," Mikey said firmly. "You'll be staying here until this wears off, Donnie. Whether you like it or not."

"But-"

"He's right Donnie." Leo agreed, Donnie grimaced and lay back down gingerly. "You're in no condition to do anything but rest.

"You don't-"

"I do." Raph retorted. Donnie bit his lip. "Listen, Don, I get it. But this is what's best, okay?"

"Please just listen to-"

"You aren't going to change my mind." Mikey said, "you know that Donnie. And I say that you stay here until this wears off, alright?"

"It's not going to!" Donnie snapped, no one said anything for a moment.

"What?" Leo asked hoarsely. Donnie took a shuddering breath, grimacing in pain.

"Th-this… this is very bad. It's a poison, Leo. I can feel it…" he shuddered again, shaking his head. "My immune system has always been weaker than your guys'."

"What are you saying….Donnie…?" Raphael's voice cracked. Donnie took a deep breath.

"I'm dying. And there's nothing I can do to stop it."


	15. Without One

Raphael grunted, fist making contact with the leather of his punching bag, that satisfying thwack he loved to hear. It was one thing, other than blasting loud music and chasing Mikey around the lair, that was able to block out the rest of the world. Especially the parts of the world he didn't want to think about. Like the past year or so, or Leo's leg which was acting up without Donnie to fix it, and of course, the absence of his brainiac brother. Raphael scowled, slamming all his force into the bag, it flew off the hook and landed against the wall.

"Raph-"

"Save it!" Raphael growled, not looking at his younger brother. "I don't need to hear it, Mikey! I just don't! Whatever thing… whatever… tiny lead you have, I don't." Mikey fell silent for a moment.

"Sorry Raph," he said softly. The hotheaded mutant sighed, leaning against the wall and folding his arms. "I just wanted to tell you that training is in a half hour."

"Great." Raph bit out, glaring at the floor. "Fan-flipping-tastic Mikey. I'll be there." Michelangelo sighed, but nodded and walked away toward the dojo, where Leo was undoubtedly meditating. Raphael closed his eyes, leaning his head against the wall. He knew he had to get past it, one way or another. Everyone in the world could deal with losing someone, and he already had a few times before. That didn't change the fact that everything had changed, too much. They were never meant to be three. And even if they were, Donnie should never have been the first one to go. If anyone, it should be him. Raph growled in anger, spinning to punch the wall.

Donnie never should have gotten a dose of that poison, mostly because it was meant for Raphael, and Raphael only. Raph had been the one to get captured all those months ago, and it was his fault that Donnie…. Raphael clamped his eyes shut, leaning his forehead against the wall. He heard footsteps, Mikey was walking back to the lab. Of course, he was, why wouldn't he? That's just where he'd been spending half of his life in the past two months. Two months. Raphael grit his teeth, shaking his head. He hadn't heard his brothers voice for two months, and that was too much to bear.

"Raph." Raphael turned, scowling as he realized Leo had walked up behind him. "For the last time, I Thought we went over this."

"We did," Raph growled, clenching and unclenching his fists. "And as usual, you're gonna say it's not my fault."

"That's right." Leo sighed tiredly.

"Well, it is!" Raph snapped, kicking backward at the wall. Leo watched him sadly. "It's my fault, Leo!"

"Raph, this has been going on long enough," Leo said firmly, reaching to grab Raphael's shoulder. "We need to get past it." Raph sighed, putting a hand over his face.

"Yeah just like Mikey's getting past it right…?" he mumbled softly, Leo frowned.

"Raph…" he shook his head. "That's not the same and you know it." Raph rolled his eyes, leaning against the wall again.

"Yeah well, what are we supposed to do Leo? Get all stoic and heartless like you?" he snapped, then winced at the hurt on Leo's face. He knew Leo wasn't heartless, he knew that.

"Alright," Leo said, turning away with a wince. "Alright. Fine. just keep doing this, over and over and over. That sounds great."

"Leo, I didn't mean it," Raph said guiltily, walking after his brother. Leo didn't turn. "Come on, we both know it's my fault!"

"It is not!" Leo snapped, whirling to jab a finger into Raph's chest. "Not even Donnie thought it was your fault, Raphael! That's literally the last thing he said, so why-"

"He was delirious!" Raph said, throwing his hands in the air. "And he's Donnie! Do you really think he'd blame me for his death? If I was the one to stab that needle in him, he'd probably say it was an accident!"

"That's not funny Raph," Leo growled darkly. Raph growled in annoyance, burying his face in his hands. "Why can't you just forgive yourself and get over it?"

"I dunno, I just can't!" Raph said loudly, clenching his fists. "Maybe you should forgive yourself too!"

"For what!?" Leo snapped.

"Don't think me and Mikey don't know, you blame yourself just as much as I do!"

"No, I don't!" Leo said firmly. Raph rolled his eyes.

"Yeah sure, keep telling yourself that."

"Will you two stop it?!" Mikey ran out, forcing himself between the two fighting brothers. "You guys are acting like-"

"Like what?" Raph snapped, "like our brother's never coming back?" Mikey's face darkened, shoving them farther apart.

"Well maybe if you guys would just help me, he would!" he said, waving a folder he'd been holding Raph growled in annoyance, shaking his head. Leo sighed.

"Mike-"

"He isn't dead yet, Leo!" Mikey said shrilly. "You know that! Maybe if you guys would just come to see him, if you'd just-"

"Just what?" Raph asked in defeat. "What are we supposed to do, Mikey? He told us he was dying, and he told us that there was no way to stop it. For all we know, he _is_ dead in there!" Mikey's eyes filled with tears and he looked down at the folder, which had doodles all over the front cover.

"I'm just trying…" he took a shuddering breath, "just trying to help…"

"Mikey…" Leo gently reached forward, taking the folder and flipping it open. "We don't understand any of this, only Donnie would. And he, obviously, can't help." Raph winced, glaring at Leo.

"Gee, that's really nice!" he snapped, yanking the folder away and looking at it. Well, he was right, Raph had no clue what half these words meant. All he knew was that Mikey thought it could bring Donnie back to them. "How do you read this stuff, Mikey?"

"With my eyes!" Mikey said, snatching the folder away. "And for the record, you could at least look at the evidence!"

"What evidence?" Leo asked, folding his arms. "All I know is that Donnie said he was going to die, and he did." Mikey looked at the floor, tears sliding down his face.

"Rockwell said that…" he said softly, reaching up to wipe them away. "He gave up after month one, remember? But I can't!" he choked back another sob. "I can't lose a brother again, you know that!" Raph sighed, shoulders falling guiltily.

"Mikey… I'm sorry," he said softly. "I know you want this to work, but-"

"But what?" Mikey asked defiantly. "Donnie thought it would work, remember? Right after he told us nothing could stop it?"

"He was dying." Leo said dismissively, "Mikey, come on! He was desperate, and you're acting the same way!"

"Am not," Mikey muttered, turning away and leafing through the pages. Leo sighed, throwing his hands in the air.

"Fine. _fine_ ," he said, turning away and limping toward the dojo. "If anyone needs me, I'll be meditating."

"As usual," Raph said, folding his arms. He looked over at Mikey, whose eyes were quickly scanning through the pages, a thoughtful look on his face. Raphael was still in doubt of this, but… what if Mikey was right? What if this really could bring Donnie back? "Mikey-"

"I need to try this," Mikey said, turning and hurrying toward the lab, not looking up. "Sorry, Raph."

"Mikey wait!" Raph hurried after him, Mikey turned in surprise when Raph grabbed his shoulder. "Look, Mikey, I didn't mean all that…" Mikey raised an eye ridge. "So I did, sorry. But what do you need to try?" Mikey hesitated, then pushed the folder at him.

"This. It's one of the processes Fugitoid used to put his consciousness into that robot body. This was that folder I was looking for- a few weeks ago? It was in Donnie's room which took forever to search through, and-"

"Mikey." Raph stared at the equations and words, mystified. "How do you understand this?"

"I have to," Mikey said simply, hurrying toward the lab. "And I bet Donnie would love to hear from you if you wanna come to talk to him!" Raph sighed, halting at the entrance to the lab. He hadn't entered it for two months, that was a long time to not go a place you'd once had as a part of your daily life. "Come on Raph, he's waiting!" Raphael rubbed his eyes tiredly, then walked in, glancing around. In the past two months, the lab seemed to be less like Donnie's and more like Mikey's, but that made sense. Raphael smirked as he stepped over a pile of pizza boxes, then halted and looked at the cold black _thing_ Mikey claimed to be their brother.

"Mike-"

"Go ahead," Mikey said, hitting a few buttons. "The recorder's on."

"I think you-"

"Not to me, dummy." Mikey giggled at the word and Raph sighed, shaking his head.

"Fine," he grumbled, sitting next to the table.

"I'll be trying to boot this up, by the way." Mikey said, "so if he starts glowing or attacks you, just tell me." Raph looked over at him, confused.

"What."

"Did he?" Mikey glanced over. "Nope. guess you have to talk to him instead of me."

"Mikey, I don't think this makes any logical sense," Raphael said. Mikey rolled his eyes.

"Raphie, nothing could stop Donnie's body from dying." he said softly, "so, what do we do? We get him a new body that's what. Now stop whining and talk to the guy, I'm tryna focus." Raph snorted at this, but then turned and looked back at the robotic form, shaking his head.

"O-kay then, Donnie junior," he muttered, Mikey scowled but didn't say anything. Raph sighed, rubbing his face. "Shell Donnie, you look different," he muttered, Mikey giggled and Raph looked over, scowling. "I thought I wasn't talking to you!"

"Whoopsies." Mikey snickered, hitting a few buttons in quick succession. Raph sighed, looking away from both Mikey and the object in front of him.

"Miss you a lot, Donnie…" he said softly. "Miss you a whole lot." unsurprisingly, Donnie didn't respond. "Mikey messed up your lab."

"Hey!"

"Just telling the truth." Raph retorted, grinning a bit. "Pizza boxes everywhere, Donnie. Total dump."

"I could turn off the recorder you know," Mikey said, looking over. Raph ignored him.

"He's going crazy tryna get you up and running." Raph continued, still not looking at either Mikey or his brothers 'body'. "I think he caught your coffee bug, in all honesty." Mikey snorted. "But really, Donnie, things are different. But I think you'll be happy to hear I'm getting better, wish you could be." Raph sighed, closing his eyes. "Shell, Donnie we miss you. And on top of the coffee, Mikey started getting sarcastic over here. It's kinda freaky."

"Gee thanks," Mikey muttered.

"See, hear that? Like a whole nother person we have here." Raph said with a grin. "But yeah, we're just missing you. Leo does too, but he's being a stubborn butt."

"Raph, we're trying to convince him to wake up here." Mikey said in annoyance, "nice words."

"Whatever." Raph rolled his eyes. "I think all the meditating he's doing is tryna talk to you in the spirit world, actually. But that's hard to do, even for a master. And no offense to Leo, he isn't quite there yet." Mikey sighed but didn't say anything. "What do you want from me, Mikey?" Raph turned now. "I'm talking aren't I?"

"Yeah you are," Mikey said, "and you're being a pessimist."

"Well yeah thanks for that, Mikey." Raph snorted. "I didn't think you knew what that word meant."

"I don't," Mikey said, reading through a page absently. "That's just what Donnie always said when you got like this." Raph snorted.

"Of course it was," he said, rubbing his forehead anxiously. "Of course." a pause. "This is what I'm talking about, Donnie. Completely different."

"That's stupid." Mikey laughed, Raph grinned. "Is he glowing yet?" Raph blinked, glancing at the robotic body. It was as black as always.

"No." he replied. "What's with that, Donnie? Dontcha wanna glow?"

"You're an idiot." Mikey laughed, Raph snorted.

"Look who's talking." he retorted, shaking his head. Then he sighed, closing his eyes as tears welled up in them. "Don… I'm so sorry Donnie."

* * *

"Dontcha wanna glow…..?" voices penetrated his thoughts and Donatello turned toward them blindly, throwing his hands out.

"Idiot."

"Oh geez…" Donnie whispered, recognizing his brothers' voices. "Oh man."

"You must make a decision." another voice from the opposite direction said. Donnie turned again, hesitant. "You cannot stay in limbo forever."

"Wh-what do you mean…?" Donnie wondered, feeling pulls to both sides. "Where am I?"

"You are on the brink of life and death." the voice said. Donnie froze, unsure.

"But I'm not dead…?"

"If you were, you wouldn't hear them calling to you."

"So sorry, Donnie."

"Raph…" Donnie turned, feeling his chest swell. "Oh no, he's blaming himself!"

"A warning." the voice said as Donnie started toward his brothers. "You were meant to die, Donatello. But your brother has kept you from that. Your earthly body is no more. If you were to choose that, you would not die. Ever. Once your family left, your friends, everyone on earth did, you would be left alone." Donnie shuddered at that, taking a step back.

"Wh-what am I supposed to do?" he gasped, feeling torn. He wanted to see his family again, but after that….what?

"If you come with me," the voice said, drawing nearer. "You will be reunited with those already lost, and in time with those who you leave behind." Donnie sat in indecision, mind flying from one side to the other. What to do, what to do!

"I…" Donatello took a deep breath. "I know what I have to choose." it was the only option, really. And so Donatello turned and chose.

 **The End**


End file.
